Reviving a marriage may require believing in the seemingly impossible

The elderly gentleman (Mr. Y.) introduced himself to me as a Holocaust survivor. “My family just published my memoirs” he said. “You wouldn’t believe the miracles I experienced. Hashem saved me again and again.”

We talked for a few moments about his war experiences and then I asked why he had scheduled the counseling appointment. The energy drained from his face as he replied “My wife is a very stubborn woman. She’s always complaining and criticizing and yelling. It’s got to change.”

When I asked him how long he’d been married to this woman he told me they had been together for 55 years.

Endless Suffering

The problem had been going on for most of this man’s adult life. How had he survived 55 years of it?

But I also wondered: why hadn’t it been resolved decades ago? Or if it could not be resolved then why hadn’t the pain of it at least dulled somewhat over the many years? Does marital anguish and disappointment never soften or diminish? Isn’t there something that a person can do to learn to ignore it tolerate it or otherwise make peace with a less-than-satisfactory situation? And if not why not?

A Marital Lock-in

It’s hard to accept marital suffering. One reason might be righteous indignation: why give up and give in when the other person is so clearly and badly wrong? It’s not fair. It’s not right. We deserve better (at least in our own estimations).

Another reason for holding on to the battle is a natural desire to end pain. After all if someone is critical or verbally abusive to us we get hurt. It doesn’t matter how many times the insult and assault occurs it will still hurt. Even after 55 years it will still hurt. Our natural reaction is to continue to try to put an end to it despite the fact that all our previous attempts have failed.

Yet another compelling reason for standing our ground is the marital lock-in. We’re hooked into the battle the cogs in our wheels meshing perfectly with those of our spouse. It’s hard to disengage from marital warfare. This is our routine. It’s the way we are.

A New Strategy

Mr. Y. made it clear that he did not want a divorce. Through our discussion I ascertained that he had tried numerous strategies before including seeking counseling with his wife sending her for counseling alone going alone himself for counseling talking to rabbis asking other people to get involved asking his wife to make changes and more. In fact Mr. Y. had focused a lot of energy and attention on his wife’s behavior with virtually no positive results. It was clearly time for a change of strategy.

I suggested two interventions. The first one was to set a clear and firm boundary. Mr. Y. was to explain to his wife that when she raised her voice or began a barrage of criticisms he would leave the conversation and return later to try it again. I told Mr. Y. that it was essential for him to be absolutely consistent in carrying through on his word. The boundary would help stop the cycle of verbal abuse.

However the second strategy was even more important. I asked Mr. Y. if he believed in miracles. Of course he knew all about miracles. So I told him that from now on he shouldn’t think or talk about his wife’s negative behavior. When the behavior happened he should leave and return later without discussing it with his wife anyone else or even himself.

In addition he should pick two periods a day for one or two minutes each in which he should close his eyes and make an imaginary movie of the outcome that he wanted. Since Mr. Y. wanted his wife to speak to him quietly and respectfully he should picture her doing just that. Knowing that all one’s success is up to Hashem and that Hashem can make miracles happen he should then hand this picture over to Hashem with the prayer that this harmonious fantasy should become a reality very soon.

At first Mr. Y. was confused; he had spent his life complaining about his wife’s bad behavior. How could he stop talking about it now? But after acknowledging how stressful tiring and ineffective this strategy had been he decided to give the “marriage miracle” strategy a try. Faith and trust had saved his life; surely it could also save his marriage.