A medical crisis upended their lives — three women share how they made it through

Dina

The Crisis

Five years ago, one of my children was born prematurely, at a very low birth weight. He stayed in the NICU for a few months. We put everything on hold, including my job as an occupational therapist, to be in the hospital full-time. Baruch Hashem, we made it through the first year, and today he’s a happy, healthy little boy.

Managing the Crisis

In the NICU, they’re intentionally not reassuring. No one says, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine,” because they aren’t going to tell you something they can’t promise. The message is: Whatever it is, you can do this.

Watching other parents in the ICU keep it together was a big source of chizuk. It reminded me that even though something may seem beyond what I can handle, my job was to show up, no matter what. I needed to accept that this is the situation, and I can’t turn away from it. Now, when my own clients are struggling with a challenge and they ask: “How am I growing from this?” I tell them it’s about being there, and it’s not your concern how you’ll grow. The growth shows when you look back.

Managing the Home

Right after the birth, Bubby flew in for two weeks, which was a real treat for the family. More than being a help with chores, having Bubby around meant that my kids could get some extra attention.

I was post-surgery, so I couldn’t bend or lift for a while, and we simply dealt with it. Even though I wasn’t getting up in the middle of the night for a crying baby, I was getting up to pump, which meant I still had all the exhaustion of a new mother.

What did everyone eat? I don’t know... they just managed. We ate a lot of noodles. And a lot of pizza. And used lots of disposables.

Laundry and cleaning just kind of went to pot. I’m sure clothing got ruined along the way. My kids probably went to school with dirty socks, but I wasn’t aware of it because I wasn’t home in the mornings. What was important got done and what didn’t get done wasn’t important.

Managing the Family

At first it was a real disappointment for my kids, because we’d been planning a trip abroad for the summer. They were counting down the days and then… we didn’t go.

We were careful not to minimize their struggle, to give them space, and say: “It’s upsetting and this is what Hashem sent us.” For me, trusting them to be able to deal with this was its own nisayon. It made me calmer to remember that it wasn’t my job to make it better for them or to make it up to them, but rather to hear their feelings and help them hold their pain.

We tried to make sure that our kids felt connected to the process, involving them in whatever developmentally appropriate way we could. They made drawings to put on the incubator, and we took pictures to show them. This helped everyone accept that things were a mess at home. They didn’t always have us around or the food they preferred, but they knew it wasn’t because we didn’t care — or cared about the baby more than them. They understood that the baby needed certain things that only Abba and Ima could give him.

One day, when I was walking with my five-year-old, I said, “It must be hard for you that I’m not home so much,” and he answered, “What do you mean? It’s good for the baby!”

My husband and I had very different approaches. I like to ask lots of questions and get all the medical information, while he prefers to “let go” and let Hashem run the show. Navigating this dynamic was an added challenge, but we became closer as a result.

It was a very scary time — really being in the dark for so much of it, because no one could give us clear answers. We did a lot of davening, so it was also a time of coming closer to Hashem. The intensity of it isn’t something we would have asked for, yet it created a family bond that was a big part of how we got through the emotional difficulties.

Managing Self

If you had told me what it would be like and asked me if I could handle it, I would have said, “Absolutely not.” I’m not an anxious person in general, but when it comes to my kids’ health, I have a hard time trusting others with caring for them.

I came out of this seeing and feeling that I can do hard things. It’s something I now can tell my kids and my clients with more confidence: This is hard and you can do it.

A Word to the Wise

Sometimes people want to know exactly what they can say to show that they care. There’s no global list of “right” and “wrong” conversation starters; every person’s challenge is unique. I don’t like to share much, so I appreciated when people gave over a feeling of genuine concern, without making me feel that I needed to allay their concerns by answering all their questions. You can be supportive, while still giving space for someone to share only as much as they want to.