Your daughter flies off to seminary in Israel for the year … and returns a changed woman. She dresses differently, won’t eat certain hechsherim, and davens for hours. How to tell if the changes in her behavior are healthy, tips on diffusing any tension, plus ways to make her homecoming a smooth one

"I was a pretty typical teenager,” says Adina Schwartz, who grew up in a frum community in the US. “Most of my goals were concerned with looking good and doing well at whatever I was talented at, keeping up with society. I didn’t really have spiritual goals.”

Then she went to seminary in Israel for a year. “It changed my life completely,” says the now 22-year-old. “I realized that life is much more than the fancy car, the nice house, the well-paying job, the weekly manicure. Seminary taught me to reach for so much more.”

While Adina was undergoing a spiritual transformation in Eretz Yisrael, her parents were left largely in the dark. “We would speak to her on the phone and everything sounded status quo,” says Adina’s mother. “I was expecting my daughter to change while she was at seminary. A year away should change a child. But when she came home, we had a real shock.”

To start with, Adina went through all the books and DVDs on the shelves and got rid of anything that she didn’t deem appropriate to be in a Jewish home. Then she took the texting feature off her phone without telling her mother. “I use texting a lot to keep tabs on the kids,” says Mrs. Schwartz. “I most definitely didn’t like that. And I’ll be honest, the way she dressed when she came back embarrassed me. Here she was, in shidduchim, and she didn’t give a hoot how she looked!”

Traversing the slippery slopes of life at home after seminary can be perilous. Indeed, the homecoming is often anticipated — but also dreaded — by both the girl and her parents.

Healthy Growth

Some mothers feel like they have two different daughters — the one who grew up in their home, and the one who came back from seminary a changed person. Although your 19-year-old’s behavior may seem extreme (she won’t eat certain chalav stam anymore, and has revamped her wardrobe entirely), it’s actually part of the natural maturation process of separation and individuation, explains Dina Schoonmaker, a veteran teacher at Michlalah seminary and a regular AdviceLine respondent for Family First.

“The idea of sending children away from home for a year may seem almost unnatural,” she says. “But, in reality, it’s a valuable way to set the stage for the next chapter in their lives — marriage and the establishment of a new home.”

Indeed, the process of separation must happen so that the child gains a sense of individuation, and is able to function independently of her parents. You see this with babies: the mother does everything to nurture her young child, so that when the time comes, her baby will be able to go off and explore. This stage repeats itself when a daughter leaves the nest for seminary. But although the child may be ready, the parents may not be.

“Sometimes, parents fear change because they see it as a sign of bad parenting if the child doesn’t cling to their way of doing things,” says Mrs. Schoonmaker. “At other times, parents resist change because there may be an unhealthy enmeshment between mother and daughter.”

Your child’s newfound identity may actually be a compliment to you. “Look at it this way,” Mrs. Schoonmaker avers. “Your daughter’s willingness to pursue what she thinks is right, even if you disagree, is a sign of emotional health. It means that you did your job well.”

Parents may wonder if the changes they see — the longer davening, the new stringencies in tzniyus — are real, or yet another teenage stage. In this case, time will tell, assures Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald, menahel of Me’ohr seminary. “If your daughter is on a high that has no foundation, leave it alone, don’t argue or worry. It will dissipate shortly.” If the changes are real, they will remain a part of who she becomes.

And, adds Rabbi Greenwald, if a year in Israel creates idealistic dreamers like Adina, he is all for it. “You have to shoot for the moon, so you can reach the stars. Without dreamers there would be no rocket ships, cars, or computers. L’havdil, there would be no Bais Yaakov, no Mir, or Lakewood. All of these were built by people who had dreams that were not ‘realistic.’ Experiencing this period of idealism and dreams will enhance her life, make her marriage more meaningful, and allow her to accomplish important goals in life.

“We live in a world where ideals are few and far between,” he adds. “You sent your daughter to seminary to deepen her connection to Torah and mitzvos, and hopefully to become more inspired. Encourage her ideals, allow her to want more than what we are.”

But how can you discern, on an individual level, if the changes your daughter is making are healthy for her — or a little too extreme? Careful observation can tell you a lot, says Mrs. Aviva Ben Haim, menahelet of Bet Yaakov Orot Sarah in Brooklyn.

“It’s normal for a girl who just returned from seminary to pray longer, to dress more modestly. It’s not normal for a girl to be praying all day long.”