Last week I argued that when it comes to raising children and particularly when it comes to dealing with children who have begun to stray from the path of Torah there is no one blanket method for all cases because every child is a world unto himself and likewise so is every parent. What was true and authentic for one parent may come across as contrived for another and the child will intuitively see through the sham.

But there is one method that can be applied in every case because it makes use of the inherent power of the individual situation. Shlomo HaMelech the wisest of men taught us the secret:

“As in water a face reflects a face so is the heart of man to man” (Mishlei 27:19).

Before we examine the solution let us clarify the problem: Parents may be equipped with plenty of good skills and advice on how to conduct a conversation but for all our savvy and all our efforts to be considerate in our hearts we might blame our child and harbor anger or resentment toward him. We might feel we’ve done all a parent should do for a child. We’ve given him the best education. Our love and self-sacrifice has known no bounds. And therefore we relay to him that he has free choice and must take full responsibility for his rebellion blaming no one else — not his parents not the yeshivah not the mashgiach or the morah. We let him know that his downslide is nobody’s fault but his own. We the victimized parents are willing to lend a helping hand but the task is his. Our stance remains firm because after all we’re on the side of G‑d the Torah and the truth and so obviously nothing about us needs to change. This is how we as parents or educators usually view ourselves in such a face-off with our kids and perhaps it’s one reason the successes are so few and the crisis so widespread.

But Shlomo HaMelech takes a totally different stance: He wants us —  not the wayward  child but us — to have a change of heart. Not that the child’s waywardness is necessraily our fault but the painful situation should signal to us that perhaps there is a certain flaw in our own heart as well and it has something to do with our child’s rebellion.  

Both the Vilna Gaon and the Ohr HaChaim among other commentators reveal the amazing secret of this pasuk: a person has the power to effect a change in another person’s heart by shifting his own attitude toward that person.

In his peirush on the Torah the Ohr HaChaim uses this pasuk to explain the verse in Shemos describing Moshe Rabbeinus’s relationship with HaKadosh Baruch Hu:

“The words ‘as a man speaks to his friend’ may be explained by way of the pasuk ‘As in water where a face reflects a face so is the heart of a man to a man ’ meaning that human hearts will discern what is hidden and know whether to love or to hate for according to the way a man readies his heart to love his friend likewise his friend’s heart will think to love him…It is human nature that when one person realizes how he feels about another the other person recognizes this for hearts tell hidden secrets as is said ‘As in water where a face reflects a face so is the heart of a man to a man.’”

In the same vein the Vilna Gaon explains (in his commentary on Mishlei):

“As in water where a face reflects a face — like water that shows a person’s face as he shows himself to the water. If he twists his face the water will look that way too. So is the heart of a man to a man — if one’s heart is well-disposed toward another person that person will be well-disposed toward him even if he doesn’t know what is in his heart.”

On the other hand says the Gaon “…One who thinks evil thoughts in his heart and does not reveal them outwardly even though no one knows what is in his heart he will be hated for ‘As in water where a face reflects a face…’”

The implication is clear: in any interpersonal conflict we can address the problem at its root by working on our inner selves before making demands of the other. As the Baal Shem Tov teaches the other is our mirror. If a person with a clean face looks into a mirror he’ll see a clean face but if he sees stains that means his face is dirty. In other words flaws that we notice in others reflect our own flaws indicating what we ourselves need to correct. If we sense a lack of reverence for Torah and mitzvos in our child our first response should be to search deeply within ourselves for a flaw of that nature. If we feel he hates us let’s search our thoughts — aren’t we harboring some trace of hatred toward him? We can actually change others by changing ourselves.

Rivkah Imeinu knew this secret and she taught it to Yaakov when he fled to Charan to escape Eisav’s sword. She told Yaakov “And now my son heed my voice and arise; flee for your own sake to my brother Lavan in Charan. And you shall dwell with him for a few days until your brother's wrath has subsided. Until your brother's rage subsides from you…” (Bereishis 27:44-45).

Many commentators have questioned the repetitious language in this pasuk: why “until your brother’s wrath has subsided” and again “Until your brother's rage subsides from you”? According to our principle Rivkah is telling Yaakov that once he succeeds in rising above his hatred for Eisav and brings love for his brother into his heart then reciprocal love for Yaakov will surely enter Eisav’s heart as well. And so we may read “When will your brother’s wrath subside? When your brother’s rage subsides from you ” when you no longer hate him. This helps us understand the dots above the word “And he kissed him ” (when the two finally met again) – he kissed Yaakov with all his heart for Yaakov had caused reciprocal love to enter Eisav’s heart; and Eisav no longer actualized his original evil plan.

Rav Shlomo Wolbe ztz”l refers to the Baal Shem Tov’s “mirror principle” as the “magic lantern” a psychological projector that looks at others and shines on the very flaw that requires repair within ourselves. Part of the magic is that we can use this lantern to cast a positive beautiful glow on the world around us and free ourselves from bitterness and constant blaming. “Perhaps” writes Rav Wolbe “this is the immediate reward of self-knowledge that we learn not to blame others and to recognize our own flaws from what we tend to denigrate in those around us”(Alei Shur vol. I p.162).

In fact the powerful popular modern tool of guided imagery can be used to apply the principle. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov attributes the ability to literally turn over relationships with it. And there is a famous story regarding a butcher who wanted to kill the Chasam Sofer yet by changing his attitude toward a butcher the Chasam Sofer actually brought the man to come and beg his forgiveness him the Chasam Sofer brought the man to come and beg his forgiveness. In another story Rav Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld – the rav of Yerushalayim -- achieved a similar result when a group of secular Zionists enraged because he’d spoken against their movement confronted him in his home and threatened him with a gun. After a few tense moments the assailants retreated leaving the Rav unharmed. Both of these gedolei Yisrael attributed their salvation to the “magic” of “As in water a face reflects a face…”

I once received a copy of a long letter written by a rosh yeshivah whose own son had been spit out of the system. Only when he put this principle into practice and began to work on the flaws within himself that played a role in the friction with his son did he see radical improvement: the boy returned home of his own accord.

It isn’t only rabbanim and ba’alei mussar who attribute major success to this positive replacement attitude. In recent times scientists in the secular world have also discovered its great potential. The American armed forces are even experimenting with transmitting orders to soldiers through a metaphysical science called synthetic telepathy.

Imagine we have in our own hands a powerful transformative tool for bringing our wayward child to a change of heart without a confrontation and for bringing peace and goodwill to everyone around us. We just need to shine the lantern.

Food for Thought

If a person can’t find merit for his fellowman it’s an indication that he’s deficient in love for his fellowman. The proof is that he has no trouble finding merit for himself in every deed he does.

(Michtav Me’Eliyahu)