Keep big picture in mind when solving sibling squabbles

Gavriel: Maaaaaa! Menachem’s bothering me!

Mom: What’s he doing?

Gavriel: He’s humming!

Menachem: I’m allowed to hum. If you don’t like it, you can eat in the basement.

Gavriel (to Mom): He’s just doing it to bother me! Make him stop!

Mom: Wait a minute. I just have to read a few parenting books, call my mentor, take a course — I’ll be right with you.

What would you do if you were the parent in this situation? Is Menachem allowed to hum if he’s in a happy mood? Can you be sure that he’s doing it just to bother his brother? And what if Menachem started humming before Gavriel came into the kitchen — does that mean the humming was “innocent,” or was it a trap for Gavriel, who was sure to arrive any minute?

Although you know your own kids pretty well, can you be 100 percent sure that Gavriel is really so sensitive to the sound of Menachem’s voice? Is it possible that the little guy just likes getting his brother in trouble? And, even if you think you know what happened here, what’s the correct response? Should you ask one of the boys to leave the kitchen — and which one? Should you tell Menachem he has to stop annoying his brother? Or should you tell Gavriel to face adversity with more resilience and go eat his breakfast?

What’s Your Goal?

In truth, what a parent does in a situation like this depends on her goal. If she’s busy, overwhelmed, tired, or otherwise not really available for serious parenting, she might choose whatever strategy will most quickly make the problem go away. “Menachem, please stop humming because it’s bothering your brother,” or, “Gavriel, if you don’t like his humming, please take your breakfast into the family room and eat it there,” or “Look, you two, just work it out because I don’t have time for this right now.”

Unfortunately, “shoot-from-the-hip” parenting often causes injuries. “THAT’S NOT FAIR! YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE!” the injured party may cry. Or “YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I HATE THIS HOUSE!” Usually one child, but sometimes both, will feel wronged, and the parent will feel even more overwhelmed and tired than she was before. Lack of a vision and a plan leads to chaos.

Teaching Moment

Do you think this works? Fortunately, a parent often has more than basic survival goals in mind. She sees the dilemma for what it is: a teaching moment. Such is the case for Mom in our scenario above.

“I want my kids to have great relationships with each other when they’re older and I know that patterns are established at a young age. When they start competing with each other or annoying each other, I like to take the opportunity to teach them about relationships. My goal isn’t just to settle the argument. I want them to learn how to get along with each other and with people, in general.”

Big Plans Need Big Strategies

This mom has big plans — she’ll need some big strategies to go along with them. First, she’ll have to establish which relationship lesson she wants to teach at a given time. She might hope to teach the boys that in caring relationships it is more important to show caring than to pursue what one is entitled to. For example, a husband is entitled to leave his clean cup in the drainer if he wants to, and no one can “make him” put it away in the cupboard. However, if his wife will be more relaxed and happy if he does put it away, then he should view his cooperation as a small act of kindness that he can do for his loved one.

Similarly, Menachem certainly has a “right” to hum if he likes to, but out of caring for his brother, he can cease and desist until Gavriel leaves the room. Mom can teach the lesson that making small sacrifices is an important part of loving relationships. She can encourage Menachem to sing a little later on, and praise him generously for holding off for the time being, and then she’ll have to look for opportunities for Gavriel to make a similar sacrifice “in the name of love,” at another time.

Thinking about parenting goals and the big picture guides parenting choices in the parenting moment. The trick is to do it in advance of that moment. Do your thinking when the kids are asleep!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 599)