“I had to get a book from the secular library today ” our visitor told my husband and me. “I’ve never been in that area before not in this town at least. The library was inside a big public school. Wow I hadn’t seen steps like that since 6^th grade.

“Kind of worn and gray and wide.

“When I went in the hall was completely empty except for two janitors.

“One janitor was young and kind of scary looking and the other had a ponytail. He was the one who pointed me in the direction of the library. Kind of cold and callous like but informative. That’s not the way our janitor was in public school.

“Our janitor was old and he had keys. Lots of keys jangling from his belt. And he had a lot of honor about him like he himself ran and owned the school.

“These janitors the 2013 janitors didn’t have that feeling about them. They kind of had this I’m here for exactly four more hours and I can’t wait to get out of here feeling.

“I remember our janitor’s room. It was the treat of the day if the teacher sent you to the janitor’s room to get something. The janitor always took our requests very seriously. He’d search shelves filled with more stuff than you’d ever seen and somehow pull out that exact thing you needed.

“He never really smiled but you got the idea he was happy.

“So today at the school there was this big field outside with boys playing soccer. The field was fake grass but the way the sun shone on the field and the sound of someone having tangible goals even for the moment woke up something inside of me that I haven’t felt since 9^th grade when I was out there captain of the football team. Running and running. Push-ups. We even went to bed on time.

“And now I’m dressed like my great-great-grandfather dressed inEurope. And I learn Torah and daven and worry about what G-d wants from me all day. While there behind the fence of the school boys run free. In the sun on fields of the greenest grass I’ve ever seen.

“And I wanted to run onto that field and kick that ball but I’d probably last about one and a half minutes. So I walked by my head toward the ground and not because I’m sad just because that’s the way I’ve learned to walk that’s the way Torah’s taught me: Be humble.

“But something inside me yearned just for a moment or two to be there. But after I passed the field I realized how empty it always was. How after the game after we left the locker room I was alone and empty.

“And that’s all there was the game. And that was never enough. And I started to wonder how I ever made it through those fake green grass days. All the hurt and the emptiness suddenly superimposed itself over the sunny soccer field. And I remembered what it felt like to be a body without a soul.

“Anyway in the library people were grabbing books. Piles and piles of books but they had no meaning just the same sad empty hanging endings.

“I looked in the children’s section to see what they were reading.

“A whole book about a dog. Another about a pirate. And when I opened up Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul the first thing I read was about a girl going to a party even though her mother told her not to.

“And I kept thinking I’d like to write a book describing the emptiness. Just empathizing not preaching or pointing fingers. Because the people checking out stacks of books looked so haggard and tired and empty. And I know those books will never fill their hunger or quench their thirst.

“That picture of the boys on the sunny field passing the ball. It follows me. And I want to be there just for a minute.

“But it’s a lie.

“The sun goes down at 5:00 in the winter. Then it’s cold and dark.

“And all that’s left is the fake green grass.”