If there aren’t enough societal problems? We make ’em up. Here, our columnists tackle some of the most pressing issues of the day

At Mishpacha, we’re all about telling you how to lead your lives, solve your problems, and mitigate crises in the frum world. And if there aren’t enough societal problems? We make ’em up. Here, our columnists tackle some of the most pressing issues of the day

After living in a basement apartment for years, we just bought our dream home! I’m so excited to host our family for Purim; it’ll be amazing to finally be the hosts instead of the perpetual guests, staggering in from the car, covered in graham cracker crumbs and apple juice.

My kids are so excited for their cousins to trash the rooms I just finished cleaning for my sisters-in-law, I’ve been stocking my freezer for weeks, and I want to show my dining room off to its best advantage by setting it up beautifully.

I plan to copy the amazing “Forest Fairy Tale Tea Party” tablescape you featured, and have already purchased all of the artificial moss, willow branches, and chirping canaries that I need. My only question is how many inches I should allot per person. I’m not sure how much space the tree stumps will take up, and I want to know if we’ll all fit into the dining room, or if I should extend the tables into the living room.

Esther Kurtz responds:

Ugh, all your plans sound terrible. People are horrible, family is annoying, and I can’t imagine anything more awful than needing to host so many people at the same time.

You’ll need to call them before the party, talk to them the day of the party, and then probably deal with the hungover ones the day after the party. I’m sure life could get worse, but I’m not sure how.

Luckily it’s not too late — let them all know now that you’re so sorry to tell them this, but unfortunately something unexpected came up and you had to move to Alaska. Then draw your blinds and celebrate Purim the way it was meant to be celebrated: alone.

(P.S. When I say to tell them about Alaska, I obviously mean by text. If Hashem had wanted us to talk on the phone, He would have created us with receivers implanted next to our ears.)

Hi! I looooove the man-riding-an-elephant costume you featured in your DIY costumes article. It’s so creative, and since I started in Kislev, I should have the time to finish every one of its 1,437 steps. But I was wondering, do you think I should sew or just use a glue gun to connect the pieces of felt? I’ll have a new theme next year so I don’t need this to last forever.

Leah Gebber responds:

1437, Transylvania.

Another drop falls into the bucket, ripples outward, and the water surface bubbles precariously close to the top of the bucket.

Drip. My eyes dart upward, tracing the path the small droplet had taken, and I once again see the jagged hole in the meticulously researched material used to craft roofs of our time, whatever that is.

Beside me, Mama sighs as she plies her needle, up and down, in and out, through the much-mended fabric of Leibele’s trousers. But I have had enough of her sighing, so I rise to stir the soup, pulling my shawl tighter about me as I stand. There is no money for kindling, but at least we have some old onions and potatoes to make the broth that must suffice as our breakfast, lunch, and supper. Tablescapes will not be invented for another 500 years, and so we must eat upon splintering boards.

Mama sighs again. Psychology will not be invented for another 200 years, but even without the term’s official definition in any textbook, this woman is as passive-aggressive as they come.