"This is a magazine geared toward adult women; we shouldn’t be afraid to offer information. Awareness can greatly improve the quality of life for those that are suffering. Censoring that is a disservice to the community"

Losing Your Kids [Family Reflections / Issue 727]

Reading the Family Reflections “Your Call,” about how spending too much time on your phone may alienate your spouse, touched a sore spot in me.

I remember being in seminary, calling home after an eventful day wanting to share my experiences with my mother, only to realize that on the other end of the line she was giving me short, absent-minded answers and comments. I straight away realized that there must be something more important on her smartphone.

With time, post-seminary and later on, I found myself sharing less and less with my mother. It was not a conscious decision, it just happened. It was too difficult to get her attention. There was always something “important” she had to check on her phone....

Parents with smartphones out there: You’re not only losing your spouses by prioritizing and spending so much time on your smartphone. You’re losing your children too!

T.B.

It Is a Big Deal [Inbox / Issue 727]

I want to commend this magazine as well as the community at large for trying to destigmatize mental illness, in the hope that those that need help, be it medication or therapy, receive it. Every person should get the help they need without the fear of not being able to find a shidduch. It’s important to realize that everyone has some sort of baggage that they bring into a marriage.

That being said, I think we are doing a disservice by downplaying mental illness and making it seem like it’s not a big deal. There is obviously a huge spectrum of mental illnesses, with some being more challenging than others. For the sake of keeping this short, I’m directing my comments toward somewhere in the middle.

Mental illness is a big deal. It is difficult. Ask the people struggling with it or those who are married to someone with mental illness.

Medication is not a magic pill. It often takes months, if not years, before it works properly. And even once the right dosage is found, natural life occurrences might throw that person out of balance and the medication might need to be tweaked. This is especially true for women, who may need to switch or stop medications during pregnancy or while nursing.

Medication also has side effects that can impact day-to-day life, which is the number one reason people stop taking it. These can be worked on, but the person has to know what she is getting into. The couple will need a therapist or spiritual advisor that they listen to and can get guidance from.

If we are going to create awareness, let’s educate people about mental illness, the medications, the side effects, and give them advice on how to deal with it long term. Because it’s not fair to downplay it when it will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Name Withheld

Sem Sweetener [Fruits of Kindness / Issue 727]

As I was reading this week’s feature on kindness, I was excited to see our favorite Mrs. Cohen brought up! As any Gateshead sem graduate can relate, Thursday night could be a thrilling time for English girls — or a time of homesickness for us foreigners, as we watched everyone receive weekly parcels from home.

As a Gateshead sem grad. (T1 2018, for anyone reading), I can attest that Mrs. Cohen’s monthly package not only made Erev Shabbos Mevarechim night an exciting time but also made our English counterparts quite jealous for the extra attention and delicious goodies that came in a box filled with love. The difference between me and the Mrs. Neiman who wrote the piece is that Mrs. Cohen is not so anonymous to me. She is my sem-mate’s aunt, who, yes, was once a lonely sem girl. We’ve sent her thank-yous and pictures of us enjoying the Shabbos parcels, even though we never felt our expressions of gratitude were enough.

If you would like to contact her, there are ways. Reach out to the Green family of Gateshead and they can help.

Mrs. Cohen, if you are reading this, know that there are girls out there who appreciate this big gesture of kindness and will forever remember you as the lady who made our journey through sem a little sweeter. Thank you.

A Gateshead Sem foreigner

Steps to Self-Love [Smoke and Mirrors / Issue 726]

I

love reading about self-love and accepting our bodies, but I think we are missing some practical advice.

1. Let’s stop the cycle for our own daughters. First and foremost, allow children to eat when they are hungry and to stop eating when they are full. Don’t make them finish their plate, and allow them to save their treats for later. If we teach them to expand their stomachs, when they naturally would listen to their bodies, then it is harder to undo it. Don’t use the words “diet,” “calories,” or “scale.” Don’t put yourself down or the way you look in front of them. You may struggle with looking in the mirror and smiling, but don’t pass that attitude on!
2. Buy yourself clothes that fit and look beautiful at whatever weight you are! Get that engagement ring resized, buy that beautiful sheitel you want, get some nice clothes for each Yom Tov and weekday, and take time to get ready in the morning and look as beautiful as you can.
3. When your husband tells you that you look beautiful, say thank you and believe him! You are worthy of being loved, even if you are a little round around the edges.
4. Self-love is amazing, and it means accepting that you may never be a size double zero. But if you’re using eating as a way to cope or avoid something, then self-love cannot cure that. You need to seek help, go to therapy, and work out those emotional issues so that food stops being that drug.

Raquel Betesh, Baltimore

Support for Cleft Palate [Split]

We are a group of ladies who have children with cleft lips and palates. Since cleft is an ongoing issue that can involve follow-up surgeries and therapy, we’ve started a group text, which is a beneficial way of asking questions or giving pertinent info that can help another person. If anyone feels they can benefit from this group, or if anyone has a child and has lots of info they can give over to help others, please text to 845 662 7452.

Looking forward to having you join!

Moms of Kids with Clefts

Stirring Glimpse into History [Rocking Horse]

I would like to take the opportunity to thank Leah Gebber for another wonderful literary contribution to your pages. They have all been special, but in Rocking Horse, Leah has really outdone herself. It was a brilliantly researched period of history, giving us a glimpse into the struggles of assimilation and poverty, as well as being stirring and authentic.

As I read the serial each week, the characters began to expand, each one growing and changing as the story unfolded. Ernst, who cared for his wife, but belonged to a different culture; Emmy, the spoiled young society lady who grew to be a young woman of depth and determination; Felix, the intellectual who left it all to follow the truth; Becca, who was going to conquer the world but became a warm, caring member of the Jewish Nation; wise Chasya, kind but straying Sara, and Perele thrown into the mix. Most of all there was Hannah, whose honesty, warmth, and quiet strength shone though till the very last word.

Leah, once again thank you, and may you continue to inspire and uplift us all with your beautiful words.

Mrs. Rochel Schwarz, Manchester, England

A Rainy Day Treasure [Plate Art / Issue 720]

Thanks for your great publication, which we enjoy every Shabbos. This year’s Chanukah games were really fun and easy to implement. We were especially happy to have something different to do with the kids because we’ve have been home so often this year. The treasure hunt was great for all ages — even my four-year-old said, “This one is good for my age!”

We didn’t get around to doing the chocolate bar idea on Chanukah but I loved the idea so much that I just had to do it, one way or another! On a rainy day I told my kids to pick a name of one of their aunts/uncles/grandparents who lives here in town, and they each created a scrapbook page on a large piece of cardstock. Then we put each in a plastic pocket, put a ribbon through them to form a booklet, and made a front cover.  We brought it to my parents’ house as a “present” for staying there that Shabbos. They loved it and said they’ll treasure it forever.

B.D.

Sensational — and Harmful [Medical Mystery]

There seems to be a theme among articles published in family-focused Jewish magazines such as Mishpacha’s Family First that merits a closer look. First, let’s call a spade a spade. Even for a publication with many wonderful ideals, its priority is to create revenue. If it does not, it will soon fade away into the ether. Still, it would be nice to believe there is some integrity to what is in the best interest of the community that subscribes to it.

That all being said, the trend is as follows. In almost every issue there is a story about a fairly common physical symptom that does not seem to go away. It grows in mystery with each visit to another specialist. The days and months drag on as the symptoms worsen. Finally, finally, with great Hashgachah, they connect with the right specialist, and the elusive and rare diagnosis is found! The appropriate treatment is administered and a refuah shleimah is had. Let this be a cautionary tale to everyone out there not to overlook a typical headache! It could be fill-in-the-blank!

Objectively, how many readers is such an article helping? The one out of 850,000 who may or may not have such a disorder? What about the thousands reading who are predisposed to anxiety or already struggle with anxiety? Probably far more common than those who are at risk for the disease highlighted in the article. What is their response when they read it? “Honey, great news! Now I have another thing to worry about. Can you get Dr. Rosenblatt on the phone, please? He’s speed dial #1.”

This is not something I’m creating in a vacuum. This is something that has been shared in my office multiple times.

Sure, these articles are sensational and pull at the intrigue of the reader. The article titled “Woman Has Post-Nasal Drip and Recovers with Rest and Fluids” doesn’t really do it for most. In all seriousness though, a publication has an ethical responsibility to the public. That is to create a balance of quality journalism, entertaining material, and do no harm. It’s a difficult dance, without a doubt. A dance one chooses to enter. Is it incumbent on each individual to manage their own anxiety to the best they can with the supports they have? Of course! It would also go a very long way if the wonderful publications would be mindful as well when they choose what to put out there.

On behalf of all of those who are perhaps too anxious or uncomfortable to share their thoughts on this, thank you for responding in a manner that shares an appreciation for their experiences.

Shmuel Fischler LCSW-C Diplomate, Academy of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies

Rachael Lavon responds:

Thank you for taking the time to write. I’m not sure if you’ve been following the Medical Mystery column since its inception, but we actually don’t focus on rare conditions. We’ve tackled Lyme disease (endemic in the US), H. Pylori (affects nearly 50 percent of the world population), seizure disorders, UTIs, and undiagnosed pneumonia.

Only in one instance did we deviate off that track and publish a story about a rare condition called necrotizing fasciitis (NF) — but we had a reason for that. Recent studies have shown that women are less likely to have their pain and symptoms taken seriously. The heroine in our NF story pushed through intense pain to get the treatment she needed, despite her doctors’ skepticism.

In essence, that’s truly what this column is about. Our stories often end with the same messages: First, that pain should never be ignored. Second, women should feel empowered to advocate for themselves and their health.

As a male, there is a high likelihood you’ll never know what it’s like to be told your health concerns are unfounded or all in your head. Recent studies have proven, over and over, that women are less likely to be believed when seeking medical attention. I wish the reality were different, but I’ve spoken to too many women who’ve walked out of offices crying because they weren’t believed, who’ve had to lie to get the testing they knew they needed. I have too many friends who are too worried about sounding silly, crazy, or anxious to call the doctor.

I recently read an article about a side effect associated with a new medication out on the market. “At the beginning, the [drug company] said that it was just hysterical women, but it doesn’t seem that way, because we’re seeing this with men as well.” That’s a direct quote from a top doctor in a leading hospital on January 25, 2021. The “hysterical woman” trope may seem very 19th century — yet it lives on.

In this column, we try to provide narratives about common conditions. We feature women who didn’t fall into the trap of complacency, who didn’t take the answer “It’s just stress” sitting down. By illustrating how women deserve to be heard, we aim to provide positive reinforcement for women everywhere. We’ve been blessed with many fantastic doctors, but if more women recognized the signs of heart disease and stroke and were less reluctant to complain, we’d be doing better. If one woman stands her ground and demands proper testing because of the examples she’s seen here, I’ll be thrilled.

We’ve received astonishing feedback to this column. After we ran a story about a woman with a seizure disorder, who for years had been told her symptoms were all in her head, we received an avalanche of letters filled with similar stories, women so grateful to be validated and understood. In at least one case, the article led a sufferer to a diagnosis. The incredible Lyme disease experts, Life for Lyme, also relayed the amazing response our article ignited. More people reaching out, more people cognizant of the fact that ticks can cause lifelong damage — and that there are solutions. Awareness is a huge part of prevention and early treatment.

The second point I’d like to make is that this is a magazine geared toward adult women; we shouldn’t be afraid to offer information. Awareness can greatly improve the quality of life for those that are suffering. Censoring that is a disservice to the community. Instead, we should encourage women to sharpen the tool of self-censoring. Part of being an adult is choosing what we read. I myself am an avid reader, but often skip over articles I know I’ll find distressing. If a woman feels that reading about another person’s health journey may negatively affect her own emotional health, then there’s a very simple solution…. Just skip and move on.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 729)