A steady stream of negative comments if left unnoticed can turn into a shower of unpleasantness 

Wife (in car with husband driving): You should turn left here.

Husband: Can you just let me drive for once?

Wife (to marriage counselor later that week): All I did was make a tiny suggestion — I was just trying to help. Then he became totally abusive. I think he has a personality disorder.

Husband (to marriage counselor): She thinks it was nothing but she never stops. She tells me how to talk to our children how to talk to her mother how to spend my time how to eat my food how to dress in cold weather even how to drive! I’m tired of it. She doesn’t let me breathe!

It’s the Little Things that Count

Our little remarks add up and have a profound effect over time. A lengthy series of small appreciations compliments and loving words build a relationship of positive regard security and comfort. An equally long list of small corrections criticisms and bits of unsolicited advice can build a mountain of defensiveness negativity and discomfort.

None of our words stand in isolation. Each is part of a long chain that starts with day one of a relationship. We may wish that we could start each day anew but alas it doesn’t work that way. This morning’s comment only has meaning in the context of all our previous comments.

Understanding the Present Moment

The historical context can explain why a spouse or child “suddenly” explodes in rage. It’s usually not sudden at all but rather a small fire that has slowly burned to the end of a long cord where it finally ignites. Victims of rage usually interpret what has happened in one of the following ways:

• Becoming defensive and/or claiming innocence: “What did I say? I didn’t say anything at all! What are you getting so upset about?”
• Embracing the victim position: “You are abusive and/or sick.”
• Concentrating on what the other person needs to do to improve: “Don’t raise your voice to me.”

Although no one should ever be yelled at insulted or otherwise mistreated this is a point that needs to be handled separately after a person has made a sincere attempt to understand what irritated the spouse or child in the first place. To achieve that understanding one must ask the upset person to explain his or her feelings fully (only when the person has completely cooled down) and then listen with the goal of learning about one’s own past behavior.

Resolution Comes with Understanding

Suppose an irritated child when asked explains to Mom that “you’re always on my case.” On the literal level the youngster’s complaint will probably be untrue. Mom can if she chooses enter a debate about exactly how often she is or isn’t “on the child’s case.” Doing so however will be a waste of everyone’s time since nothing but further upset and relationship damage will be accomplished.

Instead Mom should focus on the child’s feelings rather than on the facts of the matter. Somehow the child is feeling oppressed. If Mom really wants to understand herself the child and the relationship she needs to take the child’s feelings seriously and find out which of her own behaviors contributes to it. Once she becomes aware of what she has said or done that has made the child feel this way she can begin to make changes.

It’s not so much a matter of whether the parent’s behavior is right or wrong as much as whether that behavior is having a positive or negative effect. Only after milking the conversation for growth gems should she address the child’s inappropriate way of expressing the complaint in the first place.

Accidentally Negative

Although most of us are very sensitive when we’re on the receiving end of negative energy we often fail to notice when we’re the ones being negative. After all most of our negativity is expressed when we’re trying to be helpful or when we’re simply making a request. In normal people only a minuscule percentage of negative communication is the result of conscious intent to hurt (usually as a form of counterattack).

We need to recognize that unsolicited advice correction criticism and instruction — particularly when delivered frequently — can eventually overwhelm our loved ones. Since the buildup of these communications can be toxic it is important to severely restrict them. Try doing so and see how much new space opens for happiness and love in your home.