Read the following scenarios and carefully consider your answers:

• Four-year-old Yeudi has trouble getting his snow pants on. Should Mom help him or let him struggle on his own?
• Nine-year-old Naftali forgot his lunch at home yet again. Should Mom bring it to school for him?
• Twelve-year-old Shoshana struggles to wake up in the morning. How many times should Mom come to help her get out of bed?
• Sixteen-year-old Masha needs to make an appointment to have her hair cut. Assuming they both have time to make the call who should do it — Mom or Masha?
• Twenty-eight-year old Yechiel constantly loses his keys. When he is in a rush in the morning should his wife interrupt her morning responsibilities with the children to help him find his keys?
• Thirty-six-year-old Ruthie doesn’t like to attend medical appointments on her own. Should her husband interrupt his daily schedule to go with her?

To Help or Not to Help

It is often hard to know when to help how much to help and when to not help at all. When is a person being kind to herself and when is she being kind to the one who needs her help?

Let’s imagine that Naftali’s mother is Shifra. Shifra is a “helper.” When Naftali forgets his lunch Shifra is happy to bring it to him. She has chosen to be a stay-at-home mother for just this sort of reason: to be available when her kids need her.

Let’s imagine another scenario. In this one Naftali’s mother is Adina. Adina is a worrier. When Naftali forgets his lunch Adina worries that he’ll be hungry and then she worries that he won’t be able to learn well in the afternoon. She interrupts her schedule during the day to bring him his lunch. It’s worth it for her — she’s afraid of the consequences of letting him go without food.

Now let’s imagine that Naftali’s mother is Ilana. Ilana’s middle name is “guilt.” She brings Naftali his lunch not because she wants to but because she would feel like a bad mother if she didn’t. She knows that good mothers don’t let their children starve. She resents Naftali for constantly forgetting to take his lunch but she feel she has no choice but to save him from himself. Even if it makes her feel stressed overwhelmed or exhausted she just can’t say “no.”

Then there is a mom named Sari. Sari hates conflict. She knows that Naftali will have a fit later on if she doesn’t bring him his lunch. She’s not in the mood for that today. It’s just simpler if she brings his lunch.

Finally let’s imagine that Naftali’s mother is Deena. Deena recognizes that Naftali has two lunch problems:

1) What will he eat for lunch today?
2) How will he learn to remember to bring his lunch to school every single day?

She asks herself the question “What does Naftali need?” Shifra Adina Ilana and Sari solved the lunch bag dilemma by addressing their own needs not Naftali’s. Bringing the lunch makes Shifra feel helpful. It eases Adina’s anxiety soothes Ilana’s pangs of guilt and helps Sari avoids unpleasant conflict. Only Deena solves the problem by addressing Naftali’s needs rather than her own. Naftali needs two things: something to eat today and an educational plan that will help him remember to bring his lunch.

Deena calls the school and asks the teacher to provide Naftali with a few crackers if possible — not enough to fill him up but just enough to help him concentrate through the long afternoon ahead. Although she feels badly for her son she absolutely refuses to bring his lunch this time and every other time that he forgets it. She knows that the disappointment and hunger will help him remember it in the future. When Naftali comes home that night she helps him develop a strategy for getting his lunch into his schoolbag daily (e.g. he makes himself a big reminder picture and tapes it to the front door so he’ll see it as he leaves each morning).

Promoting Health and Healthy Relationships

Over-functioning (doing things for others that they need to be doing by themselves) hurts in three ways:

1. The over-functioning person may get burned-out and/or become resentful.
2. The under-functioning person may remain dysfunctional.
3. The relationship between the two parties may become strained due to the inevitable resentment of the over-functioning party.

Although it’s sometimes easier to just step in and rescue someone it’s often kinder in the long run to stand back.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 214)