So, I made sure to get happy again. I partied with Gitty and Chaya, we turned up the music, and had a blast waltzing to it. We bought delectable food and went on major shopping sprees. Mainly we partied in Chaya’s house; I think her mother allowed it because she called it “Shana therapy.” Which it was really, in a way.

It allowed me to push all the dark, depressing, angry thoughts down, down, down, to the bottom of my system. So that I could feel happy again.

So, I’m happy now. And the parties and shtick of Adar will serve to make me even happier. Okay? So there! Who needs that other type of happiness — that thing called inner, calming simchah?

I scowl at the water fountain as though daring it to disagree.

It is silent. I must be nuts. I wonder if I’m the first one to ever talk to this water fountain, or if this school has had other weird characters before me. It’s not gonna tell me, is it?

“I am happy enough,” I hiss at it.

It is still silent.

Oh okay… okay…. okay! Who am I kidding? Of course, I’d love to have real, inner joy, to be really content. But in my situation, it’s just not possible, so the type of happiness I have already will just have to do. There is no way I can get better than that. And Adar’s fun will help me be as happy as I can be.

I don’t know how long I continue to stand there next to the water fountain, but it must be quite a while, because suddenly the classroom door opens, and Mrs. T. comes out. As she walks past me, she stops and says, “It’s a shame you missed the rest of the class, Shana. I think you would’ve liked it.”

I shrug.

“I explained how our connection to Hashem can bring us true joy, whatever our situation.”

Did she just say, “whatever our situation”? She has no idea, no idea, what I go through every day. Still, I start to regret staying outside.

Mrs. T. gives me a piercing look. It takes a lot of my acting-cool-whatever-I’m-feeling talent to shrug nonchalantly a second time.

“If you want, you can come with me now, and I’ll help you catch up,” Mrs. T. says.

I almost snort. Me? Go talk to a teacher? I squint, and shrug again.

Eventually she walks on, but not before adding, “I’m here for you. Come talk to me when you feel ready.”

Ha! That I’m not doing. No way! I’m just fine as I am, thank you, without having a DMC with a teacher. But I think I’ll ask Gitty for her notes. Our connection with Hashem can bring us true joy. That does sound interesting. Gitty’s notes are usually extremely brief but pretty good.

When I stroll back into the classroom, Chaya rushes over. “You okay?” she asks.

I nod. “Needed some water and air,” I say. “Did I miss anything?”

Chaya shrugs. “Best lesson she’s given so far.” She gestures towards Gitty. “Check out Gitty’s notes. Mine are non-existent, as usual.” She grins, mock-wags a finger at herself.

I force a smile and wag a finger at her too. A couple of minutes later, I settle down in the corner with an apple and Gitty’s binder.

-Get inner happiness in Adar. Not from parties, shtick etc.

Ok, that part I was there for.

-Anyone can do this by bringing Hashem into their lives.

I raise my eyebrows. What does that mean?

-Takes time and a real desire to do so.

-Say many times – Hashem loves me.

Hashem loves me, I say silently, in between bites of my apple. Hashem loves me. Even as a little voice inside says, “Really?” something inside me shifts, feels good. Like I’m in touch with something real inside me for the first time in a very long time. “Hashem loves me.”

-Involve Him in small things as well as the big.

-Ask Him for help with homework, important phone-calls, chores etc.

-Thank Him when things go well.

-May be hard at the beginning. Make it a habit.

Could I do that? Would it even help? What does this have to with happiness, anyway?

-When Hashem is part of your world, you can attain a calm, inner happiness.

I fidget in my seat, try to ignore the chatter around me, crunch on my apple some more. This concept is foreign to me. I mean, of course I know Hashem exists and I daven every day, but to talk to Him? That He should really be an important part of my life? That He’s real? Um, I mean, I know He’s real, but…

-You will truly feel that the One Who desires your good is holding you always.

I turn over the page to continue reading, but Gitty’s notes have ended. Sometimes I wish she would write a little less concisely, but I’ve gotten the gist of the lesson.

This is too hard for me; I’m not cut out for this. Got to put on the music and dance — that will make me happy enough, like it has until now.

Or will it?

I think of my conversation with the water fountain.

Oh, okay, I admit it: my current state of happiness leaves much to be desired. I thought feeling happier wasn’t possible in my upside-down life, but if there’s even the slightest possibility that I can develop that inner joy, it makes sense to at least try, right?

And there’s no time like the present.

I wrap my apple core in a tissue but before I get up to put it in the garbage, I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

“Please Hashem,” I mouth silently, the words tasting too strange on my lips. “Help me succeed. Help me make You a true part of my life, help me find true simchah.”

(Originally featured in Teen Pages, Issue 66)