Examining the source of irrational behavior allows us to regain control

Many people are familiar with the concept of being “triggered.” They’ll say things like “When he made that face at me I got really triggered and I screamed back at him” — meaning “When he made that face he really hit a nerve.” People understand that they have their hotspots their unique sensitivities that came with birth or with childhood experiences. These vulnerabilities often result in lightning-fast negative responses that are generally out of proportion to the actual event.

A “trigger” can be a purposefully hurtful communication or just an innocent comment or action but it provokes an intense irrational-looking reaction in another person. In marriage it’s good to know a spouse’s triggers and avoid them as much as possible.

Let’s take the case of a man who is triggered by the sight of dishes on the counter after 9 p.m. His wife understands his sensitivity having met his parents who live in a dirty cluttered environment. She herself doesn’t get upset when there’s a plate on the counter but she tries to respect her spouse’s sensitivity by doing what she can to make sure the kitchen is clean in the evening. She has also taught her children to respect their father’s feelings and make every effort to tidy up after their snacks. It’s no big deal — everyone cooperates.

This kind of mutual respect works well when each person has only a couple of identifiable triggers. A spouse who has too many triggers however has an emotional problem that requires professional treatment. No one should have to constantly walk on eggshells in their own home in order to avoid the triggers of another family member.

Identifying Our Own Triggers

Even if we have only one or two triggers it’s important to work on them rather than rely on the avoidance strategies of family members. Moreover we can’t blame our own outsized reactions on the triggering behavior of others. For example just because a child spoke rudely to us it doesn’t mean that we can outshout the youngster in return. Rather we need to figure out what causes us to lose control of our faculties and heal the root of the pain.

When we go into rant rage and meltdown mode we can be sure we are dealing with an emotional trigger. The theatrics are just what they look like: the raw rage of a helpless child. Now in adulthood we have many more resources and can cope with our difficulties at home at work or in the community. If we can’t then we need to acknowledge that we have been triggered and remove ourselves from the situation until our higher faculties return.

Screaming Isn’t Chinuch

Parenting triggers adults tremendously. Whenever we feel like screaming at a child — whether we act on this feeling or not — we can be sure we have been triggered. Otherwise why wouldn’t we just provide normal chinuch? After all we are professional educators hired by Hashem to gently respectfully and lovingly raise His children. The Torah abhors anger except in the most restricted circumstances (normal parenting not being one of them) and anger has no place in the process of chinuch. When we feel it which we often will we can simply use the information for our own growth and development.

I found myself unable to do homework with my seven-year-old. His mind would wander and he’d fool around — I wanted to grab him and push his nose into his book. Examining my feelings I realized that this is exactly what my father did to me. It wasn’t my rage — it was my father’s! Once I realized this I promised myself not to become that person. I’m working on becoming kind and patient when my child acts like a child.

We need to be curious about our triggered behaviors. We can ask ourselves questions like “What is a nice person like me doing behaving in a mean and uncaring way? Where did I learn this from? How old do I look sound and feel?”

The answers can help point to the source of the trouble. Often the trigger sends us back to our own dealings with parents and teachers or to long-standing feelings of inadequacy fear or helplessness. Making the connection and then reminding ourselves that we are now grown-up safe competent and smart can help disarm a trigger once and for all.