What price do we pay for uncensored expression of emotion?

“I don’t believe in all these classes where they tell you that you should never get mad at your husband or kids. I am a hotheaded person — I get emotional — but my family knows I love them. Why do I have to try to turn myself into someone else?”
These days everyone seems to be taking classes on parenting marriage and communication. We recognize that what we say and do has an impact on our loved ones and we want to do the best we can. But does this mean we have to change our innate personalities? Some of us are quieter by nature and others are far more outspoken and dramatic. Who says that one way is better than another?
“Yes I yell at my kids. But we all love each other and no one seems to be harmed by it. I don’t believe my kids will suffer if I get upset at them. It’s just my style and they know that.”
Parents and spouses who are consistently negative offering a steady supply of anger threats and criticism are sure to damage their relationships and the people they live with. Fortunately it is relatively rare to find people who do not blend some kindness humor and love into their family communication. So what’s the harm in displaying some intense negative emotion when it is experienced?
“Am I supposed to be a phony in my own home? I have to do that at work all day and that’s enough! When I come home I want to be myself. I don’t always feel like smiling and giving everyone sugary sweetness. I’m tired! I get irritated if people don’t do what they’re supposed to do and I let them know it. And why shouldn’t I? Isn’t it important for people to know when you’re not happy with them?”
No Hurting Allowed
While it’s true that we like to “be ourselves” at home it’s also true that we never have a right to hurt other people. This statement is not derived from the latest psychological theory. Rather it comes directly from Torah which states “Lo sonu ish es amiso” (Vayikra 25:17) meaning “do not aggrieve one another.”
The commentators explain that this means we should not hurt anyone with our words facial expression tone of voice or actions — and that “anyone” includes first and foremost our spouse and children. The Chazon Ish states that we are prohibited even from hurting someone for a moment!
Moreover our Sages stipulate that the transgression occurs even when we hurt someone accidentally (just as a fire burns a forest whether it was set on purpose or not) and even when we do so in private. We are admonished to think ahead before speaking and consider whether our remarks might cause anyone pain.
Obviously the bar is set very high and we may not wish to jump it when we are expressing ourselves. We may feel limited and constrained by it for indeed we are. We are not allowed to just say it the way we feel it if doing so will cause another person a moment of pain.
On the other hand most of us appreciate this standard when we are on the receiving end of a communication. While Hashem has not given us the right to express ourselves in any way we want He has given us the right to have our feelings
respected by others.
Beneath the surface
“I don’t think anyone in my family is hurt when I yell at them. My children don’t even seem to be listening to me and my husband yells even more than I do. None of us is crushed.”
Keep in mind that many people do not show their hurt in the moment. Some will never express it at all even if they feel it in their heart. You may see it in their behavior years down the line (in the form of acting out withdrawal various stress reactions or other reactions). Not seeing it doesn’t mean that hurt didn’t occur.
Indeed since no one (including you) likes being yelled at you can more safely assume that some discomfort did occur. Perhaps just in case it would be better to err on the side of safety. If you always express yourself kindly and respectfully you can be pretty sure that no one will be hurt.