There are two statements in Pirkei Avos that seem to contradict each other. “Judge all people [or alternatively all of the person] favorably” (1:6) sounds like an imperative to judge. But we’re also warned “Don’t judge your friend until you reach his place” (2:4) which seems to indicate that we shouldn’t be judging at all as we can never really be in someone else’s exact place. What is the correct course of action?
The logical conclusion is that there are some situations where judgment is called for and others where it is not.
In my last piece I spoke about the benefit of judging our spouses favorably and creating positive energy by believing the best about our other halves. Let’s now explore when and how we need to judge.

Whose Yardstick?
In the laws of shemiras halashon we’re given seven conditions that need to be met in order to speak negatively about someone l’toeles for a constructive purpose. One of these conditions is that we must be certain that the other person’s action is prohibited by the Torah. In other words our yardstick for judging negative actions is Hashem’s view of right or wrong as refelected in the Torah.
There are many situations in which I need to determine whether or not an action is correct. If my mother-in-law who is unfamiliar with the laws of kashrus came to help me out when I went into the hospital for a procedure I need to know whether she ran my kitchen according to halachah. In such a case the need to judge is clear. And if I find that someone messed things up while I was away he or she still deserves to be given proper credit for good intentions since we need to separate intentions from actions. But I need to judge what went wrong so I can go on to rectify it.
So when should we be withholding judgment? Each individual has a way of doing things and responding to situations that is unique based on personal likes and dislikes. There will be a myriad of circumstances that I will never be privy to even if I am married to you. If I grew up with an encouraging mother can I truly understand what it means to grow up with a critical one? If I was always told I’d never succeed at any task can you fully identify with my lack of confidence when starting new projects? Judgement in these areas will only make a spouse feel worse about things they already see as shortcomings in themselves.
All individuals have their own preferences. I like the room cool my coffee scalding my dining room immaculate. If my spouse likes the room like a sauna iced coffee and a lived-in dining room we need to work it out practically.
But judging those preferences and proclivities adds unnecessary strain to a relationship.
Why does he want the same thing for dinner three nights a week? Why does he need to speak to his mother every day? Why does she need so much downtime when she comes home from work? Why is she so upset when the cleaning person doesn’t show up? The questions themselves the judgments we’re passing state: The way I like it is right and the way that you like it or need to do it is wrong. The message the other person often hears is “I don’t accept the entire package that is you.”

Open Doors with Acceptance
People in a good relationship are influenced by each other subtly over time. In fact one of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship is each person’s ability to have an impact on the other. It has been noted anecdotally that often couples even start to resemble each other after a while.
A woman I know started out married life as a person who took social obligations very seriously. If you were invited you went. Her husband was much less socially inclined and always looked for excuses not to attend simchahs dinners and the like. “Who needs us there?” he would ask. They each felt strongly about their position.
But over time wanting to please each other he became more amenable to attending functions and she realized that in the complicated world in which we live you cannot attend everything you’re invited to as sometimes there are more pressing priorities. Now whenever they go to a simchah together he quips “I told you from the beginning I’m never sorry when I attend a simchah!”
There are often areas in which one spouse feels that it is very important to influence the other. The wife of a man who is always late and as a result is held back at his job keenly wants to influence her husband to be more punctual. But judgment precludes the ability to influence. When a person feels judged a barrier is erected that effectively prevents what you want to give from being received.
Judgment closes doors acceptance opens them. Speak with any of our disaffected youth who have found their way back to the fold and you’ll find that whomever was instrumental in their journey home accepted them completely even if that included multicolor hair and assorted body art.
Letting go of the need to judge is challenging for many reasons not the least of which is that much of our thinking is habitual and if you’ve been in the habit of judging everything that flits across your radar screen for as long as you can remember it will take some effort to reverse that pattern.

Is He Me?
Another challenge to relinquishing judgment is that we often feel our spouse’s conduct reflects badly on us. Since we are a “we ” if he doesn’t measure up it feels like a reflection on me. What does it say about me that I chose a husband who doesn’t have good social skills or doesn’t go to minyan or doesn’t want to attend the father/son Melaveh Malkah or doesn’t remember my birthday?
The answer is that it doesn’t say anything about you. Bechirah free choice is the most personal thing in the world. It is something we can only do for ourselves and never for another person. In the end we will give an accounting only for what we ourselves did and didn’t do in This World.
Judging negatively or judging when we have no business doing so always has negative consequences. The interesting thing is that we are usually so convinced that our viewpoint is accurate we hardly entertain the thought that our perception could be wrong.
The Purim story is an excellent case in point. The Talmud (Megillah 12) relates that the Jews of Shushan accused Mordechai of being the cause of Haman’s decree to annihilate them. They saw clearly that everything pointed to Mordechai’s guilt. “Who told him to stand in Haman’s path and not bow down?” they wanted to know.
The Maharal explains that Mordechai could have taken a different route to the palace and thereby avoided Haman but he chose not to. The Jews judged Mordechai guilty of causing the decree since he antagonized Haman. Ironically the decree had been triggered by their actions when they attended Achashveirosh’s party and the “judges” were themselves the guilty parties.
Being sure that our perception of a situation or a person is accurate is no guarantee that it is. So many times we judge a situation negatively based on a faulty view of reality but we aren’t seeing the real picture. A person who seeks truth will judge favorably or perhaps suspend judgment altogether as he appreciates that there’s only one true Judge.

Rebbetzin Debbie Greenblatt is a senior lecturer for the Gateways organization and a teacher for over 30 years of both observant and not-yet-observant Jewish women. Debbie’s lecture topics include Jewish texts Jewish thought and relationships.