Your 15-year-old can do a lot more than a five-year-old. Let him.

 Looking at one’s 20-year-old son it can be hard to even recall the toddler who once carried that same soul. Where has that former body gone? And what about the baby body that preceded it or the chubby school boy body that followed it? Vanished into thin air — a disappearing trick that only Hashem could orchestrate. And as each stage is replaced by the next different developmental tasks and challenges present themselves.

This is where parental flexibility comes in: A parent is raising at least five different human beings — maybe more — within each child’s developmental 20-year span. Each of these five people requires different kinds of guidance and intervention. A parent lets tantrums pass without comment in an 18-month-old but addresses them firmly in an eight-year-old. One dials the doctor for one’s sick ten-year-old but hands the task over to a 19-year-old with hives. In other words everything changes along with the changing child: expectations rules discipline and responsibilities.

I’d Rather Do it Myself

Some parents however fail to make the appropriate parenting adjustments. “Yes I know the kids can make their beds but my hired help does it better and doesn’t argue about it!”  When someone else will do it — whether it’s Mom or staff — it can be hard to explain to kids why they have to do it themselves. Of course one could give them the actual reason: “I want you to learn how to do it; it’s part of being prepared for life.”

However in the short run it can be easier and less stressful not to put the kids to work. “It’s just faster this way and I like it done a certain way — I don’t have patience for them messing it up.”  It takes time effort and special strategies to teach children how to do things. Moreover when children don’t want to do these tasks parents don’t want to fight with them; it’s is often simpler and less hassle for the parent to do it him or herself.

Let Kids be Kids

Another reason that some people don’t demand more of their maturing children is that they want to save them from burdensome tasks. “They’ll soon have so many responsibilities — I’m happy to do things for them while they’re young.” So the parent sets up the dental appointment runs the errand puts all the groceries away sets and clears the table gets money out of the bank fills in all applications packs the suitcases does the shopping does the wash — in fact does everything — so that the youngster can have a break after a hard day of studies.

In such homes the youngster may be curled up on the sofa with a good book while an exhausted parent is doing everything herself taking on the role of a personal servant. Often parents who willingly do it all suddenly get fed up and start screaming at their 18-year-old to get up and help. Of course the 18–year-old is neither psychologically nor physically prepared to take on responsibilities and therefore feel victimized by a parent who seems to suddenly have lost her mind!

That’s What I’m Here For

Finally some parents identify with the parenting role to such an extent that they don’t want to let the reigns go. “This is what a mother does for her children. That’s what I’m here for.”  Indeed if the mother didn’t busy herself with activities that the kids can now do themselves she might feel unwanted unneeded or unimportant. She might also feel bored or unproductive. To avoid all of this she continues to do tasks that older kids should be doing for themselves.

Robbing Children of Essential Skills

There are married children who still call their parents to help them with everything ranging from calling the doctor to applying for passports to shopping for clothes. These kids lack confidence in their own abilities to handle adult tasks. Indeed when a 14-year-old learns to shop cook sew make telephone calls take a bus or do any other grownup task that youngster develops a sense of competence and self-confidence.

Sheltering teenagers from tasks can leave them feeling unprepared and insecure in adulthood. Yes the child will eventually catch up — but it sometimes takes a couple of decades! And sometimes a child is left with permanent lingering feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. It’s preferable to let children acquire a lifelong sense of competency by assigning routine tasks and responsibilities in the younger years when they are busy learning everything else. Expect mistakes and imperfections as the child goes through the learning process and allow time for guidance and supervision. Your children will appreciate your patience as he or she steps gracefully into adulthood.