Happiness isn’t a state of being; it’s an action

Living with unhappy parents undoubtedly affects a child’s mood and long-term development. But here’s the great news: both parents and children can become happier. One way is to engage in the daily practice of positive psychology.

What Is Positive Psychology?

Positive psychology is a discipline that looks at what works for people rather than what ails them. It endeavors to establish a science of happiness that teaches people what they can do to thrive in all aspects of their lives. By following principles of positive psychology we demonstrate to our children a practical tool for serving Hashem b’simchah.

One of the major tenets of positive psychology is that there is an optimal ratio of “positivity” — the ratio of good-feeling to bad-feeling emotions. This ratio also called the Losada Line is approximately three to one. That is a person needs to feel three positive feelings for every one negative feeling in order to thrive.

Having dropped the kids off at school Tzippy settled the baby with some toys and made herself a coffee. As she stirred the sugar in she started to ruminate. “Was that the right decision about the carpet? It seemed like a good price but maybe I should have made that trip across town. Esty said I really could have done better …”

All too soon it was time to pick up Avi from nursery school. Tzippy bundled baby Asher into the stroller — she had to rush now. Was there time to drop by Shoshy’s this afternoon? “I can do it if I pick up the dry cleaning on the way back. Oh no! I forgot about the fish store — how on earth can I get there before they close?”

Tzippy felt her neck muscles tighten and worried that a headache was coming on. “It better not happen. I haven’t got time for this today.”

Tzippy’s incessant inner chatter made it hard for her to access a three-to-one ratio of positive to negative feelings. In fact her constant stress was a direct result of her “noisy brain.” Instead of living in and relishing the present moment she was always thinking about something in the past or the future. There was a chronic hum of anxiety — nothing major but just enough to quietly erode her peace of mind.

Having dropped the kids off at school Ruchie settled the baby with some toys and made her coffee. “Mmm” she murmured to herself. “I love the smell of coffee. Thank You Hashem for giving me this delicious treat!”

“You are so cute!” Ruchie cooed to her infant. The baby offered a big smile and Ruchie melted. “Who’s the luckiest mommy in the world? I’m so fortunate to be able to be home with you.”

Soon it was time to pick up Zisi from nursery. Ruchie bundled the baby into the stroller and headed out. “Wow! What a beautiful day” she exclaimed. She took deep appreciative breaths of springtime air and looked around at her friendly neighborhood. She felt deep gratitude to Hashem for filling her life with abundant blessings.

Ruchie finds it easy to maintain a three-to-one ratio or even higher. She allows herself to notice what is happening right now focusing her attention on the pleasures she discovers right in front of her. Indeed Ruchie looks for those pleasures searching for those things that feel right good and satisfying as each moment unfolds. Moreover Ruchie routinely arranges good-feeling moments for herself making sure that she does things that she enjoys (like taking a few moments to read an interesting article) but even more importantly making sure that she notices that the activity feels good.

Creating the Ratio

Happiness is an obligation. Its benefits are innumerable and its pleasures are its own reward but it is not something that happens of its own accord. Creating the three-to-one ratio is one way to make it happen. One only has to notice the beauty and joy available in the current moment or arrange — and then notice — frequent simple pleasures. Enjoying one’s meal talking to a friend gazing at a garden or vase of flowers doing an act of kindness communing with Hashem — and yes smelling the coffee — are all readily available sources of good energy.

Start literally counting your blessings as you work your way above the Losada Line. Do it out loud so your kids will learn how to do it too!