When Buttons Get Pushed

“Like the number of the days you spied out the Land 40 days a day for a year a day for a year you shall bear your sins for 40 years.”

(Bamidbar 14:34)

The implication of this pasuk is that the Jews would suffer a year of wandering in the desert for every day they spied out the Land. This is hard to understand. Were they being punished for the act of spying per se? Their sin was speaking derogatorily about the Land; why is that related to the number of days they stayed there?

This teaches us that the meraglim’s sin of lashon hara was not in speech alone. The crux of their crime was the negative thought that brought about their slanderous words. This is always the case when a person speaks lashon hara — the essence of slander is the act of seeing or hearing that which motivates him to relate what he saw or heard. (Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz Sichos Mussar)

The spies strode through Eretz Yisrael and didn’t like what they saw — funerals shrieks of terror the stench of death. Terrifying giants made them feel like insects. High-walled cities surrounded by impenetrable fortresses. Even the fruits were bizarrely large.

This is where the words they were destined to say to an entire nation were formed. Those disheartened steps they took in Eretz Yisrael paved the way to their doom. Their terrified outlook only deepened their lack of faith.

Every additional day they spied out the Land generated and formed their lashon hara. Therefore they were punished for the days that caused the sin for as the days dragged on their sin increased. (ibid.)

People like to shed their personal responsibility until they’re no more liable than a soda machine. They only get angry when someone “pushes their buttons.” They’d never speak lashon hara unless they aren’t thinking or lost control or thought it was l’toeles …

But even a soda machine can only dispense as many cans as it contains. It makes no difference how hot or thirsty you are how much money you put in or how desperately you bang on it. If it’s empty nothing will come out.

I can choose to look at my neighbor with empathy (she’s not a great balabusta but she’s so patient with her children!); my young daughter with compassion (she didn’t mean to make a mess she just wanted to make a beautiful art project); everyone around me with patience.

This way no lashon hara or anger “pops out” even when my buttons are pushed. The physical action doesn’t just happen at that moment — it’s the result of everything within me. If my heart’s emotions are pure my actions will be pure as well.

It is impossible to observe the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim properly without harboring tremendous admiration for one’s parents. A child must make the effort to recognize certain exemplary qualities his father has perfected and view him as a gadol hador in that area! For even if he gives him food and drink rises in his honor and runs before him a child who doesn’t hold his father in high esteem in his heart hasn’t fulfilled the essential part of mitzvas kibud av v’eim. (ibid.)

And what if I’m full of repressed resentment and unresolved anger? I must go the extra mile to search for my parents’ special middos highlight their exemplary traits understand them and judge them favorably …

Ultimately my inner vessel will overflow and pour its bounty into the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim.

The mitzvah of honoring one’s friend is no different. The Mishnah says: “Value your friend’s honor as you value your own” — it is not enough to shower him with praise and external gestures of respect but rather one should genuinely respect and admire him. Just as a person will always find some praiseworthy attributes within himself he should do the same for his friend. The Jewish Nation achieves the level of “one united heart” by honoring one another. (ibid.)

Overcoming a nisayon is not only dependent on the moment of nisayon but on the thousands of moments that preceded it. Utilize them well.