From: Shevi Silber
Sent: March 26, 8:28 p.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: STEWING
“She has one, and now it’s time for a cat and dog!” Can you believe someone actually said that?!???
The insinuation, the accusation! WHAT IS SHE THINKING? Doesn’t she know I’d give up my high-powered job in an instant, throw away my high heels and sheitel collection for the chance to live in slippers, stretchy skirts, and snoods? Can’t people understand that my career is a pathetic attempt to fill a void which can never be filled? The one which yearns to hold and mother a newborn again? The one which is dying to embrace and squeeze another child with the love trapped within me?
Don’t they understand that it’s because I’m frying only a sparse few cutlets for dinner, and because I have but one school play and PTA meeting a year that I must have that job? I didn’t choose this!!!!!!!!
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: March 26, 11:32 p.m.
To: Shevi Silber
Subject: Re: STEWING
Ugh, Shevi. I’m so sorry. People are so insensitive — and they don’t even mean to be. You wish they’d think, just once, before they open their mouths. As if you’d ever get a dog anyway! (I could maybe see you with a cat….) J
HUGS!
Spotlight
Women dealing with secondary infertility have become accustomed to painful comments like, “It’s time for another one,” implying that they’re somehow at fault for not having more children.
Tzippy, mother of two teenagers, has been hearing such remarks for years, but each time they sting anew. “The knife is always there,” she says. “Every hurtful comment twists it a bit deeper.”
Just as hurtful are friendly reminders to appreciate the healthy child or children they already have. Women dealing with secondary infertility want validation; for friends and family to point out the positive is counterproductive.
And she definitely doesn’t want to feel others are avoiding her. Tzippy advises close friends and family to share news of their impending transition to maternity clothes. Though the conversation may be painful for the woman longing for a child, it’s even worse to see a loved one in maternity without advance notice.
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: March 27, 3:44 p.m.
To: Shevi Silber
Subject: Re:Re: STEWING
What concerns me most are my children’s comments. Today Leah came in from school pouting, “When are you going to have a baby already? You’re the only Mommy in the entire school who’s not bringing home new babies!”
Her friend’s mother just gave birth to a baby girl. The week before, it was someone else’s mother, and the week before someone’s else’s… I know, I don’t have to tell you; you’ve probably brought all of them gourmet dinners and dessert.
At least the older kids weren’t home; at 10 and 11, their questions are so much more intrusive….
From: Shevi Silber
Sent: March 28, 8:08 a.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: Re:Re:Re: STEWING
I hope you’re feeling a little better this morning.
I know exactly how you’re feeling. When Yitzi asks for a baby brother, I just have to laugh — or else I would cry! As if I could go to the store and pick one up! It’s so hard to look into his eyes and explain why I can’t make his dream happen.
Spotlight
“What to tell the other kids is always a loaded topic at our groups,” says Faigy Singer, a volunteer at A TIME (A Torah Infertility Medium of Exchange) who facilitated secondary infertility support groups for several years while dealing with the issue. “What parents share and how they present it depends a lot on the age and personality of the children and family’s style.”
When children are young, yet old enough to seriously question, Faigy recommends a simple answer: “This is what Hashem wants for our family right now. We should, though, continue davening for a new baby.”
As they grow older, this message can be reiterated with the caveat: “We can daven for another baby, and hope to be zoche, but we may not get it; we have to accept what we have.” Instead of planting false hopes, this response allows them to learn that there are disappointments in life.
Tzippy finds it important to emphasize to children that having a small family isn’t a decision she’s made; it’s what Hashem decided for them. At the same time, she focuses on the benefits of a small family, like family vacations to Disney World — the expenses and logistics would be prohibitive with a large family. Similarly, when her daughter requests a pricey accessory, she may tell her, “I only have one daughter — of course I’ll get it for you.”
From: Shevi Silber
Sent: April 5, 10:12 p.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: Who else is on the list?
Sorry, I have to vent again already. I just feel like I’m disappointing so many people…. My parents, who’d love to see more grandchildren, my in-laws, my husband, who hasn’t fulfilled his Torah obligation of fathering a boy and a girl…. That’s the hardest part — not being able to give him what he deserves.
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: April 6, 8:02 p.m.
To: Shevi Silber
Subject: Re: Who else is on the list?
Tell me about it. Shimmy likes to leave shul early, before people start leaving the kiddush. He says he’s antisocial but I know he doesn’t want to walk home with all those strollers. And he entirely avoids the shalom zachors. It kills me to see the pain on his face. I can’t help feeling it’s all my fault…
Uh-oh, this is making me cry. I gotta go. Talk soon.
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: April 27, 3:35 p.m.
To: Shevi Silber
Subject: Long time no speak!
How was your Yom Tov? My older girls went out with their friends, and Leah’s Bnos leaders organized something for her group. I didn’t really want to let her go (but I did, don’t worry!) The house just felt so empty!
I want my girls to be with me, to keep them close forever! But I don’t want them to feel different. It wouldn’t be fair to keep them tied to my apron strings.
My husband, my parents, my sisters, keep telling me to get a job. They say it’ll be better for everyone. But I want to be a stay-at-home mom! Going back to work is admitting defeat, akin to puncturing my dreams of ever mothering to a newborn again. I’m too young for that! I’m feeling myself growing old at such a young age.
From: Shevi Silber
Sent: April 28, 9:15 a.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: Right on Target
You really want to hear about my Yom Tov? Okaaay, you asked…
It’s always difficult to decide whether the three of us should just stay home and do a small Seder, or go to family and deal with what “everyone but me has.” We ended up at my sister’s — you know Shaindy, she has eight kids ka”h — and although I’m happy I did, the pangs and unbearable longings simmered beneath the surface.
All around us everyone is moving forward. My son is getting older. I’m getting older. Time is running out… And I’m too far behind to ever catch up.
I’m looking at the future and it’s hard not to focus on what mine will be lacking. In my mind’s eye I see oodles of grandkids filling my siblings’ homes, whereas my own grows empty and silent.
Spotlight
“Desiring another child is a deeply valid aspiration,” says Dr. Sara Barris, a clinical psychologist and director of support services for the American Infertility Association. “But it would be a shame to also lose out on many other facets of one’s life. The challenge becomes to find the inner resilience to move forward.”
Some people will build a career, others may decide to contribute to the community.
When Faigy looks into the future and sees her reality as mother to her only son, she refuses to bemoan her plight. “As much as I wish I wasn’t being tested with this nisayon, and I sometimes do get moody and angry at people, if this is my situation, I want to get the most out of it,” she says. “I’ve decided to become a giver.”
She reminds herself that years from now, she’ll want to look back and be proud of how she handled the challenge HaKadosh Baruch Hu gave her. “I will not allow myself to become a victim of the circumstances,” Faigy is adamant. “I became a nurse in the labor and delivery unit. If I won’t be the woman birthing the child, I’ll be the one assisting her. The nisayon will not dictate my life.”
From: Shevi Silber
Sent: May 4, 11:33 a.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: Special People; Special Mention
At this point there’s no way to avoid seeing myself in that “special category.” I remember how, by the time Yitzi turned four, we’d been wondering why our next child wasn’t on the way yet. It seemed as if all of our friends were having kids one after the other, and I remember being afraid to voice my concern because speaking it out loud would be admitting that there very possibly was something wrong with me. With us.
Then, when I was invited to a support group, I felt as if I were admitting to myself and the world that we were now “special.” That we are a couple with an “issue”.
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: May 4, 7:21 p.m.
To: Shevi Silber
Subject: Re: Special People; Special Mention
You are special Shevi. J
Seriously though, I am so grateful to that support group for all the, well, support. And most of all, for introducing us. (cue the violins now) It’s hard enough to deal with this; it would be torture to deal with it alone.
Spotlight
Confronting the issue, whether by going to a doctor or joining a support group, makes it very real; there’s no denying the problem any longer. At this point, women may have fears for their family’s future, doubts about their next step, and dismay that their body is no longer serving them in a way it once did effortlessly.
Though acknowledging the issue is painful and places couples in a category they never wanted to find themselves in, it’s an important first step. Coming to terms with their difficulty will allow the couple to reach out for help in evaluating their situation and for emotional support.
Infertility often leaves a couple feeling isolated. However, Dr. Barris asserts, there are many resources a couple can tap into, including infertility education, advocacy, and networks of support. A couple can move from feelings of aloneness and shame to a healthier space as they seek guidance for the proper medical intervention.
“Sometimes secondary infertility results from structural or hormonal issues caused by a previous delivery. It’s also possible that changes in lifestyle such as weight gain, smoking, or alcohol intake of either husband or wife can affect fertility,” says Rae Adler, community development officer of Chana, an organization supporting London couples dealing with infertility. “These problems need to be investigated and can often be dealt with if one gets appropriate support and guidance.”
National support teleconferences allow for anonymity and privacy, making for a safe place to communicate struggles. Many participants hail from communities in which large families are the norm, leaving them to feel like misfits.
Support groups provide friends in similar situations who often become like second families. “It’s a place to be understanding and understood,” Faigy says. “We get together and gather comfort just from sharing our experiences.”
Opening up to women in similar situations and working through their feelings with each other is very therapeutic, even without therapy. “Just knowing that you’re not alone is enough to make one feel better,” Tzippy adds. “Having someone who really knows what it’s like tell you ‘I know what you’re going through’ is invaluably validating.”
Rae Adler hones in on the importance parental support. “Often parents of couples dealing with infertility don’t quite know how to best support them,” she says. “They don’t want to be intrusive, but they do want to help.”
At Chana, and similar organizations, parents have access to a qualified professional. “We look at the couple’s unique situation,” Rae says, “and support their parents accordingly.”
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: May 15, 11:54 a.m.
To: Shevi Silber
Subject: no subject
This morning, I came home from an early morning treatment ready to wave everyone off — only to find that no one was ready to be waved off! Leah was eating a bowl of cereal at the table, and the older kids were still in dreamland. It wasn’t the biggest deal, I know. But my exhaustion was clouding all rationality.
Words I’d never thought I’d say to anyone — let alone my precious kids — exploded from my mouth. They got to hear all about responsibility and ungratefulness and dependency and maturity and who knows what else. All because they overslept. And I don’t even know if I can blame them for it. Can I expect a 10- and 11-year-old to get themselves ready for school while helping their 8-year-old sister? I should appreciate the times it does work out, not get stuck on the times it doesn’t.
And then I question myself why. Why? Why? WHY? Why am I doing this? Why am I leaving the kids again and again, expending so much time and energy for the sake of children I don’t yet have? Shouldn’t I conserve that for the ones Hashem blessed me with? And what about finances? Are we right to spend money that isn’t ours on hopes and dreams that haven’t led us anyplace?
We’re dipping into savings which are supposed to be for the children’s weddings. Are our future children more deserving? Who is to guarantee that there will be more children? Why aren’t the ones I have enough to make me happy?
From: Shevi Silber
Sent: May 15, 12:03 p.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: You’re so Normal!!!
Oy, Shev, it’s always so hard to know if we’re doing the right thing. Just keep telling yourself, you talked it all out with Dr. Stephens and Rabbi G. and you’re following daas Torah and doing whatever you can. Your kids will be fine — they’re great kids, and they’ll be thrilled if they get another sibling (even if it is another girl!). But they’ll also be just fine the way they are too.
And I don’t mean to be cynical, but you forgot one important why: Why Am I So Selfish? Why ain’t I happy with the kids I already have? Why do I always think I must have more?
I know, I know, it’s a dumb question. Do my friends who give birth every two years ever think that?
I recently heard something I’ve been wanting to share with you. There’s a famous Rashi on the joy Rochel Imeinu experienced when Yosef was born; Rashi explains she was glad she’d now have someone to blame for the mess in her house. The question is, who was faulting Rochel for her housekeeping? Yaakov, who loved her and worked for 14 years to merit marrying her? Was he getting angry at her for a few broken dishes?
An answer I recently heard in the name of Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz is that when one is going through infertility, everything matters; a triviality such as a broken dish becomes a major catastrophe.
So just know: We’re very normal. J J J
Spotlight
Sacrifice and compromise are a constant during the journey through secondary infertility, which is why guilt is secondary infertility’s constant companion.
“To deal with guilt, couples should indulge in self-compassion, not self-pity,” Dr. Barris says. “Showing dignity, tenderness, and self-respect during this difficult challenge allows for a healthy attitude and alleviation of guilt.”
In addition, couples who already birthed a child or two or three should know that organizations assisting couples with infertility are equipped to assist them as well. “Often couples spend years struggling on their own before finally reaching out to organizations like ours,” Rae says. “They think that because they’ve already given birth, they don’t ‘deserve’ support. However, we understand that the challenge facing these couples is real and painful and they can benefit from our support and knowledge.”
Qualified support to help dissect complex issues helps a couple feel confident and secure about their decision making, taking away much of the second guessing. A professional, for example, will make couples aware of likely success rates based on their diagnosis, and they can then make a better decision as to whether the treatment is worth borrowing money for and investing time and emotional energy, or whether they’re getting stuck in false hopes.
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: May 21, 8:08 p.m.
To: Shevi Silber
Subject: no subject
It’s ironic that the treatments that are supposed to broaden our family are driving a wedge between Shimmy and me. Though the injections puncture my skin, I know each one hurts him as much as it does me. So why did I tell him he’ll never understand? Why did I blame him for being indifferent to my pain? Why did I accuse him of a lackadaisical attitude? Of being thrifty in face of the zechus to bring down another child? He’s the one who has a bris in shul every other week. He’s the one who rushes pregnant women to the hospital in his Hatzolah job. Why am I indifferent to his pain? He is just as much a partner to this as I am.
I’m ashamed of the times I allow myself to forget that.
Spotlight
Infertility can become an enormous source of stress for a marriage. One spouse may want a more aggressive treatment, for instance, or the two may disagree about financial outlay for uncertain results, and so on.
Even if you have a solid marriage, Faigy advises finding someone to mediate disagreements, be it a rav, a therapist, or someone else they trust — “someone the couple feels comfortable turning to for advice and perspective.”
Nonetheless, Dr. Barris emphasizes, infertility has the capacity to deepen and evolve the marital relationship. “The couple needs to appreciate that they and their marriage are defined by so much more than their infertility alone,” she says. “Being there for one another with fondness, admiration, and gratitude is pivotal. Being able to find meaning and joy in life can maintain marital cohesion even through frustration and disappointment.”
From: Ilana Berger
Sent: June 28, 5:22 p.m.
To: Shevy Silber
Subject: Life must go on
This was all we talked about these past two weeks. And now it’s all over. Maybe I shouldn’t have breathed. I shouldn’t have carried that bottle of milk home. Could’ve, should’ve, would’ve… oh! What’s the use? And the doctor isn’t sounding so hopeful after this incident….
Maybe Hashem doesn’t want me to have more children; why am I working against His Will? Jewish mother wannabees are just as full of guilt as Jewish mothers.
Now I have to go on living. For my husband and my precious girls.
From: Shevi Silber
Sent: June 28, 9:16 p.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: Re: Life must go on
I’m so, so sorry. Cry it out, Lans, it’s okay. Just cry.
I’m crying for you over here.
Spotlight
The roller coaster of raised hopes, and then dashed dreams can extract a high toll on women dealing with infertility. It’s critical for women to allow themselves to express their pain, rather than soldiering on without processing the difficulty. Only by dealing with the emotions can they hope to get past them.
It’s also important to keep one’s bond with the third Partner in creation strong. Couples must remember that doctors aren’t G-d. “Hakadosh Baruch Hu is a Kol Yachol,” Rebbetzin Aviva Feiner, Rebbetzin of Kneseth Israel (The White Shul) in Far Rockaway, says. “I met a couple whose doctors told them they would never have more children — holding their baby son.”
Believing in “ein od milvado” and strengthening one’s faith keeps a couple strong during this tremendous test.
From: Shevi Silber
Sent: July 11, 8:49 p.m.
To: Ilana Berger
Subject: Nachas doesn’t come in numbers
I can’t wait for the day my son (dare I add the plural s???) complains about sleepless nights and endless feedings and diapers. Of course I’ll provide the sympathy that overworked, underpaid parents deserve, but within my heart will be bursts of joyous song.
I tell myself that all of Klal Yisrael emerged from Sara Imeinu’s only child. My legacy too, will be perpetuated through the next generation. I’m grateful to have that one who transformed me into a Mommy!
(Originally featured in Family First Issue 410)
