True Story

Husband: I’m afraid to say anything to you.

Wife: What??? What are you afraid of? Why didn’t you ever say anything before? I’m not a mind reader you know! If there’s something you want to say just say it for goodness sake! You never tell me anything. I have to try and guess what you’re thinking and you know what? I’m tired of it! Why do I have to do all the work in this relationship? I know you talk to everyone else. You tell your brother everything. But when it comes to me to us — to our marriage — you just take the easy way out. And then you make it seem like it’s all my fault! Well let me tell you something: this is about you not me. You’re a coward that’s what!

Husband: It’s not that it’s just that —

Wife: Yes it is that and I’ll tell you how I know. It’s because you just want everything to be nice and easy like your parents have it. Well let me tell you something — I don’t want your parents’ marriage! I believe in honesty and openness and communication! We have to communicate! So what if we get emotional? My family is very emotional but we all love each other and my parents have a great marriage because they’re willing to fight if they have to. They’re not dishonest like you and your parents are keeping everything inside and thinking horrible thoughts. I can’t believe how phony you all are.

Husband: But conflict is —

Wife: Conflict is what — bad? You think it’s bad right? Because that’s how you grew up but that isn’t the truth. Conflict clears the air. It shakes out the bad feelings. It’s good for a marriage. People have to be free to say what’s on their minds. I need to be able to express myself! That’s the only way we can develop our relationship and really get to know each other. And let me tell you something ...

And then the husband packed his suitcase and left. The end.

The Challenge of Communication

Many people think that they’re communicating when they’re speaking. Spouses talk at each other sharing or shouting their message in the hopes of being understood and received. Parents talk at their children hoping to ram the rules of life down their throats by virtue of endless repetition. So much talking. So little communication.

The truth is that communication is about listening and acknowledging. There’s very little talking involved. When we listen and acknowledge our loved ones magical things happen. They feel acknowledged important and cared for. Most of all they feel connected to us. Our act of listening creates a relationship with our family members. Without listening each person lives in the house alone. Without listening there is alienation and disconnection emptiness and isolation. Without listening there is nothing.

Try It Again

Husband: I’m afraid to say anything to you.

Wife: Why?

Husband: Because you don’t let me finish my thoughts and even if I do get to say something you discount it or get upset by it.

Wife: I didn’t realize I was doing that. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be a better listener.

Husband and wife live happily ever after.

Communication Tools

Here are some simple communication tools to help build connection and understanding:

• Listen more than you speak.
• Speak in short sentences followed by long pauses.
• When the other person is speaking pay attention to your own breath (this helps you listen better by keeping adrenalin at bay).
• Use only kind and respectful words to make your point.
• Speak in a normal conversational tone (no loud voices).
• Speak slowly.
• Respond as if everything the other person is saying is true.
• Never try to change the other person’s point of view (it will often change on its own after you acknowledge and accept it).

In order to master the skills involved in communication you might want to pick just one of the above ideas each week and practice using it until it becomes easy and “natural.” The more skills you acquire the more you will find that love and harmony flourish within your family and your home.

Sarah Chana Radcliffe is the author of Make Yourself at Home: Family Life as a Key to Personal Growth (Menucha Publishers).