“You think you’ll marry him off and make a buck… if you don’t listen to me, I’ll never give you a penny!”

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

"I feel like I’m never going to get married,” Leora told me.

She sketched her background: her family was less than Orthodox, but after her father had passed away when she was little, some special teachers had reached out to offer their help and support. As Leora grew up, she became inspired by their lifestyle. She learned to appreciate the depth in what had seemed to be meaningless religious rituals. Now she wanted to marry a yeshivah bochur.

Her story made me think of Yosef. Like Leora, Yosef (formerly Joey) moved more to the right of the Modern Orthodox community he had grown up in. He was comfortable in the yeshivah world, and he wanted to learn long-term.

His parents were divorced, and both had remarried. He was close with his mother and she supported his choices, even though his lifestyle was very different from her own. His relationship with his father seemed a little more complicated.

I thought Yosef and Leora would appreciate each other’s journeys, and they definitely shared the same values. When I reached out to his mother to suggest Leora, she was thrilled.

“I don’t have a network for the kind of girl Joey wants to marry,” she confided. “I really appreciate that you reached out.” She had a sunny, easygoing personality and I found her to be flexible and supportive throughout the initial stages of the shidduch.

Yosef’s father also wanted to be involved. When I mentioned this to his mother (just to keep everyone on the same page), she hesitated for a moment. “You might have a little… difficulty with him,” she said, picking her words carefully. In the end, Yosef decided to talk to his father directly, instead of having me call him.

But after six dates, I knew this was it. (They knew it too!) I felt that it was time for me to contact Mr. Berheim and keep him in the loop. It seemed likely the couple would be engaged after a few more dates, and leaving him out would be hurtful and disrespectful.

As I dialed, I remembered Yosef’s mother’s warning and reminded myself to be polite and friendly, no matter what. I assumed it would be no problem — after all, this was a simchah we were discussing.