They may be little but their need for you is great

One could be excused for thinking that nothing much is going on in an infant’s mind. After all the little guy sleeps away the better part of each day. Even as he grows up a bit he isn’t all that impressive; he may be smiling and all that but let’s face it he doesn’t say much.
A year or two of this act he still hasn’t progressed beyond the simplest forms of expression and functioning so what possible difference could it make if we put him here or there expose him to this or that or interact with him one way or another? He’ll look pretty much the same either way. At least that’s the way it seems.
Under the Surface
As is often the case there’s more going on beneath the surface than one might suppose. It turns out that babies are doing quite a lot of deep-level processing. They’re working toward establishing something called “secure attachment.”
This essential emotional connection to a primary caregiver has enormous ramifications for the infant’s development. According to Harvard psychiatrist Dan Siegel mentioned in last week’s column “The attachment bond fosters optimal development of the child’s nervous system influencing social emotional intellectual and physical development... every neuron in the brain responds to a nurturing environment.”
Last week we spoke about how crucial attachment is for adults. But that need for attachment begins from the very earliest age. As we know the lifelong benefits of a secure attachment include the following:
better ability to manage stress
greater capacity for trusting healthy interpersonal relationships
greater independence
more academic and professional success
less depression and anxiety; higher self-esteem
In addition securely attached babies turn into better-behaved children and teens who have better relationships with their parents.
Attaching to a Tired Mom
Secure attachment may seem like an inconvenient concept. Parents like independent babies who can self-soothe and entertain themselves. The securely attached baby on the other hand is comparatively demanding: From around the age of 7 to 18 months this youngster cleaves to his attachment figure happy in her presence and distraught when she leaves.
As it turns out this temporary intense need for closeness is very healthy and lays the groundwork for the capacity to love deeply throughout life. Moreover when the need is met the baby grows into a more independent child who is more capable than other children of regulating his own emotions.
But how does a mother manage to take care of herself her household and her many obligations while simultaneously fostering secure attachment in the latest addition to the family? Fortunately Hashem took mothers very much into consideration when establishing the requirements for secure attachment. It turns out that every act that facilitates attachment in the baby also nurtures the mother. None requires 24-hour-a-day presence. Rather attachment activities can occur in whatever moments a mother shares with her baby.
The key to fostering attachment is the act of attunement — communicating with the baby in numerous ways. All acts of connection help take care of mother and baby simultaneously.
Whatever daily steps a mother takes to relieve her stress benefits her the baby and the attachment process because the baby’s nervous system is regulated by the mother’s calmness (and dysregulated by her agitation!). One of the most important things a mother can do is meet her own needs since this allows her to be emotionally present for her baby.
Nursing a baby releases beneficial calming hormones into the mother’s bloodstream. Looking into her baby’s eyes regulates her own nervous system. Caressing the baby’s hair or stroking his back causes her own mirror neurons to respond as if they too were being stroked. The baby is warmed and comforted by the mother’s body just as the mother is warmed and comforted by her baby’s soft form. Responding to the baby’s happiness or irritability — reading the baby’s cues accurately — attaches Mother to Baby just as much as it attaches Baby to Mom.
It is no surprise that research shows that secure attachment in the baby facilitates the health energy and wellbeing of the mother releasing nourishing chemistry into her own bloodstream. Taking good care of Baby turns out to be the best way for Mother to take good care of herself!