A Penny at a Time

“Nason Titein — You shall surely give to him … and Hashem will bless you because of this.”

(Devarim 15:10)

Rashi comments on this double wording (nason titein) of giving: “Even a hundred times.”

The Rambam discusses this concept in his peirush on Avos Ch. 3: “Everything goes according to the majority of actions.” Man doesn’t acquire spiritual attributes through one major action but rather through a buildup of many small actions.

Therefore it’s preferable for a rich man to distribute a hundred dinars to a hundred paupers than to give them all to one pauper. This way he accustoms himself to battle his evil inclination a hundred times and it will be easier for him forever. (Chofetz Chaim al HaTorah)

Your mother-in-law is the stereotypical shvigger. Discussions between the two of you are a dance of politics diplomacy and tension. Finally you decide that you need to do something drastic. You drag all your kids to a professional studio and spend a huge amount of time and money obtaining stunning portraits of each child. You splurge on an expensive album decorate each page and add a cute quote from every grandchild.

 What bubby could resist such tangible nachas? Your husband is so proud. The shvigger is thrilled and flattered. Everyone keeps commenting to her that she has a gem of a daughter-in-law.

But you find out soon enough that nothing has really changed. You didn’t change. Your mother-in-law didn’t change. Your relationship hasn’t improved in any lasting way.

And then there’s your middle child bitter about his lot in life caught between the brilliant eldest and adorable youngest. I’ve got to give him more attention you remind yourself. We’ll take him out for a special trip — just Tatty Mommy and Moishy. We’ll go to the zoo buy him ice cream and pizza get him a nice souvenir and end off the day with a nighttime boat ride. He’ll have the time of his life an unforgettable adventure a chance to bond and build.

But the next morning he’ll still be the sandwich child stuck between the siblings he resents and envies craving that extra bit of attention.

Nason titein. You have to keep giving. One action after another. Tiny gestures that leave indelible imprints upon the heart.

Minute quantities that slowly stretch a character leaving their delicate marks upon one’s soul. Small deeds that build a man.

By repeating his actions the very deed becomes second nature to him. As David HaMelech said: “He distributed and gave to the paupers; his righteousness endures forever.” (Tehillim 112[FP1] :9.) One who distributes his charity (tzidkaso) to many paupers is surely guaranteed that his righteousness (also tzidkaso) will remain forever. Repetition ensures that the positive quality of giving becomes natural. (Chofetz Chaim al HaTorah)

Your mother-in-law was thrilled with your gift and with your thoughtfulness. You’ve taken a big step in the right direction—but it was only one step. It’s many small steps the little advancements that can dramatically alter a relationship. A warm word a friendly phone call twice a week swallowing a sharp retort as she tells you how to raise your kids complimenting her on her cooking.

Those honest efforts the deeds that challenge and demand tremendous restraint that lack all glitter and glory those are the ones that open pathways for a closer relationship in the future.

Your middle child would much rather spend ten minutes each day with you as opposed to one action-packed day. He’d rather receive many little reminders of your love than an occasional double dosage.

Day by day minute by minute those simple little copper pennies add up and meld into gold.

The same concept works with our relationship with Hashem. Our davening during the Yamim Noraim is often intense and laden with emotion. Yet we aneed a connection with Hashem every day of the year. Daven for the little things. Daven for the big things. Create a long chain of tefillos that forges a relationship with Hashem.

Big actions are big.

But only many small consistent actions will make a person big.