If you want a straight response offer straight communication

Although couples often talk about their “communication problems” often they are communicating just fine — in fact too fine for their own good. For example let’s look at this dialogue between Shimmy and Penina:

Penina: (in a pleasant tone of voice) “Did you have a chance to work on the taxes today?”

Shimmy: (shouting) “Get off my case already!”

Clearly Shimmy did not like the gist of what his wife said but why not? She asked her question nicely. She was polite. It was a simple straightforward question. Was she a poor communicator? Shimmy was quite belligerent in his response raising his voice and using coarse language. There was nothing nice about what he said. Still he communicated pretty well: Penina understood his message well: He was mad!

The problem is that these spouses understand each other all too well. Penina might as well have said “Shimmy I’ve been asking you for two months already to do this task that you promised to do and I’m really annoyed at you for not having done it. I’m reminding you for the tenth time that I want those taxes done. You are not doing your job. I am not impressed.”

The fact that she didn’t actually say any of that doesn’t matter. Shimmy understood that she meant all of it. He was not responding to his wife’s words but rather to her message. He was doing what all good communicators do: reading between the lines.

Say It Straight

Although Penina was trying to avoid conflict by beating around the bush she didn’t manage to avoid it at all. On the contrary: She managed to communicate her criticism complaints and negativity even without using harsh words. If she now tries to claim that she did nothing wrong in asking her innocent question her protests will fall on deaf ears. Her husband understood her displeasure loud and clear.

Interestingly direct confrontation can sometimes produce better results. For instance Penina could have just told her husband that she wasn’t pleased with the delay in the taxes. She might have said something like “Shimmy I’m feeling frustrated. You promised to have the taxes done weeks ago and they’re not done.”

This statement contains no double message no hinting no hidden agenda. It says it like it is. Although Shimmy is still free to respond irrationally or angrily chances are higher that he’ll respond in a more civil fashion. He might say for example “I know. I’m having trouble getting to them — there’s been so much on my plate” or “I know it’s frustrating for you. I’ll try to finish them up this week.”

Tell Don’t Ask

Similarly kids respond better to straight communication. If you know that your child hasn’t brushed his teeth don’t ask “Did you brush your teeth?” The child knows this is a trick question; he knows that you know that he didn’t. Your deceptive communication sends a message that deceptive communication is “kosher.” You are accidentally teaching him to brush his teeth and also to be dishonest. He may come back with “Yes I brushed them” thinking that his lie is no worse than your own.

Instead try “I don’t believe you brushed your teeth. Please go take care of that right now.” The youngster can still correct you if you happen to be in error (“Mom is it possible that I brushed them a few minutes ago when you on the phone — maybe you didn’t notice?”). On the other hand if you were right the child will probably just turn around and head for the bathroom sink. In either case you are no longer teaching crooked forms of communication.

Like adults kids are very good at reading between the lines. They can tell when a “no” is really a “yes” for example. “Can I stay up later tonight pleeeeease?” If a parent feels ambivalent his eyes and mouth will not match up. The words may be “No not tonight ” but the eyes give it away (“I’m not in the mood for a fight so if you ask two or three more times I’ll change my mind”).

Instead of teaching kids to say things they don’t mean by modeling this technique take a moment to see how you really feel. If you check in with yourself you’ll feel that ambivalence. Resolve it before answering the question (is it “There’s no way he’s staying up tonight” or “Actually he can stay up a few extra minutes”?) or tell the child you’re not ready yet to offer an answer. Straight and honest communication yields the straightest results. If there’s nothing “between the lines” for anyone to read they’ll read you well and there will be far fewer communication problems.