What do you do when the talking’s out of control?

Ten-year-old Alana talks too much. When her friends see her coming they run the other way. Family members — especially her parents — have more trouble escaping. “She doesn’t seem to have an ‘off-button’ ” Alana’s mom complains. “She talks on and on and if I dare ask her to finish her story she gets so insulted. She wants me to stop whatever I’m doing and just listen to her. In my busy life I don’t have time for that! I tell her to be briefer but it never makes a difference. Ironically if I ever try to say anything Alana is so impatient!”

Chani’s husband Dovid has a similar problem. “Dovid is a very detailed-oriented person” Chani says. “The problem is that he cares about details that no one else cares about. So he’ll start explaining something at the Shabbos table in excruciating detail without realizing that he’s the only one excited about the topic. Guests are polite of course but I’m embarrassed. He doesn’t seem to realize that he’s burdening his listeners. To top it off when guests are leaving Dovid follows them still talking while they hold the door open.”

Sixteen-year-old Chaim knows he has a talking problem. His parents have made it very clear. “They say things to me like ‘enough already!’ but I just can’t stop in the middle. I have to finish. And while it’s true that I’m saying a lot it feels to me like it’s the only way I can say what I have to.”

Chaim’s description of his own experience makes the talking problem sound like an irresistible urge to those who have it. Most likely there is a physical basis for the talking urge as mental health professionals see this problem associated with a variety of conditions. For instance many kids and adults with ADHD seem to have some version of an excessive talking condition although the behavior is not listed as a defining symptom of the disorder.

The Talking Urge

Those who have what we will call here the “talking urge” tend to share some common characteristics:

• They don’t seem to realize that people can listen only for brief periods of time.
• They don’t notice facial cues or body language that might indicate that the listener is bored or needs to leave.
• They include innumerable minor details in their speech.
• They repeat themselves.
• They find it difficult to listen to others for more than a couple of moments.
• They don’t correct the talking problem when it’s pointed out to them no matter how many times it’s pointed out.

Getting the Situation under Control

Those who have the “talking urge” don’t suffer as much as those who live with them do. Family members can be drained by the talker. They get exasperated frustrated and exhausted from the attention that is demanded of them.

Although people with the talking urge don’t tend to respond to the simple request to mend their ways they can be helped. A parent or spouse can lovingly but firmly refuse to cooperate with excessive talking. The keys to a lasting successful outcome are consistency and clarity.

To a child a parent can make a statement like “I know you have a need to talk but I have limitations on how much I can comfortably listen. From now on you can start saying whatever you want but unfortunately after X minutes I am going to have to stop listening. You can tell me more later.”

Then the parent must be true to his or her word. After X minutes the parent can sum up what the child said so far or respond to it and then just turn attention to other matters.

When dealing with a spouse there will need to be a heart-to-heart talk about the impact of the communication style and a more collaborative process of developing a mutually satisfying solution. Nonetheless respectful boundary setting is appropriate within the marital context as well.

Interestingly the Bach Flower Remedy called Heather helps diminish the need to talk excessively. Safe for children as well as adults it is given as two drops four times a day in any hot or cold liquid for as long as needed. Helping family members overcome the talking urge is also a way of helping them be more successful in all their social relationships.