Husband: “Shira’s room is a disaster! Why are we allowing her to pile things up all over the place like that? There’s no way she can find anything in there or even think straight. It’s horrible for her!”

Wife: “It’s not that bad. There are just a few things she’s got piled up on her dresser. She can find what she needs.”

Husband: “The room is a nightmare! She can’t function in there.”

Wife: “It’s just fine. She tends to put a lot of things down on her dresser that’s all. It’s not as bad as it looks.”

Husband: “No one should have to live in a room like that and it’s all our fault that we’re not teaching her how to take care of her belongings!”

Wife: “It’s really not so terrible.”

Double Frustration

At the end of the conversation both husband and wife are frustrated. Let’s ask the husband how it felt for him:

Husband: “We obviously see things very differently. It’s frustrating to have this kind of conversation which by the way we have all the time. My wife just isn’t willing to see my point no matter how many times I say it.”

Now let’s ask the wife how she felt having the conversation:

Wife: “It’s very annoying. He’s not telling the truth. Shira’s room isn’t that bad — it’s certainly not the disaster scene he seems to be describing. He exaggerates in order to make his point. I can’t take him seriously.”

Who Owns the Truth?

The wife’s opinion that her husband is not telling the truth is based on her truth. From her point of view Shira’s room is not in disarray; the few things that are sitting on the dresser are not problematic. From her point of view the clutter will not ruin her daughter’s life. From her point of view her husband is lying.

The problem is that in marriage there are actually two points of view. The wife in our example has not yet acknowledged this reality and so measures her husband’s comments only from her point of view. In her mind she is the holder of the truth. She believes that she is objective in stating that Shira’s room is not such a big problem.

Most people feel that their view is the objective one. Some will even attempt to highlight the objectivity of their viewpoint by saying things like “Nine out of ten people would agree with me on this” or “Ask anyone — your mother brother sister and uncle — anyone would agree with what I’m saying.” Again the trouble with attempting to establish objective reality in marriage is that it is irrelevant. Who cares what other people have to say? The only opinion that really matters is the one of the person you are living with. Whether it is the wife or the husband who is the “holder of the truth ” there will always be predictable negative consequences. It can only cause trouble when you repeatedly disregard your spouse’s opinion or feelings.

Alienation

Consistently ignoring or trying to invalidate your spouse’s viewpoint does not get your spouse to see it your way. What it does accomplish is alienation. Your spouse feels misunderstood alone discounted unimportant and maybe even uncared for. Again let’s ask the husband in our example how he feels when this sort of conversation happens over and over again:

Husband: “I’m used to it now. She doesn’t care what I think. I get the feeling she thinks I’m crazy or maybe stupid. She’s always so right and I’m always so wrong. If I’m that wrong why should I even offer my opinion? I should just let her do whatever she wants and quietly disappear. At the end of the day it makes me feel really distant from her. She isn’t even interested in trying to understand what I’m saying.”

Room Enough for Two

Marriages that can accommodate the two realities of husband and wife are happier. Instead of trying to convince your partner that he or she is wrong spend your energy trying to understand and accept (not necessarily agree with) your partner’s position.

Ask questions. “What is it about Shira’s room that you find so problematic?” Seek clarification. Acknowledge perception. “I see. That makes sense. Her dresser is full of stuff that doesn’t belong there.” Work toward addressing your spouse’s concern. “What do you think we should do about it?”

Your open and receptive attitude will help foster a similar receptivity in your spouse making it easier for him or her to take your thoughts and feelings into serious consideration. Problems will become easier to solve. Conflict will be reduced. It’s not about being right or wrong; it’s about being respectful and caring. Put your relationship ahead of the “truth” by remembering that your spouse’s truth is just as true as your own. Make your marriage big enough for two.