What can you do to make your home a more pleasant place to be?

A healthy home is a place of nurturing and support a safe harbor in the storm of life. A child can come to this home after a stressful day at school to find warmth love and compassion. A spouse can return from his or her outside activities to this place of ease and renewal. All members of the nuclear and extended family can enter these doors expecting to find acceptance good humor and care.

Where is this home? Not at my house.

At my house we’re all fighting. The air is heavy with tension. We pick on each other. No one is safe from criticism blame and judgment; reprimand and punishment are served with every meal. Our headaches stomachaches and muscle pains tell the story of our toxic relationships. With all this going on inside our walls there’s no one to talk to about our experiences outside — we are ignored mocked or even attacked when we attempt to share the challenges of our day. There is no one to turn to. Consequently we are vulnerable to stress every small wind licking away at our exposed hearts. Tired and lonely we long for what we will never find in our home.

Which Way Will It Be?

What’s it like in your home? For most people home has some characteristics of each of the places described above; home is a place full of love but also full of imperfect people who rub each other the wrong way on many occasions. There may be plenty of laughter but also plenty of shouting; plenty of acceptance but also plenty of complaints. In other words home is a mixed bag.

The question is: Can most people do better? While a mixed bag is nowhere near as destructive as the highly conflicted and negative home described in the second scenario it is also a distance from the healing environment described in the first. If your home is the mixed bag that most homes are is it that way because you want it to be that way or because you’ve never realized that it could be so much better?

Keep in mind that many people are happy with their mixed-bag situation. They feel that it is a “natural” environment filled with “real” people. There’s a comfort in being at home in one’s own home with no pressure to be “on” all the time no pressure to be perfect.

And yet this kind of relaxation comes with a cost. I may be happy to be able to bite your head off when I feel like it but I really don’t like it when you bite off mine! I want to be “natural” and “real” but I’d much rather that you be on your best behavior. Your short temper impatience and irritability do nothing but stress me out.

What’s that you say? You’re not willing to be nice if I’m not? Well that’s upsetting!

The Easy-Does-It Perfect Home

The fact is that everyone benefits enormously from a truly positive environment. Being able to access consistent love and support when we return from activities every day is protective physically and emotionally it’s very very good for us. When we tip the balance of the mixed bag to the highly positive side every member of the family flourishes. However since we are all prone to our natural moods and defects the easiest way to create a healthy harmonious environment is to make a few ground rules that each member of the family follows. You can create your own set of rules or you can experiment with the ones below:

• Give a really pleasant greeting to each person who enters the house offering a cheery “hello” a big smile and a show of interest in the person’s day. Wait at least 15 minutes before asking for anything or voicing any complaints.
• When someone wants to tell you something turn toward them look at them listen. Nod your head as the person is talking. Pause. Make a comment.
• Speak softly at all times.
• Offer unlimited compliments and positive feedback; limit complaints of any kind to one per person per evening. Limit requests similarly.
• Contribute to a pleasant atmosphere by smiling using light humor offering encouragement helping humming expressing gratitude and otherwise exuding positive energy.
• Go slowly. Think before you speak. If it’s not nice don’t say it.
• Think of what you’d like to come home to. Hold a family meeting with a home-improvement agenda. What would make your home the haven you’ve always wanted?