Wife: When I needed him he just wasn’t there. I can never forget that and I can never recover; I don’t look at him the same way anymore. We’re just business partners now running a home.  I don’t feel connected to him.

Husband: I don’t know what she’s talking about. I was there for everything that she needed — I came to every appointment with her I paid for everything I looked after the kids I made dinner every night — I was totally there for her.

Wife: I felt completely alone. He had no idea of what I was going through and every time I tried to tell him he’d just offer platitudes and reassurance “everything will be fine.” That’s not what I needed at all. I needed him to understand what I was feeling.

Husband: I was trying to make her feel better. What’s wrong with that?

Mismatch

In this very common scenario there is a mismatch between the husband’s way of showing love and support and his wife’s way of receiving it. There can be differences between the “love language” of any two people but there tends to be some fairly standard differences between the two genders.

That said please note that everything I say from here on in is a generalization true for a large number of men and women but not for every single one. If you or your spouse react in polar opposite ways to the trends I am describing that’s also normal and fine. Simply read the article in reverse.

Helping by Doing

Men tend to help in an “hands-on” fashion; they help by doing. When a wife is dealing with a crisis — medical familial professional or personal — a husband will often do what he can to “hold down the fort.” This may involve running errands doing household chores taking on additional childcare responsibilities or any other type of activity. Thus engaged he feels he is providing a valuable service. Indeed he may even regard himself as a sort of hero for having done what he suspects is above and beyond the call of duty (“No other husband would have done as much as I did ” is a common battle cry). He is astounded to learn later that his wife felt utterly abandoned by him.

Helping by Providing Emotional Support

Women do appreciate physical assistance in times of need. In fact if a husband doesn’t step up to the plate his wife is likely to record his abandonment at her time of need as a true trauma. For instance if she is on bed rest for some health condition and he continues to keep his normal schedule making no adjustments or temporary accommodations for her physical incapacity she may hold his neglect against him for decades to come.

On the other hand if he does what any decent person would do (provide the help that is needed) he probably won’t get any extra credit for it. After all this is what most women do every day of their lives! What a woman wants and expects from her spouse is that he provide both physical and emotional support. For many men the physical support comes rather easily. It’s the emotional support that leaves them dumbfounded.

Yet the task is easier than most men might imagine. Half of it can be accomplished with silent nodding! Look at her while she talks say nothing but nod as if you understand. When your wife’s sentences are punctuated by longer and longer pauses its time to acknowledge the difficulty of her struggle by saying something like “It’s really hard.” Nod slowly as you say it. Other useful phrases include “I can see why you’re so upset ” “It’s such a loss ” and “It’s just so wrong.” After a few such memorable comments you’re ready to ask “Do you want my advice?” If she says “No I just wanted to talk ” nod slowly and wisely. If she says “Yes please ” offer an idea or two but end with something like “These are my suggestions but you don’t have to use them. Do whatever seems best to you. And remember — I’m here for you.”

Now ladies if your husband uses any of these strategies the next time you are in psychological distress be careful not to complain that he sounds like a Family First article you recently read! Instead let him know what a great job he’s done of supporting you through a hard time. Your positive feedback will help your husband to feel that he can succeed at being supportive enabling him to really be there for you just like you always wanted him to be.