For some children going back to school means returning to torture

Many kids are excited to go back to school. For them it’s back to old friends back to the comfort of structure back to opportunities to succeed and shine. For others though it’s back to torture of various kinds.

Academic Torture

Although the word “torture” is often applied to the intentional physical suffering one endures at the hands of another and frequently conjures up images of warfare and political agendas it has other meanings as well. Specifically torture can refer to any form of physical or mental anguish.

Some children experience decades of anguish as they are forced to confront an academic curriculum. It might be that they find their studies excruciatingly boring. This may be because the work is beyond their capacity or it is far too simple for their quick minds. Maybe it lacks personal relevance or other interesting characteristics. It might also be that the work is exhausting taxing their intellectual perceptual or physical skills far beyond a comfort zone. This may happen because the child has severe or even mild deficits that impact severely on normal forms of classroom instruction (such as having to attend auditorily to someone lecturing at the front of a classroom or having to read copious amounts of material or having to sit still for long periods of time).

Probably the most common form of academic torture occurs when a child finds a significant portion of the curriculum too hard. Again intellectual and cognitive characteristics may be responsible but it hardly matters. When a child fails falls behind or consistently performs poorly his entire sense of self is affected. He can easily see himself as inferior incapable and/or incompetent notions that can distort his personality and behavior and negatively affect his mood. When a child and the demands of the curriculum do not match for any reason the results can be disastrous. The child’s pain is a signal to take action. Failure to address the situation can be costly.

Emotional Torture

Another kind of anguish that many children experience in the school setting is emotional in nature. A child may feel wounded and/or abused within the school setting for any number of reasons. There is social torture for starters. Any form of chronic rejection and all forms of bullying and mistreatment tend to cause deep enduring types of psychological pain. Most children who have social problems at school will need more than success in adulthood to remove the traces of emotional harm that result.

Years of social failure leave their mark as surely as years of academic failure do. Even when the child has grown up married had his own children and established himself within a career the hurt can remain and still affect him in daily life. At any age psychotherapy can help heal the traumatic aftereffects of social pain. Nonetheless early intervention has the advantage of helping to prevent more suffering down the line.

It is important not to minimize a child’s feelings at any time and particularly when it comes to hearing his social pain. Instead accept the pain exactly as it is presented as an excruciating and sometimes unbearable experience. If possible get the child professional help or address the issue in other ways. Although you may get tired of hearing about the child’s social frustrations and upsets keep in mind that your child needs your support as long as these frustrations and upsets occur. For some kids this may be throughout the entire schooling experience.

Peers aren’t the only ones who can cause your child emotional torture. Teachers and principals can also be witting or unwitting perpetrators of emotional abuse. Again taking your child’s experience at face value listening and accepting his pain is the most helpful way of responding. As with other types of emotional pain psychological counseling can often be very helpful. One thing that parents should not do is expect that the pain will just go away with time. Perceived betrayals have a way of sticking around sometimes forever. Never underestimate the power of the child’s view of his negative experiences.

Helping Kids Through It

For the most part kids have to go to school. Many will thrive there most will certainly get by just fine. Those who encounter difficulty however need skilled and careful parenting. The pain they suffer at school needs to be balanced with experiences of acceptance love and success at home. Accepting their feelings about school is a crucial first step and accessing professional guidance and intervention can make a significant positive difference.

Every child needs to feel successful in order to become successful. Help your school-challenged child to find his or her own realms of success and nurture these as much as possible so that your child can shine somewhere.