Orthodox weddings have long since gotten out of hand. The parade of dignitaries to and from the chuppah is dizzying. The master of ceremonies mumbles the names of Harav or Hagaon or Harosh hayeshivah says something about his being the uncle’s brother or grandfather’s rebbi or second-grade teacher of the chassan or kallah and in a blur of black the dignitaries solemnly do their duties with no one knowing who is who.
In order to bring some order out of chaos we present here an innovative idea that will restore sanity to this maddening process: a program guide to who’s who among the major participants.
The concept is simple. Every rosh yeshivah every grandfather uncle cousin and friend who is scheduled to participate in the ceremony will have a large number attached to his back as soon as he enters the hall. When it is his turn to do the honor he is called up by number instead of a mumbled name. As soon as a number is called the wedding guests simply look down at their program — which they will find on their chairs — and they will learn not only the name but also the title and bio. Here as a service to readers of Mishpacha is a sample program:
# 27 — Harav Hagaon Ha’amiti Mordechai Hayehudi brother-in-law of the cousin of the rebbi of the chassan’s uncle will be mesader kiddushin. He holds the siddur-kiddushin-frequency record for 5773 having been mesader over 100 kiddushin in 12 months.* He seeks to beat that record this year and so far is ahead of schedule with 32 weddings under his belt as of March. (*Not counting 13-month leap years which is a separate category.)
#19 — Harav Hagaon Levi-Hakohein brother of the kallah’s grandfather’s uncle will read the kesubah. He holds the international record for kesubah speed-reading achieved in 5772 when he read a kesubah in 53.8 seconds beating the old record by a full 2.4 seconds. He spends his time honing his kesubah-reading skills reciting at least 50 practice kesubos each day in order to stay in shape.
#52 — Harav Bentzion Gefani third uncle of the chassan’s brother-in- law will read the first two brachos. He is internationally known for never spilling more than several small drops of wine on the kallah’s wedding gown. He also holds the “caught-in-traffic-on-the-way-to-weddings” record having thus delayed 23 weddings by an average of 90 minutes each. In one historic evening he was in such great demand that he was late for three consecutive weddings a still-standing world record.
#36 — Shlumiel Darkei-Shalom next-door neighbor of the chassan’s best friend will read the next four brachos. He is very sensitive and becomes quite agitated when he receives less than four brachos. He claims that reciting anything less is far beneath his dignity especially for a next-door-neighbor of the chassan’s friend. He also points out kabbalistically that the number of letters in the ineffable Name of G-d happens also to be four which he claims is no mere coincidence.
#77 — Grand Rabbi of Salt Lake City will do the brachah acharita. This brachah usually reserved for a top dignitary is given to the Grand Rabbi because a) he is the top Jewish dignitary in the state of Utah and b) because he is in pursuit of the world’s brachah acharita record. That mark now stands at 92 brachah acharitas per 12 months and this year the Grand Rabbi has already recited 31 which puts him on track for a new record. Though it has not yet been verified he claims to know the brachah acharita by heart. In addition to his brachah-reciting skills those who give him this brachah are known to have doubled their income during their first year of marriage.
These are just samples of the creative possibilities of our innovative program. But there’s more! Besides identifying all the participants the program can also act as a fundraiser by selling ads to corporate sponsors. For example shadchanim could sponsor the mesader kiddushin and the brachah acharita could be underwritten by The Glattest Ultimate Pizzas. The kallah herself could be sponsored by Kuppat Ha’ir whose scholars davened for her 24/7 for six straight years until she landed her bashert. Further opportunities could include the kallah’s sheitel sponsored by Shaina’s Shaineh Sheitels.
Funds raised could be used for any worthy purpose such as paying for the smorgasbord or supplying earplugs for the guests. These trailblazing concepts will bring weddings to a new level and are clearly ideas whose time has come and gone.
(P.S. When using these original ideas you have my permission not to mention my name. Happy Purim.) —