And because today’s parents are so busy, says Rabbi Weiner, they may not manage to stay abreast of each child’s social status within the class.. Does the child have the friends and the social skills which are so crucial to his self-esteem, or is he friendless and perhaps searching and vulnerable? This too has become the rebbi’s responsibility.

Knowing Your Talmid

Veteran principal of Bnos Leah Yeshiva of Prospect Park, master educator, sociologist, and teacher trainer Rabbi Yoel Kramer quotes his own rebbi, Rav Yitzchok Hutner ztz”l, who already back in the 1970s noted that traditionally schools and teachers taught information, while parents were responsible for everything else, but since parents have become too harried, the rebbi must take on part of that role, which can include middos training and character development..

The fallout is not only an additional onus on the rebbi. It also means a level of pampering and entitlement. From his vantage point of decades spent in chinuch, Rabbi Kramer admits that today’s children are more pampered than ever before.

“We see a lot of coddling, and a lot less rigor and regimen, which in turn leads to less motivation. When I was a boy, we went to elementary school Sunday through Thursday, from 9 to 6. We had school on Fridays too, and we did homework. Today’s system is vastly less rigorous.”

The system might not be as rigorous, but that hasn’t lowered the stress level.

“Kids exhibit more stress than previously,” says Tiferes Yisroel’s Rabbi Weiner. “They are so often anxious, and I’m not talking about clinical anxiety, just general stress. Social standing plays a very big role in their lives.”

That said, an attentive rebbi, especially in today’s dynamic, is still the key to success. Rabbi Kramer’s popular yearlong course for prospective mechanchim has three parts: classroom management, lesson planning, and the subject of getting to know the talmid and facilitating his personal growth. Rabbi Kramer advises every rebbi to create opportunities to give personal attention to each child and to work his way down the list of students, making sure to speak and connect individually to all of them.

“Years ago, I had a student who disappeared for a few days. When he came back, he told me the reason he couldn’t be in school was because his shoes were in repair. I asked why he didn’t wear his Shabbos shoes, and he said he didn’t have any other shoes. I looked into it, and it was not only a very poor home, but completely dysfunctional. As his rebbi, it was very important for me to know this background, in order to really be able to understand this student and proactively help him.”

This rebbi-talmid bond, Rabbi Kramer affirms, is not just a nice extra, but the key to success, especially since the rebbi is the adult who interfaces with the child most during the day.

“In order to teach them, you have to reach them,” says Rabbi Kramer. “For younger children, it’s crucial that they feel their teacher likes them. Older talmidim need much more than that — they need a real kesher with the rebbi. They have to feel that the rebbi loves them and is machshiv them. He has to try and make them feel good about themselves.

“Look, today’s children face many challenges,” he continues. “If they don’t feel good about themselves through learning, they will look for other means of gratification. A boy who doesn’t feel connected with his rebbi can very easily find and connect with other kids who feel out of the circle. The result is a continued negative cycle.”

If today’s rebbi has to fill the role of emotional mentor as well, is there anyone to fill the role of the traditional rebbi, a teacher of Torah? Rabbi Kramer doesn’t seem to feel there’s a conflict. In fact, he sees the rebbi’s primary role as character building as opposed to an exclusive imparter of information.

“He has to be both,” Rabbi Kramer clarifies. “The rebbi’s primary task today is creating a good relationship with his student and building his character. Does that mean imparting knowledge falls by the wayside? Possibly, to an extent. But I believe it’s still worthwhile to focus on character growth and relationships.”

Talent Scouts

There’s actually a tremendous chinuch cycle going on, say experts, when a rebbi really gets to know his talmid and is able to access the chein and good qualities of every single student. It’s not only a secondary result of having to fill the hole created by overstressed or inattentive parents, but an important policy in and of itself.

“We need to be talent scouts who make our children aware of the strengths Hashem has given them as special gifts,” says Rabbi Mandel. “My rebbi, Rav Simcha Zissel Levovitz ztz”l, would quote his father Reb Yeruchem — the Mirrer mashgiach. He would say, ‘Oy to someone who doesn’t recognize his deficiencies, but Oy vavoy to one who does not recognize his strengths.’ Only a child who recognizes his own strengths can embark on the path to success. Our job is to be a ‘coach’ to our children and to help them to discover their strengths. We are advocates, not adversaries.”

Some children are gifted academically and naturally garner praise in the classroom, but what about the child who really doesn’t have special scholastic gifts?

Rabbi Yissachar Weiner emphasized that every single child has his own special talents, although often he’s unaware of them or considers them trivial. But once recognized and pointed out, these strengths become real to him and his self-esteem can soar.

“Praise the talents of your students in any area you see,” Rabbi Weiner says. “If you walk through the gym and see a talmid score a basket, praise him for that. If a boy acts as chazzan one day, praise him for his good voice.”

The “success breeds success” rule means that your student, once he feels successful in one area, will approach other tasks with a winning attitude too.

Punitive practices so commonplace in the old days have gone out of vogue, but in their place, have we now created a level playing field between teachers and students, in the process diminishing the Torah-mandated veneration for authority?

Rabbi Kramer explains how the dynamic is optimally supposed to work — noting that Rav Dovid Leibowitz ztz”l, a talmid of the Alter of Slobodka and the founding rosh yeshivah of Chofetz Chaim, used to address his students as “ihr” (the respectful form of second-person address in Yiddish): “Of course we have to be careful to draw a line between rebbi and talmid — they don’t become friends. But, when a rebbi shows respect to a talmid, what usually happens is that the talmid copies this model, and gives respect back,” he says.

Relationships between rebbi and student also vary by the norms of the particular community, and every locale has its own priorities, advantages, and handicaps. “New York is not the same as Cleveland, Lakewood is not the same as Monsey, and even London, Manchester, and Gateshead are three different worlds,” Rabbi Kramer explains. “A rebbi has to understand the mindset of his students as well as the nuances of the culture, but I will say that universally, chinuch has changed in response to the changes in society, and rebbeim have risen to the challenges.”

Too Fragile?

The increased frailty of children today has also changed the way the lines are drawn. How is a rebbi supposed to navigate the demarcation line? Rabbi Weiner is a grandson of Rav Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg ztz”l, and says it’s difficult to speak of love in chinuch without invoking this beloved gadol’s advice. “My zeide often spoke about unconditional love and warmth and the importance of not being overly strict. Actually, children need love the most when it looks like they deserve it the least.”

Rabbi Weiner, whose school is especially known for the atmosphere of warm camaraderie that reverberates from the top down, feels that applies to a teacher’s love as well. “The mechanech has to work on himself to find the chein in each child. Yes, of course you need to have discipline. Of course there need to be consequences. But always with love.”

He remembers that “when I was a bochur and I missed a Friday night seder, the mashgiach gave me a hard time, but he came over that Shabbos morning and said to me, ‘We’re still friends.’ He was ahead of his time, but in today’s generation it is even more essential that the talmid feels the rebbi’s love. Particularly if a rebbi mishandles a situation, it is crucial to apologize. In fact, such an apology can kick-start a great rebbi–talmid relationship.”

But how, people ask, can a rebbi effectively educate his charges if he’s only focused on the positive attributes of the child? Does that make today’s educators too soft? Rabbi Mandel says he once asked the previous Bobover Rebbe, Rav Naftuli ztz”l, if children really are more fragile in this generation than in previous ones, or if their perceived vulnerability is an American cultural invention that is not in sync with Torah.

“The Rebbe explained that the families who stayed frum in previous generations were made of very strong stuff. Their daily lives required a lot of mesirus nefesh, and their children absorbed this inner strength and had a strong constitution. They were able to grow from criticism. Today, it does not require as much mesirus nefesh to be shomer Torah and mitzvos, so yes — both parents and children are far more fragile, so we need to be more supportive and less critical than previously.”

Since children are so much more self-conscious and sensitive to rebuke and punishment, mechanchim today will offer criticism with great care, sometimes feeling like they’re walking on eggshells. “You can tell a child they did something wrong, but they should never feel inadequate or personally wronged,” Rabbi Weiner clarifies. “You keep their self-esteem intact and just criticize the specific action.”

This rebbi-talmid relationship, say mechanchim, is vital in today’s world for instilling a love of the Torah path within a maelstrom of distractions and temptations. When teaching secular subjects, a teacher is aware that not every student will become best friends with the material, and cultivating an affection for math or geography is certainly admirable, but not vital. Teaching Torah, though, is vastly deeper and broader than transmitting secular knowledge. The student does not only need to learn Torah, he needs to love it, and this objective is central to the way rebbeim teach.

“When teaching Torah, the cognitive aspect is not enough,” says Rabbi Mandel. “The affective component is absolutely critical. We should be as concerned with children ‘loving’ to learn as we are with how ‘much’ they learn. This is a crucial component — our gedolim have said that the entire raison d’être of elementary schools is to nurture a love of learning. Success as a mechanech is imbuing a love of learning within our talmidim, as much as it is imparting knowledge.”

Blame the Rebbi

Over the years, both Rabbi Mandel and Rabbi Kramer have trained thousands of rebbeim and morahs all over the world. Yet for all the talk about today’s children being pampered and difficult to motivate, they say one of the biggest challenges mechanchim face today is not from those talmidim — it’s actually from parents.

“It’s a bit shocking, but the major complaint I receive from teachers I mentor is that they’re being bashed by parents,” Rabbi Kramer reveals. “The rebbeim feel discouraged by the blaming and lack of respect coming from their students’ homes. Whatever they do, someone is sure to complain. Parents need to be aware that their child’s rebbi is human. I’m not making excuses for substandard rebbis, and of course we want the chinuch to be of the highest standards, but what is this rebbi-bashing that we’ve been seeing so much of today? It stems partly from the parent’s own increased stress and burden of responsibility, but what before you lash out, think — what’s this doing to your child?”

Rabbi Kramer says this is a reflection of a deeper problem in today’s frum world — the lack of clear messages on which children thrive. In many cases, he says, today’s parents are often not only busy, but torn between spiritual aspirations and material goals.

“We want to enjoy life, so we need to make the money to do that. But many still have she’ifos for their children to achieve Torah greatness. There is a kind of schizophrenia present. What do we really want for ourselves and our children? Our children are getting mixed messages from society about priorities, and that’s the real bottom line.”

Keeping It Fresh

Despite notoriously low pay, pressure from parents, and a practically reinvented job description, rebbeim and morahs — to their great credit — are constantly seeking fresh inspiration and looking for new ways of stimulating their students with exciting initiatives. Training courses by Rabbi Mandel and Rabbi Kramer alone reach several hundred every year, and they are far from the only ones in the field — these teachers know that in this field, stagnation is not an option.

“Today’s educators are in chinuch by choice, not by default,” says Rabbi Mandel. “There’s definitely been an upsurge in the quality of mechanchim in our community. These are people who could have succeeded as businessmen or academics, but they have chosen instead to succeed in chinuch, to teach Klal Yisrael’s children.”

Rabbi Mandel’s own rosh yeshivah in Yeshivas Chofetz Chaim, Rav Henoch Lebowitz, famously sent his own talmidim into chinuch after many years of training in Torah learning, character development, and mussar.

“I know many of my own Chofetz Chaim contemporaries who initially aspired to obtain degrees in accounting or law and the Rosh Yeshivah turned them around towards a life of chinuch. He was the quintessential mechanech and he inspired us to be marbitzei Torah, with his mantra that the most beautiful thing you could do for someone is teach them Torah. We have very high-caliber rebbeim today, talented and committed people who pour their talents into our children.”

Because the most beautiful thing you can do for another is teach him Torah.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 632)