There’s the little guy on his bike experimenting with holding his hands in the air rather than placing them on the handlebars where they belong. He’s so proud of himself that he shouts to Mom to come see his accomplishment. “Look Ma! No hands!” And while his antics are slightly dangerous they’re also an accomplishment. He is balancing everything without the benefit of hands — just like his mother had to do during his period of infancy and just like she continues to do with every baby she’s blessed with.

Mixed Feelings

Precisely because a woman appreciates the gift of motherhood she is apt to feel guilty when she struggles during the early months of her children’s lives. Gratitude for the opportunity to care for her babies does not translate into boundless energy four extra hands and an influx of hired help. Gratitude is one thing and getting through each day is another. The former is a warm loving connection to Hashem while the latter is just plain hard.

It’s hard to cook shop clean or tend to toddlers when your hands are full of a baby. It’s hard to eat your own breakfast lunch or dinner. It’s hard to give other family members the time and attention they need to help community members to daven to take a shower. Everything is much harder. And we haven’t even mentioned the other challenges that come with baby care such as never sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time and being chronically exhausted.

And yet many women feel inadequate or just plain bad if they dare to acknowledge that they’re finding life with their baby hard. They feel alone as if they are the only ones who are struggling. They think there must be something wrong with them since “everyone else” manages to cope. It’s so unfortunate that on top of all the real difficulties that accompany the mothering of an infant women add to their own suffering by berating themselves in this way.

Self-Support

Instead of knocking themselves down mothers should be applauding themselves for managing to do so much. After all it is challenging to do everything with one hand! Almost everyone who has had the experience of working outside the home agrees that being at work is far easier than being at home — with or without a new baby on the scene.

When there is an infant around the primary caretaker is particularly challenged. Indeed when a woman with a baby manages to get through each day even in a minimal way (providing the minimum in the way of meals and household standards) she should be very pleased with herself! When the baby is older she can make fancier meals and put more effort into household management. During the infancy stage however she needs to focus on maintaining her own energy in order to be able to properly attend to the needs of a 24/7 demanding infant.

There’s nothing wrong with being kind to oneself — saying nice encouraging and appreciative words. A mother can tell herself “You’re amazing! Taking care of an infant is a huge task and yet you are managing to do that and carry on with the household/your job/the children/your marriage. Good for you!” Talking to oneself this way is actually very healthy. It can boost energy reserves reduce stress and improve functioning. Kindness can also go beyond appreciative words. Give yourself permission to replenish energy reserves regularly: “You’re getting tired. Go lie down with the baby for awhile. You can serve cottage cheese and bananas for dinner tonight.”

On the other hand when mothers hear an inner voice scolding them for failing to accomplish enough they should quickly smother it with an imaginary silencer. The scolding voice receives its fuel from the yezter hara. It leads a woman to feel so inadequate that she becomes depressed. No longer able to serve Hashem b’simchah the woman enters a cycle of dysfunction in which the normal difficulties of mothering a baby cycle out of control and the entire task becomes so overwhelming that her ability to care for herself and her family is threatened.

Self-abuse is real and it’s destructive. Due to fatigue and overwhelm mothers of infants are particularly vulnerable to it and need to be vigilant against self-criticism. Now is the time to apply “If I am not for myself who will be?” Lower the bar increase self-appreciation and abstain from harsh accusations. Be your own best friend and fan club! It’s not narcissistic; it’s necessary. If your internal “bank account” is empty you’ll have nothing to give. If however you make regular deposits of self-appreciation and self-care you’ll be able to continue to give to that baby and to everyone else who is counting on you.