Imagine ten employees lined up in a row in alphabetical order by last name. You are their boss and at the end of every week you hand out vouchers to each one. The vouchers can be traded in for extra money or extra hours off work or various other tokens of appreciation for a week’s work well done.

With your little basket of vouchers in hand you start the ceremony. “Here’s one for you and one for you and one for you ” you say as you move down the line. Until you get to the last person in line. To this employee you say “Sorry I’ve run out. Maybe next time.”

The same scene repeats itself the next week however and the week after that and every week for months on end. The last person in line — Mrs. Zee — never receives a voucher.

The first time it happens Mrs. Zee is surprised but still optimistic. Perhaps she’ll receive double next week. After a while however she catches on. She’s never going to get her turn. Surprise turns to resentment and resentment turns to rage. One day quiet patient restrained Mrs. Zee grabs a weapon and holds it to your throat: “Give me my vouchers or I’m going to hurt you!” she screams at the top of her lungs.

An Inside Job

Now let’s imagine that you are a wife and mother. Twelve people line up in front of you to have their needs met. A part of you also stands in this line waiting for her turn. This little part of you is eager for some well-deserved rest or refreshment. As this part watches you hand out prizes to everyone ahead of her she begins to drool with anticipation.

“Here’s your favorite dinner” you say to the first person in line; “here are the new shoes you need” you say to the second. “Here are the papers you needed me to get signed” you say to the third. “Here’s a neck massage here’s a clean kitchen here’s your laundry fresh and pressed here’s a story for bedtime here’s a listening ear....”

Finally it’s her turn. She looks at you eagerly and you say to her “Sorry I haven’t got time for you. I’ll try again tomorrow.”

Unfortunately “tomorrow” never comes.

This part gives eventually. Depression hovers dangerously nearby. Rage boils beneath the surface. After 20 or 30 years of deprivation this part hisses threateningly in your ear: “If you don’t start taking care of me I’m going to hurt you.”

The Empty Tank

Many women work themselves to the bone. They take care of everyone and everything except themselves. Failing to respect their own needs and human limitations these women push themselves like cruel taskmasters forcing their bodies to work until they literally drop.

I resent my mother. She never offers me a break. Can’t she take my kids for just one morning a week? My mother-in-law is always offering to babysit so I can rest or run errands but my mother is just into herself now.

Of course she is. She hasn’t sat down for a moment in 35 years or so. Now that her kids have grown up and left home she doesn’t want to take care of anyone. That deprived part of her inside absolutely refuses to go any further. “If you try to make me” the part says menacingly “I’m going to hurt you badly.” And this part can destroy her body and mind if it wants to and after so much deprivation it may very well be enraged enough to want to.

It’s Her Turn

While it’s possible to give oneself a turn after decades of waiting in line it’s far better to give oneself a turn daily. A small internal part thrives on regular reinforcement for all the good work a woman does. It is willing to wait its turn willing even to be the last one to be rewarded each day — but it is not willing to be constantly neglected.

All one needs to do is offer a bit of kindness and appreciation to oneself. A daily treat — whether it is a bit of rest some laughter spiritual sustenance or a few minutes of intellectual or creative gratification — can provide a constant flow of positive energy for a lifetime. So give her what she needs; give yourself what you need. It’s a simple recipe for optimal health and well-being.