Chanukah makes me think of flames. Flames me think of light and fire. And that makes me think of stress management strategies.

Light and Dark

The quality of our days and our relationships depends on how “bright” they are. When our lives and dealings with people are colored with strife and stress we enter a state of gloom — a dark murky place where our energies stagnate. We lose hope and motivation; we feel sad. On the other hand when things are going well with our dealings with the world we feel happy energized enthusiastic — everything “lights up.”

Although we’re all affected by external circumstances those who manage to maintain a steady healthy glow are not necessarily those for whom everything falls easily into place. Rather those who know the secrets to mood management can maintain a bright mood more consistently than others no matter what challenges they face. One of the important skills they possess is the ability to maintain perspective.

In the Scheme of Things

Although there are many unhealthy habits that contribute to feelings of overwhelm and negativity one common thought pattern deserves special attention: lack of perspective. As we live our daily lives we sometimes develop a tunnel vision — a way of viewing things that makes them seem as if nothing else exists. With tunnel vision small things can become extraordinarily important their ramifications and implications greatly exaggerated.

A good example would be the near-hysterical reaction of a mother to her daughter’s messy room. Living in a worldview that has shrunk to the size of her family home the mother might see the disarray as a disaster worthy of destruction of herself her daughter and their entire relationship. Of course the mother cares deeply about her daughter’s future and therefore cares deeply about her daughter’s management of her time and space but somehow a feeling of despair and emergency has entered the mother’s psyche blowing this particular incident way out of proportion.

Mom has caught on fire. The light in the daughter’s eyes is diminished. Home is now a dark place to be.

Overcare

An old-fashioned word that is sometimes used to describe tunnel-vision errors of this kind is “overcare.” Overcare means caring to the point of destruction. The light of love turns into a fire of conflict fear or depression. On Chanukah as we gaze at the beauty of the menorahs in our windows we are all aware of how fragile the lights are how easily their beauty can tip over to engulf our home in flames. We need to keep our eye on them set them consciously and carefully and watch over them so that accidents don’t occur.

Similarly we need to watch ourselves carefully making sure that we remain carefully balanced as well. Is that husband’s negative remark an unpleasant way to start the day or is it the end of the marriage or the end of the world? Perhaps it was an error — maybe he wasn’t fully awake yet not his best self. Perhaps it’s happened to you on occasion too. Is the four-year-old’s suspension from nursery for aggressive behavior the end of his school career his happiness and his life — or is it something that must be addressed and attended to in the course of raising a child? Is that teenager’s hurt and disappointment too much for anyone to bear including you or is it just an upset in life’s journey meant to prompt her growth and development?

Yes everything is important. But where does it fall in the big picture? Perhaps there are some disasters in life — is this one of them? Can the importance of this particular incident be taken down a notch and placed in its true place in the scheme of things? Can we make it important without making it so important?

Put Out the Fire

Keeping the big picture in mind helps us keep little incidents in perspective. We don’t want to create fires all day long. Each time we start to feel unsettled (worried upset angry or frightened) we can ask ourselves instead if we can shrink the importance of the matter and thereby reduce our own stress and the stress of our loved ones.

Light the menorah of love by watching carefully over your flames — make sure they’re big enough to warm the hearts of your loved ones but never so big as to set your house on fire.