"The first date was uncomfortable, but last night was excruciating. I couldn’t wait to get away from him!”

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

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MG, Mrs. Leiman,” Yali said. That was how she talked — she was perky and vivacious, positive and eager to please. She had gone out with Danny last night for the second time, and now she was bursting to share.

“I got it, Mrs. Leiman,” she said. “Remember after the first date I said he was a great guy, but something was bothering me? So, listen to this.”

I was listening. Yali was 24 and in school to become a dental hygienist, and I thought she was a great match for Danny, who was 27. He was still in yeshivah, but was eyeing a professional career in either law or business admin. They were both bright and driven and had similar backgrounds. Whatever was bothering Yali, I hoped we could resolve it.

“I figured out what was bothering me the first date,” she continued, “because it bothered me again now: He’s just so hard on himself. The entire date, he was putting himself down. Every time he opened his mouth, he said something negative about himself. The first date was uncomfortable, but last night was excruciating. I couldn’t wait to get away from him!”

Ouch. “Can you give me one or two examples?”

“One or two or a hundred,” she retorted. “Like… we were talking about camp, he had been my cousin’s counselor a bunch of years ago, I said my cousin had loved him. He was like, ‘Oh, I landed that job by accident, I was supposed to have a different job but a counselor backed out at the last minute.’

“Then I said my cousin still remembers how he saved the staff inter-camp basketball game — it was just a light comment, something fun to talk about. But he goes, ‘It was a fluke, I’m not really so good. You should see some of my friends play, they’re amazing.’”

I tried not to let Yali hear my sigh. People are attracted to positivity and confidence. No one wants to date a loser.