“It is good for a man to carry a burden in his youth ” we are told in Eichah (3:27). Our Sages explain that this refers to taking a wife.

Do you know any wives who feel they are a burden? I sure don’t. And if their husbands perceive them that way what’s good about that?

This doesn’t only go one way. After Adam and Chavah ate from the forbidden tree in Gan Eden part of Chavah’s punishment was that her husband would rule over her (Bereishis 3:16). So she carries a burden as well.

Is this the Torah’s description of the great institution of marriage that every single dreams about? We try our best to help anyone not yet married to find their match. Are we really thinking Why should we be the only ones suffering? Let them all come join us?! I certainly hope not.

When the Torah first introduces us to the obligation to get married the stated goal is “they shall be one flesh” — unity and oneness without one over the other. How can this be reconciled with viewing marriage as a burden?

Yearning for Freedom

As I write this I’m on vacation. A few days of respite from a busy schedule during which I don’t have to be anywhere at any time. As relaxing as this is last week’s anticipation of the freedom from obligations was exquisite.

There’s a part of all of us that wants to be free: free from responsibilities the “have to’s” of our existence. Why do we all yearn to be unencumbered?

Rav Itamar Schwartz explains that the natural state of a person’s soul is to be free. The soul by definition is unlimited as it is a part of the Divine. Rav Hutner zt”l explained the thrill a person feels when doing extreme sports as the exhilaration the soul feels when it seems that it’s about to break free from the confines of the body. It’s as though it says “Yay! If he keeps this up I’m going home!” The soul wants to return to the ein sof from where it came.

The verse in Eichah says “tov lagever” it is good for a man. The word tov means “in harmony with the purpose for which it was created.” What’s the purpose about an ol a yoke and how does it relate to marriage?

There are three types of love says Rav Schwartz. We can love something similar to us (domeh) we can love something different (shoneh) and we can love something essentially (b’etzem). If I love going shopping with my friend part of my enjoyment stems from both of us enjoying the same experience (domeh). My enjoyment may be enhanced by the fact that she has better taste than I have and my wardrobe will improve through her input (shoneh).

Love of that which is similar and that which is different both result from enjoying what’s comfortable for us. Essential love however is not necessarily comfortable. If my friend asks to bring along her handicapped sister who needs not only handicap access for her wheelchair but also a lot of care and I happily agree that comes from an essential love I have for her and/or her sister.

Ol is something that we experience as difficult uncomfortable. A job that we don’t enjoy is an ol. When a person no longer adheres to the traditions of his ancestors we describe him as being poreik ol letting go of the yoke unburdening himself. We can tolerate an ol — but only up to a point.

Any relationship that is based only on what’s comfortable for us is a circumstantial one. What happens when the circumstances change? (He said he was going to learn long term and now he doesn’t want to learn at all. She agreed to move to Chicagoand now she changed her mind.) Any love that’s based on domeh or shoneh is subject to change and is therefore not essential. Since life and people are constantly in motion always changing and becoming this precludes a constant and continuous connection.

There is a deeper understanding of the concept of an ol. There is a dimension in our soul called ol. It allows us to accept someone as they are and not feel that we have to change them.

This is not comfortable. We have to accept something that we don’t like something that doesn’t necessarily synchronize with our personal taste or even our worldview. But we have the spiritual capacity to carry this burden. This leads to an ongoing connection to the person from which point we can reach essential love.

Finding Essential Love

When seeking a mate we look for qualities of domeh and shoneh with which we are comfortable. This however is only the starting point. I don’t think there was ever a marriage that didn’t contain surprises for better or worse. A person who has revealed within herself the ability to carry a burden will use those tools to move past her comfort level and eventually achieve a deeper and more lasting love.

Consider the difference between cultures where deformed babies are left to die on a mountaintop and at the other end of the spectrum parents who embrace the challenge given them. Those parents carry a great burden — only to find that their love for this very child is profound and essential sometimes superseding the love they feel for their other (less burdensome) children.

Some of the love we feel for our healthy children stems from ways they are similar or dissimilar to us which means some of that love is about us not them. When you carry the burden of the challenged child what comes through is the essential reality of who they are having nothing to do with you. Once you come to know and accept that reality you can achieve a truly selfless love a love of the other simply for who they are not how they relate to you. This is ahavas ha’etzem essential love.

The burdens we carry in relationships ultimately give expression to the freedom that our soul seeks. Yet we rebel against it thinking the obligations to and shortcomings of our spouses limit us keeping us from the freedom we so desire.

Rav Schwartz brings an analogy. A man comes home very hungry and smells a tantalizing aroma wafting from the kitchen. He asks his wife to serve him what she is cooking. “It’s bean soup” she says “and it’s only been cooking for half an hour. It isn’t edible yet.”

He demands that she serve it to him immediately. She complies. The result? He cannot eat it and she has no food to serve him later. Had he been willing to wait to carry the ol of his discomfort longer he would have had that which he was seeking.

So too in our lives and our marriages. We want what is comfortable we want our freedom and we want it all now. The goal is a good one and stems from our souls but in this world we can only get there through the limitations of our physical selves.

The positive commandments which move us forward into a deeper connection with our Creator need the backdrop of the negative commandments which limit us providing boundaries that enable the more intimate connection. We have to carry the burden of our discomfort to reach the ultimate freedom.

When we stop rebelling against the yoke we bear we can accept the reality of who our spouses are and let go of the frustration inherent in trying to change them.

Try to think of one small thing about your spouse that is not to your liking. Decide that you are going to accept this burden with equanimity and not try to change it realizing that this trait is an essential part of who they are. This ability is a spiritual capacity that exists within you. Once you’re able to do this you are on your way to the most profound love and connection that of ahavas ha’etzem — essential and enduring love.