When things don’t go our way we love to complain. “Why isn’t there ever any milk in the fridge?” “It really bothers me when you leave your clothes on the floor!” “Nobody helps out around here!”

 It’s amazing that we keep doing this when our complaints are so inefficient. Our enthusiasm for this mode of communication makes no sense in the light of its absolute ineffectiveness. Indeed our complaints are far more likely to elicit excuses and defensive rebuttals than actual reform. This being the case why do we continue complaining?

 Why Complain?

One reason we complain is becuase it feels good. Whether it yields positive results or not it’s a relief to be able to put our displeasure into words. “Whew! I’m glad I got that off my chest! Now he knows exactly how I feel!” So true.

 But so what? Now he likes you a little bit less for your efforts. After all much as we might enjoy offering our complaints no one seems to enjoy receiving them! Far from endearing ourselves to the “complainee” we are more likely to alienate him or her.

 Another reason complaining is so popular is because it’s been passed down throughout the generations. Adam HaRishon had complaints! So did our own parents. They implanted the complaining wiring into our sensitive developing brains by making frequent use of the technique themselves. “Stop teasing your sister you didn’t wash your dish properly you’re staying up way too late …” — we learned through their modeling how one ought to speak in order to improve a situation. It therefore seems completely “natural” to speak this way. If it doesn’t work very well who cares? This is what one does!

 Finally complainers complain because they are working on an erroneous assumption: they assume that making one’s displeasure known is some sort of motivating factor to others. In other words they think that “once Yossi realizes that I don’t like constantly tripping over his shoes in the hallway he’ll move them!” Unfortunately it doesn’t work quite that way. In most cases complaints fail to transform behavior at all. When they do transform it it often goes in the opposite direction from what one was hoping for. Complaining can increase rebellious and defiant behavior for example leading to even less cooperation than before.

 It’s important to track one’s success with issuing complaints — listen to your own complaint and then make careful note of whether the offending behavior is occurring less often about the same amount or more frequently. One caveat: Even if you happen to discover that your complaints are effective in changing the behavior of your family members you will want to ensure that they are not negatively affecting the quality of your relationships. Normally relationships will hold up well and effects of complaints will be generally positive in only one set of circumstances: when complaints are uttered very infrequently. The more frequent the complaints the less anyone tends to care about them and about the complainer.

Getting What You Want without Complaints

If you can’t say what you don’t like how are family members going to know how to change their behavior? The answer is so simple you’ll blush when I tell you. Tell them what you do want!

 There are a couple of ways to do this. One is to simply ask for what you want when you are feeling annoyed or frustrated instead of complaining about what you don’t want at that time. For instance in the past when you tripped over shoes you might have tended to express your irritation in the form of a complaint (“Why do you insist on leaving your shoes here when I’ve told you that they’re dangerous?”). Instead you would now make a request: “Would you please come move these shoes to the closet? Can you please put them in the closet every time you take them off?” Everything should be said in a pleasant tone of voice. As soon as the offending shoes have been moved you can use a second version of asking for what you want — namely letting the family member know when he or she has done what you want. In this case you might say something like “Thank you so much! This is exactly where I want those shoes!”

 The small difference in your wording volume and tone makes a big difference in the receiver’s psyche. Instead of eliciting defensiveness and hostility you are now eliciting a spirit of reciprocity and cooperation. Asking for what you want may not always be the only strategy needed in order to change behavior but it’s usually a good starting point.