It’s not enough to regret it afterwards. Don’t say it in the first place

People often say things in anger that they don’t mean. In fact this is one of the reasons that anger is such a dangerous and destructive emotion ‑ it erodes our normal boundaries our normal moral sense of right and wrong good and bad. Without reigns on our mouth all sorts of hurtful and damaging words can pour out ‑ words that we don’t really mean.

I Want Out

Marital pain is one of those excruciating experiences that can make a person feel at the end of his or her rope. “I can’t take this anymore. I want out!” are words that are surprisingly common in marriages that remain intact for a lifetime. In a fit of rage and desperation someone utters this sentiment and at the time truly feels it. However when the flow of adrenaline is halted and the brain resumes its normal functioning the same person often regrets what was said. “I’m sorry. I was just mad. You know I didn’t mean it ‑ I would never leave you. I love you!”

But what is the experience of the recipient of the hostile sentiment? Does the attacked spouse turn around and say “I know Sweetheart. You were just angry. I know you say things you don’t mean when you’re in that state. Don’t worry about it ‑ I didn’t take you seriously for a minute!” Certainly this is what the offending party would like to hear. And it is possible that the first time such words are uttered the response may actually be one of patient understanding and forgiveness.

But if the same thought ‑ “I want out” ‑ is expressed time and time again something very different is likely to happen. “I’m tired of listening to this. If you want to leave so much then just do it already!” Why the switch? What happened to the compassionate understanding of the effects of fight-or-flight chemistry?

Beyond the Rationale

Even though a mature spouse can intellectually realize that his or her partner is temporarily insane when enraged and therefore not completely responsible for what comes out of his or her mouth the words themselves have a destructive effect. This is true in all cases of familial verbal abuse ‑ from sibling to sibling child to parent parent to child and all other relationships. A child may know at some level that his parent would never disown him but when the parent actually makes the threat to do so the words have an effect.

What is the effect of the words? First there’s emotional damage. The brain may discount the message as temporary foolishness but the heart takes a blow. An internal wound is formed a wound that may not completely heal. Subsequent blows to the heart do greater and greater damage until at last the heart is completely broken. In other words there is a definite cumulative effect of destructive communications. While the speaker hopes to erase their traces with a sincere apology the first attack is usually the last attack for which this will work.

Second destructive language harms the physical bodies of both the speaker and the listener as so poignantly illustrated by researcher Masaru Emoto author of “Messages from Water.” Emoto has shown that the energetic qualities of beautiful healing words and destructive conflictual words directly impact the formation of water cells ‑ positive words forming healthy beautiful water crystals and negative words leading to malformed or unformed crystals. Since the human body consists of 70% water harm to these cells will affect one’s health. Ugly words can literally make the speaker and listener sick. Of course our own Talmudic sages have pointed this out long before Emoto took out his camera.

Third destructive language negatively affects the soul and all the worlds of creation. Words of peace create the container for all blessings and angry words have an opposite effect. Once spoken they cannot be retracted. We may be sorry but we cannot undo what we have done.

Permission to Speak

Although everyone knows that unkind words have no redeeming features many people allow themselves to use them when they are really upset. By saying awful things in anger a parent teaches a child that in cases of extreme frustration it is okay. to say whatever you want. In fact when one is hopping mad it is time to keep one’s mouth firmly shut so as to prevent irreparable harm to oneself and one’s family. We must keep in mind that even if forgiveness is given the damage remains.

Let’s not fool ourselves: in the realm of speech mistakes are costly. Giving ourselves permission to let loose on occasion means giving ourselves permission to harm or even destroy our most important relationships and the people we love.