Don’t assume everyone else’s marriage is better than yours. Reality may be very different

“Everyone thinks we’re a perfect couple. They have no idea how bad our relationship is.”

Most of us are clever enough not to make fools of ourselves in public. We’re not going to appear in public with nasty scowls on our faces nor are we likely to tell our spouse off in front of guests. Instead we‘ll plaster a smile upon our faces and act in our usual charming manner even if only minutes beforehand we were hurling vile insults at each other. This leaves onlookers with the distinct impression that we’re blissfully married.

Oddly enough we also assume that others are constantly happy when they look nice together in public settings. We ought to know that they probably have their ups and downs. They may even have more downs than ups!

Marriage on Shifting Grounds

Marriage isn’t simple because people are complicated. Two complicated human beings living together with their complicated children present interesting often challenging dynamics. Some people in the family get along better with each other than others. There may be various alliances. There may be some alienation. Things constantly change with the personal evolution of each family member.

No one stays the same age for more than a day or so; everyone’s needs are constantly shifting. Parents adjust to new and constantly growing responsibilities. Business is good and bad and in-between. Family matters are smooth and difficult. Babies toddlers school kids and teens — everything changes again and again.

Children leave home for schooling. Others get married. Some still need play dates. The grownups live through it all learning changing growing through triumphs and losses joys and sufferings. Does a marriage remain steady and stable through all this? No.

Look Again

Some people think that others have it so much easier.

I look around and I see plenty of good marriages. I’m jealous. Why do I have to have it so hard?

Chazal wisely advise us to look at those who have less than we do. There will also be people who have more but focusing attention on them causes only pain. By looking at those who have less we help ourselves enjoy all that we have been given.

Does it seem to you that other people have happier families and better marriages than yours? It’s quite likely that some people find their relationships to be easier and more pleasant than you find yours to be. Of course you’ll never really know who those people are. When a couple divorces many people say things like “I can’t believe it! They are the last people I would ever have thought would divorce!” This is because none of us can look into the private hearts of other people’s marriages and homes. If you had X-ray vision and could see into the hearts of homes you’d find plenty of sadness loneliness resentment and other forms of bitter suffering. Just because people don’t confide in you doesn’t mean that they aren’t carrying buckets of personal grief.

In short your own struggles are unlikely to be unique. The majority of committed strong marriages have their share of emotional hardship no matter what things look like on the surface.

Be Prepared

People handle stress better when they are prepared for it. The doctor will explain what’s going to happen during the healing process to help prevent unnecessary alarm and facilitate a positive attitude. Raising a toddler? Learn about the “terrible two’s” so that you can put your child’s behavior in context and respond appropriately.

Getting married? Understand that there are challenges to be met and effective ways to meet them. Don’t let anyone tell you that “things will just work out.” Don’t imagine for a moment that couples maintain the happiness of their wedding day indefinitely. Instead be aware that miscommunication and poor communication happen and require correction and frequent repair. Know that there will likely be unpleasant surprises and probably some serious disappointments; be ready to negotiate those difficulties.

It’s not safe to assume that things will automatically get easier but it is safe to assume that your hard work will pay off in numerous ways. Keep in mind that the outcome of efforts is always up to Hashem.

Finally instead of looking at other people’s marriages be determined to look for and find the good in your own marriage. That is where it is.