Mishpacha was the one to do it..

In his recent article “Hanging By A Fringe” Shimmy Blum uncovered a wound in our educational system that no one has wanted to talk about -- or more correctly that everyone has been afraid to acknowledge. It’s a good thing then that he brought this painful topic to the attention of the public so that each one of us can introspect and see what part we might have played as parents teachers or other authority figures in creating this tragic indifference towards Torah and mitzvos among our charges despite the chareidi “cover” they maintain as youths and yes even afterwards as adults. This important article included eye-opening statements from leading educators and rabbanim and it really seemed as though there was nothing to add to what was said there.

But as I sat and learned Parshas Vayeitzei last week I found a pearl of educational wisdom that I would like to share with you as my own modest contribution to the ongoing debate on this subject.

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In the psukim of the parshah according to their interpretation by the commentators we can find a powerful formula for raising our youth. In fact the whole truth about chinuch is embedded in these psukim and they can serve as a basic model for parent-child relationships as well as the relationships between husband and wife teachers and pupils and in fact all interpersonal dealings. They encapsulate the true essence of avodas Hashem in its healthiest form. If we would adopt this approach in all aspects of our lives at all times it would not only be the key to our happiness but also an all-purpose solution for most of the chinuch problems that plague us. The only proviso of course is that we put it into practice constantly.

The Torah passage to which I refer is Bereishis 31:1-16. Rather than quote the whole passage here which you can read for yourselves I will summarize. HaKadosh Baruch Hu speaks to Yaakov telling him to leave Lavan’s house and return to Eretz Yisrael. In response Yaakov asks his two wives Rachel and Leah to come out to the field where he recounts to them the hardships he has suffered in their father’s house. At the end of his account he adds that HaKadosh Baruch Hu has commanded him to return to the land of his fathers.Yaakov’s wives also lament to him that they have long felt like strangers and foreigners in their father’s house and add that if Hashem has said to return to the land of Canaan of course he must obey.

As we peruse these psukim a weighty question practically screams out at us: Why does Yaakov need to make this whole personal confession before his wives? Hashem has given him an order — what more need be said? Likewise why do they precede their agreement to leave with a long explanation of how unhappy they’ve been in their father’s house instead of simply answering “Of course you must do what Hashem commands.” If Hashem said to leave then they must leave. What greater daas Torah could there be? Is it not obvious that they must comply with the command unquestioningly with no need for explanations?

Yet although these psukim might appear to be superfluous if we understand them properly they serve as an intensive course in methodology for maximum success in chinuch.

Let us carefully examine the words of two gedolei Yisrael who shine the light of understanding on this meeting in the field between Yaakov Avinu and his wives.

The Shlah HaKadosh writes:

“It is not proper for a man when he wants something from his household members to compel them to it by the force of his authority even though his word is law. Rather he should try to cajole them as much as possible to please him so that they should comply of their own accord. This is better than having them comply because they are forced into it. Look at how much Yaakov spoke to Rachel and Leah to persuade them to agree out of the goodness of their hearts even though HaKadosh Baruch Hu had commanded him to return to his home (Torah Shebichtav Shaar HaShamayim).

The Shlah’s words are self-explanatory. When it comes to chinuch all our energies must be devoted to inducing our charges to desire to comply of their own accord with the standards we set for them. Enticement rather than giving orders is the foundation of chinuch. Don’t hard-sell Torah and mitzvos to your charges; create an atmosphere that will make them want to buy. In parshas Bereishis we see that even HaKadosh Baruch Hu Himself when he placed Adam HaRishon in Gan Eden enticed him to enter according to Rashi. Why did He entice him? Wasn’t there already a commandment that he enter? Yes but even entering Gan Eden had to be done out of a desire on the man’s part to comply with the commandment. Even Adam HaRishon needed enticement.

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Rav Eliyah Lopian a mussar giant of the previous generation delves deeply into this topic in his sefer Lev Eliyahu and presents us with an important insight that sheds light on all the chinuch problems our own hapless generation is struggling with. Since his remarks are rather lengthy I will quote a condensed version here:

“When Yaakov Avinu called Rachel and Leah to the pasture where he was shepherding his flock to tell them he had been commanded to return to the land of Canaan he prefaced he words with a long account of how Lavan’s face was not as it had been yesterday and the day before…. And at the end he told them what was said to him ‘Now arise and go from this land and return to the land of your birth…’ They answered him similarly as it says ‘Rachel and Leah answered and they said to him ‘Do we any longer have a portion and inheritance in our father’s house? … Have we not been considered like foreigners to him for he sold us and also consumed our money but all the wealth that G-d separated from our father is ours and our children’s so now all that G-d said to you do.’ ”

Rav Lopian expands on the question we posed earlier:

“And I see a tremendously puzzling thing here. What purpose do these prefaces serve when HaKadosh Baruch Hu has issued a commandment on the matter? Rachel and Leah’s reply is particularly puzzling: ‘And they said to him ‘Do we any longer have a portion and inheritance in our father’s house? …so now all that G-d said to you do.’ The expression ‘so now’ seems to indicate that they were saying since the situation is that our father has sold us and consumed our money therefore you should do all that G-d said.

“And this is all very puzzling. Does the  word ‘now’ suggest that since we have no expectations and we are considered like foreigners to him we therefore agree that you should do what G-d said? And if circumstances had been different if Lavan had given them a dowry and they could look forward to an inheritance from him then he wouldn’t have to do what G-d said to him chas veshalom?! …How are we to understand this?

“But from here we learn one of the great fundamental principles of Divine service that a person should not say ‘True if I serve Hashem and fulfill the Torah I will have to suffer a lot and I won’t enjoy life. But it’s worthwhile making a sacrifice in This World because in the Next World it will be good. One who thinks this way is very mistaken. This is not the way to serve Hashem; rather a person is obligated and Hashem demands of him to think the matter over and come to the conclusion that if he fulfills Hashem’s will he will benefit in this world! True he will have the Next World as well. But there it is a principle that awaits him while he actually enjoys the fruits in This World. For fulfilling the Torah never brings anything bad anywhere or at any time only eternal good at all times in this world and the next.”

And there you have the formula. Fear of future punishment cannot vanquish the iPod  and its evil allures. Gehinnom is a far-off concept and the internet is here and now. The only weapon we have against the licentious atmosphere that prevails in today’s world is an alternative atmosphere in which our children experience how good the mitzvos feel right here in this world. Victory is not always guaranteed. But Yaakov Avinu taught us that this is the way. The intrinsic benefit that we derive from obeying Hashem in addition to fulfilling the mitzvah itself is guaranteed. Gratification doesn’t have to wait for Olam HaBa. May we merit to give over the message.