My parents never had the greatest marriage and now that they’re aging things are getting progressively worse. I am often at the receiving end of their gripes about each other and I’m never quite sure how to respond.  

I tend to sympathize with my father’s complaints about my mother which are usually well-founded (“She yells at me” or “She criticizes me publicly”) and I tend to find my mother’s complaints ridiculous (“He always buys the wrong brand of coffee ” or “He leaves his newspapers open on the couch all the time”). But both my parents are equally bitter in their complaints and I don’t know how to answer them in a way that is respectful to both parents yet also helpful.  

There is no chance that they would discuss their issues with anyone outside our immediate family so that’s not an option. Should I empathize with the suffering parent? Come to the defense of the parent being complained about? Change the subject? And should my reaction depend on whether the complaint is valid?

Rabbi Zev Leff

 If you can impress upon your parents that it is not in their best interests nor in yours to be involved in their marital problems that would be ideal.

However if this is not possible then from the standpoint of lashon hara you’d be permitted to listen to your parents’ complaints if you resolve not to believe what each one says of the other but rather serve as a sounding board to give them a chance to vent their pent-up negative feelings about each other which will obviate the need for them to relate these feeling to others or to act out these feeling against each other.

Try to soothe their hurt and empathize with each one without validating their complaints or arguing with them about their viewpoint. Rather try to influence them to ignore these petty complains and focus on the positive aspects of their marriage and mutual needs in their old age. If you do so you will be fulfilling two tremendous mitzvos — kibud av v’eim and havaas shalom bein adam l’chavero (making peace between people). Hatzlachah.  

Rabbi Zev Leff is the rav of Moshav Matityahu rosh yeshivah of Yeshivah Gedolah Matisyahu and rosh kollel of kollel Yesod Refael. Rav Leff is an internationally recognized lecturer and teaches in numerous seminaries where he is valued for his incisive classes which combine scholarship wit and a deep understanding of contemporary issues. His most recent book is Festivals of Life: The Depth and Meaning of the Mo’adim.

Mrs. Shani Mendlowitz

The crux of your situation seems to be how to respond in a way that is both respectful and helpful. This involves several halachic issues including kibud av v’eim (honor and respect) moreh av v’eim (fear and awe) and hilchos lashon hara. It is imperative to consult with a halachic authority to discuss these issues. Since interpersonal issues can be entangled and complex you may find it difficult to implement the posek’s instructions. If that occurs it would be a good idea to enlist the help of a mental health professional.

I can offer you some advice but first I’d like to discuss a number of aspects of the Torah’s perspectives of kibud av v’eim that may be of value to you as you struggle to maintain respect in this difficult situation. The appearance of the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim on the luchos as one of the Aseres HaDibros tells us that it is one of the fundamental principles of Yiddishkeit. Torah sources compare honoring a parent to honoring Hashem Himself.

At the same time Chazal are very frank about this mitzvah: Midrash Tanchuma describes it as “chamura sheb’chamura” the most difficult of mitzvos to do perfectly and thoroughly. Indeed the fact that explicit reward (arichus yamim) is mentioned in the Torah which is rare alludes to its complexity and also lets us know that we all need encouragement to persevere in this mitzvah.

Why is the mitzvah so difficult? I’m going to mention two factors both of which may apply in your situation. First although this mitzvah seems to have a rational basis there are halachic implications that indicate that the reasons for this mitzvah go beyond the gratitude and appreciation that is one of the most commonly cited taamei hamitzvah. We see this reflected in reality. For example one who was not raised by his biological parents is still required to honor them.

The Meshech Chochmah points out the that mitzvah was given to the generation in the desert who actually had little cause to feel that they owed their parents gratitude; after all this was the generation that ate mahn from the heavens whose clothes grew with them who were sheltered by the ananei hakavod — in other words a generation whose parents were less actively responsible for child care than any other parents in the history of mankind. Nevertheless they were the original recipients of the mitzvah. For as is the case with all other mitzvos this mitzvah has cosmic implications beyond our vision or understanding.

The second factor that makes the implication of this mitzvah difficult is that Torah sources explain that the mitzvah involves not only word and deed but extends to our thought processes as well. A child is required to feel respect and admiration for his parents to regard them as great and prominent even if they are not considered so by others. Thinking critically about a parent is not permitted and certainly challenging a parent verbally  would be forbidden.

Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz explains that the way to have this regard for one’s parent is to find some area your parent excels in no matter how minor and to focus on that point in order to generate the proper respectful attitude. It is clear that the halachah requires us to respect a parent even in a situation that to the casual observer does not call for respect.

For this reason I feel strongly that you should not take sides at all. Halachically it seems incorrect from all we’ve said above and practically speaking you have much to lose and little to gain.

You imply that your parents’ conflicted relationship is a long-standing dynamic; it is probably deeply rooted perhaps it began even before you were born. It is doubtful that you’d be able to unravel it so leave it be. Do not take sides do not intervene do not asses the validity of their comments and do not defend one to the other. So what can you do? Ask a posek what would be an appropriate response — perhaps empathy would be best in this situation — and realize that following his psak is the best way to be mikayem the mitzvah of respect and honor.

You did not mention if you yourself are a parent but I’d like to use this opportunity to mention to you and the readers that another rationale for the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim is that a proper parent-child relationship is essential for the transmission of our mesorah. Parents are a crucial link in the chain that binds the child to our tradition. To fulfill this role properly there must be an atmosphere of trust and respect in the home. If this does not reflect the reality of your relationship with your children I urge you to get help with your parenting skills. Realize that it is not only your relationship with your children that is at stake but your children’s chinuch in emunah and mesorah. I wish you much haztlachah.

Mrs. Shani Mendlowitz is a Chumash teacher and administrator at Bais Yaakov Teachers’ Seminary of Montreal and has been involved in chinch habanos for decades. She is also a popular lecturer for women and serves as a kallah teacher.

Rabbi Dovid Hochberg

The fact that you are asking for help with these questions implies that the answers aren’t simple. But have you thought about why? These aren’t complicated questions. It make sense that if two people are criticizing each other and one’s complaints are ridiculous you would tend to empathize with the person you feel is being unfairly attacked. And yet you aren’t sure that this is the proper approach. There is something about taking one side that is making you uncomfortable.

You asked if you should empathize with the suffering parent or come to the defense of the parent being complained about. You wondered if you should change the subject or whether your reaction should depend on the validity of the complaint.

I am afraid to answer your questions and I will tell you why.

Your questions reflect your being in a relationship where you don’t belong. I appreciate your desire to ensure to the best of your ability that your parents’ relationship is smooth and fully understand your discomfort at being on the receiving end of their complaints against each other. I am guessing that this has been going on for a long time and you have been trying to “fix” their rocky marriage for as long as you can remember.

The paradoxical challenge of parents not getting along is that if you empathize and try to help one parent you feel uncomfortable because you are betraying the other one. When the discomfort becomes too much you shift your empathy and focus to the other parent only to discover that now you feel uncomfortable because you’re betraying the first parent. And so you shift again … and again … and again …

By answering your questions I’d be helping you remain involved with your parents’ marriage and you don’t belong there. This is an issue between the two of them. Of course you should try to be respectful but it will be extraordinarily difficult for you to be helpful.

In fact your involvement may even be harmful to them. How can they work on their marriage by developing alliances with you? How can they resolve the issues between them by reaching outside their relationship? They can only attempt to repair their marriage when they recognize that it is between the two of them. As long as they triangulate you they avoid having to face each other.

I think you already know this. After all you are asking your questions because something isn’t sitting well with you. You’ve discovered that no matter what you do it feels uncomfortable.

Therefore I would like to suggest a different question for you to ask a question that will be much more helpful to you: What work would I need to do on myself to be able to tolerate my parent’s criticism of each other without feeling that I need to help them? Can I disengage myself from their marriage even though I feel that I should empathize with the suffering parent? And if I find this extremely difficult what buttons is it pushing for me?

You may want to consult with a rav to obtain the specifics of what you can and can’t say to them. As I mentioned earlier you have probably been doing this for a long time. You therefore may also want to consult a professional for help if you find it too difficult to remove yourself from their relationship.

May Hashem give you the strength and wisdom to do the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim in a manner that will be best for both you and your parents.

Rabbi Dovid Hochberg LCSW-C is the director of the Maryland Counseling Network and a sought-after psychotherapist. He has published and lectured extensively on mental health marriage parenting and relationship issues and is the author of The Jewish Teen’s Survival Guide.