“Today you are all standing …” (Devarim 29:9)

Rashi: “Why is Parshas Nitzavim juxtaposed with the curses [in Parshas Ki Savo]? … Because when the Jewish People heard ninety-eight curses … they turned pale .… And Moshe started to appease them.”

Rav Leib Chasman ztz”l said: Because the purpose of the curses was that they should be afraid and since they were afraid … there was no need for them to be frightened .… Therefore Moshe appeased them. (Darchei Mussar — Rav Yaakov Neiman)

The Dubner Maggid compares this to a boy who becomes ill. The doctor decides that the boy has to vomit. But since he’s a pampered rich boy and doesn’t want to taste anything bitter the doctor commands the staff to cook various medicinal herbs in front of the patient. From the smell he will vomit and get well. Thus the Holy One … said curses before them until they were afraid from just hearing the curses and would not transgress.” (ibid.)

Is it enough to “cook the bitter herbs” in front of me? Must I taste them?

Days from now the King will sit on His throne. Every person will pass by his deeds examined and the decree decided. Is this enough to cause a tremor to pass through me?

No one guarantees that health good children parnassah — all the blessings we take for granted — will remain static in the coming year. Is this prediction not enough to put me into a panic?

Am I sure that all my deeds this year were good and noble? Do I not fear that I may also have committed sins?

With this thought a great fear has suddenly fallen on me. No I don’t have only good deeds. I also made mistakes.

People try to close the door on fear. Something inside me too wants to calm me: “It’ll be okay. What could happen? Don’t take things to heart.”

But Elul has been in my heart for many days now and this is too fateful a time.

This fear is different. Don’t try to calm me. This isn’t an anxiety lacking in faith or a fear that paralyzes my functioning.

This is plain awe of Heaven and recognition of the Day of Judgment. I want to grasp this fear and hold on tight.

What is fear of Heaven that faces grow pale from it? The Chofetz Chaim ztz”l had fear of Heaven on his face. Every day looked like Rosh HaShanah. From his face one could see that Gan Eden and Gehinnom exist.

Rabbeinu Yonah explains what fear of Heaven is: As I prayed I worried about my lack of accomplishment in Your service; therefore all other worries were distanced from me. I groaned from fear of You; all other groaning was distanced from me.”

A G-d-fearing man was found sleeping in a desert and was asked: “Aren’t you afraid of a lion?” He answered: “I’m ashamed before Hashem that I should fear anything besides Him.”

If a person … is not afraid of anything and doesn’t groan over anything but fear of the Holy One … and his shortcomings in serving Hashem this is true fear of Heaven. (ibid.)

And I? Am I so afraid that I can find no interest in chasing after bargains for Yom Tov outfits? That I’m not capable of telling what I heard about my sister-in-law because fear makes the story stick in my throat?

Do I have a sense of life and death hovering over all until my Bircas HaMazon is better my husband finds me more forgiving and I can’t help but feel disappointed that I didn’t visit my sick neighbor call my mother-in-law or spend more time in shul?

Has the fear of Heaven truly succeeded in reaching my heart?

The Chofetz Chaim used to say that though it’s true that in our days it’s very hard to do teshuvah with a whole heart at least let each one try to forgo his rights.… And in that merit the Holy One … will forgo His rights and pass over our sins.

On this last Shabbos before Rosh HaShanah Parshas Nitzavim is always read to remind us that we are standing all of us near to Hashem to be judged.… Therefore let … us forgo our rights.... And in this merit we will be written and sealed for a good life and for the complete Redemption. (ibid.)

My face is pale. May I merit reaching the verse “You are standing all of you this day …” I feel the fear of You; please grant me a year without fear of anything else. Distance me from sins and from small-mindedness. Grant that I feel this way all year. Open my heart to crown You King over my home. And over my entire existence.

And may I feel this way not only from fear but also from love.