“She was so tough about it, I can’t live with that. She’s going to be so critical, analyzing everything, sensitive about everything I say or do!”

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

Chaim was ready to start dating and he knew exactly what he didn’t want.

He didn’t want to spend years dating. He didn’t want to go out night after night, dating girls back to back. He watched his friends do that, watched them become burnt out and emotionally drained.

“I want to marry my first girl,” he informed me.

Chaim also knew exactly what he wanted, which would be useful in helping him avoid dating overload. He was looking to marry a gentle, thoughtful girl.

His parents’ marriage had gone through several crises, and he attributed that to his mother’s rigidity, self-centeredness, and lack of generosity. He was determined not to let history repeat itself. He wife would be the queen of sensitivity and kindness.

Rivky seemed perfect for him. She was the middle child after two boys, her mother’s right hand. Her youngest brother was autistic, and Rivky had a special bond with him. She’d entertain him, take him to the playground, and sing soothingly to him when he was upset. Her experiences strengthened her intuitive understanding of people, and she had a generous and giving nature.

Chaim and Rivky hit it off right away. They were both deep thinkers, and they built their relationship slowly and steadily, the gradual development that signifies a healthy connection. As they dated, Chaim began to sound optimistic, then happy, then practically exuberant. Although Rivky was usually a little reserved, she couldn’t hide the lilt in her voice, and when I told her she sounded happy, she didn’t deny it.

But everything came to a screeching halt on their sixth date.

Chaim was so flustered he actually came to my house to talk to me.

“Forget it,” he blurted. “I can’t do this. There’s no way I can marry her.”