My child is treating me disrespectfully. What do I do now?

We know it shouldn’t happen but it does: Kids sometimes blow up at their parents. This can happen because they are two years old and not getting their way or because they have an impulse control disorder or because they have not yet learned their manners.

Whatever the cause it is a behavior that must be stopped in its tracks. Nowhere in the Ten Commandments does it state “You must honor your mother and father — unless of course you are upset with them and/or you have trouble controlling your mouth.”

Parents Have Feelings Too

Teaching a child to express his or her feelings appropriately is one of the tasks all parents undertake. When a youngster shoves a sibling out of impatience or anger a parent steps in and reminds the child to use his words. When a child shouts in dismay because she is missing her best sweater and someone must have moved it without permission the parent sympathizes and then reminds her to keep her voice down and express her concern calmly. It’s all in a parenting day.

But when a child is yelling directly at a parent the parent’s own emotions often block the objectivity of his or her brain. The otherwise rational adult now feels hurt humiliated and panicked; these powerful emotions inhibit the cortex — the problem-solving center of the brain. All of a sudden the parent doesn’t know what to do. The parenting classes fall out of her head spilling onto the floor.

In this mindless state she screams back at her child berating the youngster for not speaking nicely! When her brain turns back on later she’ll perceive the irony of the situation even as she suffers pangs of guilt and remorse. Yes she made a point but not the one she wanted to make about the importance of self-control.

Adjust to the New Reality

The first time a child is rude to a parent is a shocking experience. However that should be the last time that shock is experienced. Once severe disrespect has been demonstrated the parent needs to realize that such behavior is a possibility — something that has happened and can happen again in the future. After the very first incident (or the millionth depending on when the parent first realizes what is happening) the parent needs to create an educational remedial intervention. Children need to know how to control their words and actions even when feeling enraged disappointed or resentful. The ability to do so is their key to building successful interpersonal relationships throughout life.

Stay Focused

With this in mind the parent can now make it clear to the child (over the age of three) that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated. Usually a child must be trained in a step-by-step manner until all characteristics of daily respectful behavior have been attained — tone of voice choice of words timing appropriate silence and so on. For abuse to a parent however the parent must act immediately warning the child that a specific negative consequence will occur for future incidents of this nature.  Because disrespect for a parent falls into the “jail level” category of misbehaviors (just as adult disrespect for a police officer is a jail-level misbehavior) the consequence for it must be far more severe than for a regular misbehavior.

By severe I mean extremely annoying to the child. Keep in mind that we can’t teach respect using disrespectful interventions such as name calling (“You’re being rude/chutzpadik!”) yelling or smacking. Instead it is essential to model respect during the act of teaching it.

The parent should therefore say nothing at all until she feels calm and in control of herself. She can wait hours to calm down if necessary. When ready she can then quietly calmly and respectfully let the child know that he or she is now being “consequenced” as per the previous warning. Appropriate consequences can include very long writing assignments (lines essays or copying relevant passages on the topic from books); losing a valued privilege or possession for an extended time period; and so on depending on the age preferences and vulnerabilities of the individual child.

The consequence of the child’s actions must be annoying enough that she will make an effort to choose her words and actions more carefully in the future. Having a plan being prepared staying focused and teaching only when calm are the essential ingredients for helping out-of-control children gain self-control.