It is so hard to continue to witness the pain the deep pain of your victims. Boys like Shloime whom you consider a loser. You say “Look at his clothes! His jokes aren’t funny he doesn’t know how to learn.” Or the girl you roll your eyes about: “Poor Rivkie she just doesn’t get it — the way she dresses or talks.” Her very existence seems to offend you.
And you have the power. You are strong perhaps physically certainly emotionally. You’re the one the others look to for approval. If you find someone acceptable he is. And if you say he’s not he’s not. The other boys are afraid of you can’t stand up to you and although they know deep down that this is wrong they still go along with you.
Oh yes you have the power to break your victim’s spirit to break his confidence and belief in himself. I have seen the broken pieces. I know that perhaps this is not your intent but this is what happens.
And you have the power to instill dread a literal dread of coming to school or to shul. And you have the power to change the life of a human being. From a trusting happy individual to one who is fearful and sad. And at times the pain of being bullied can lead one down the road of disconnection from the community and from Hashem.
You say “Oh what’s the big deal? Everyone goes through it. Be a man grow up it’s just a joke.” “I’m doing her a favor she has to know that she doesn’t fit in.” “I’m doing it to teach him kavod haTorah good middos to teach him his place.” So you push him around physically or verbally thinking you know what’s best for him.… But you don’t.
I have seen the terrible pain and I know that it’s not a joke it’s not funny. It is deadly serious with consequences that can last a lifetime.
I also know that in your essence you are not an achzar (a cruel person). I know that you are part of the nation defined by the middah of being rachmanim bnei rachmanim and you too are a rachaman.
So I am sad for you as well stuck in a cycle that is so foreign to who you really are. Perhaps a sibling parent or teacher has treated you the way you treat others. And in order to cope with the pain humiliation or fear you may have become hardened acting like you don’t care even convincing yourself that it’s no big deal.
But it is a big deal and you do care. And inside deep inside the pain and the rage are unresolved and just sit there until they burst forth. Do not misunderstand me. The fact that you’ve been hurt and have suffered doesn’t change the reality that it is not okay to continue this way.
Maybe you’re wondering what you can do. First STOP. If you feel you can’t you must get help. Now talk to your parents or your friends speak to your rebbi morah or rav. If the person you talk to tells you “Don’t worry about it it’s not so bad ” don’t believe him. They are trying to be kind but they’re mistaken. In order to change you must know that it is unacceptable. You must commit to stopping these behaviors once and for all. It may be necessary to talk to a therapist to begin the hard work of change.
Second please be courageous and ask forgiveness from your victim. Do not wait until Yom Kippur — do it now. Asking forgiveness has many benefits: It’s an integral part of teshuvah and it helps heal the hurt person. But more than that it helps you in a powerful way it helps you change your behavior and begins the process of your own healing.
Third know that you are gifted. Hashem has given you a gift in your personality. Your charisma your ability to influence others is an incredible gift from Hashem and like all gifts from Hashem it comes with the achrayus to use it in a Torah way in Hashem’s ways of kindness and compassion. You have the power to make a difference to affect the lives of other human beings.
Although I’ve seen the pain of the victims I have also witnessed the extraordinary impact of someone just like you changing transforming into someone who uses his power to protect reach out and to create an atmosphere of mutual respect among peers. When this happens it’s breathtaking. Going from bully to brachah is a life-changing wondrous experience bringing joy to everyone you know. Especially you. —