Deep in the soil the love and nurturing we plant in our children take root

Tu B’Shevat is a time to honor the process of growth. Standing beneath a giant tree it is hard to fathom how it reached such magnificent heights from its humble beginnings as a tiny seed. The lesson for us is profound: Never underestimate a seed.

Our daughter is 15 years old. She was an easy child but when she hit the preteen years she became very rebellious. Now there are daily fights and arguments. She chooses friends we don’t approve of she lies. It’s like her personality has completely changed; we don’t know what happened to our sweet little girl.

As they grow children sometimes become unrecognizable to their parents. There are many possible contributing factors to this phenomenon. Sometimes a child’s developmental experiences whether at school or at home change her. Other times rejection failure or emotional pain can impact a child’s personality in ways that are more likely to show up later rather than at the time of the wounding.

However it’s not always external experiences that cause personality change. Sometimes unfolding genetic factors play the major role. Negative or anxious emotional tendencies may escalate with age. Although hints of them may have been present since infancy or toddlerhood their full impact may not be seen until the child is much older. The interplay between inherited nature developmental stage and life history is what results in the change that parents may see in the adolescent period.

At three Avi had lots of fears and an aggressive nature which his parents saw as normal for his age. However by eight Avi was much the same and his parents began to see these characteristics as being part of who Avi was. Nonetheless Avi was intimidated by parental authority and could easily be managed at home and school.

By 13 Avi’s tendency to argue with his parents — particularly his father — was resulting in more and more upset at home. Avi’s father did not handle the confrontation well — he yelled insulted and even hit Avi on occasion. By 14 Avi was no longer talking to his father and was barely civil to his mother.

This reaction though not in any way acceptable was understandable given the combination of adverse life events (in this case rejection and harsh discipline) combined with Avi’s inborn emotional vulnerability. Had Avi had more hardy genes it is possible that his father’s parenting style would not have led to so much personal and behavioral damage.

Beginning Again

When parents see the bond between themselves and their child thinning to what looks like a point of no return it is time to begin again. Perhaps they don’t know exactly what made the child turn away from them but they do know one thing for sure: A child always always needs his parents’ love and approval. When the child turns away it means he has given up on receiving what he needs.

Yes the child’s own behavior has been a big part of the relationship’s downfall but the child cannot be held responsible for the healing and repair that must occur. A troubled child is unable to “fix” himself or his relationships. He needs healthy parents to take the lead.

Parents cannot make the child’s pain and turmoil just disappear. They can however change the background in which the child lives the soil in which he grows. Through conscious effort and extreme self-control parents can offer a therapeutic level — not necessarily a natural level — of calm positivity. Removal of anger disapproval and negativity will help create an emotionally safe environment in which a disturbed youngster can begin to heal.

No matter how hard or how often a child tries to create drama and negativity parents can resist saying without words “We love you and don’t want to play that game anymore.” Laughter patience kindness — all of these are potent medicines that parents can provide for their child’s wounded heart. With time the seed of love will take root and grow.

Like all seeds it may lie dormant under the hardened earth for quite a while before it sprouts. And when it sprouts it may take another while for it to grow strong and blossom. Sometimes outside help is also needed to ensure healthy development but the seed remains the foundation of the project. Plant the seed of love nurture it with the soil of positive energies protect it from negative elements; it will grow.