You say it wasn’t the “real you” who said that. So who was it?

Stress is ever-present in our lives. No one is exempt from the external pressures of life, and even when everything on the outside is going just fine, there are always the inner demons of negative thoughts, low moods, internal struggles, irrational anxieties, depleted energies, and general overwhelm — among other perturbations. There are days when we feel like we’re going to explode from it all. And there are days when we do.

Loss of Control

“So I said, ‘No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ and all of a sudden he went crazy. He started screaming about how unsupportive I am, how he should never have married me, how he can’t stand living with me, and how he’s going to meet with the Rav because he wants a divorce! I had no idea what had just happened. I thought we were having a normal conversation!

“At first I stood there speechless, but then I burst into tears and ran to the bedroom. He slammed the door and left the house. I honestly thought our marriage was over. But then a couple of hours later, he came back with flowers in his hand. He told me how sorry he was for what he had said. He said he didn’t mean any of it — he was just so stressed from everything that had been going on. Well, you know what? I don’t care how stressed he was. He said horrible things to me that I can never forget.”

When we’re stressed out, we can say and do things that are not consistent with our own self-image. “That wasn’t the real me — I’m really a very nice person. It’s just that I was so stressed.” There is a view in psychology that we all have a “shadow self,” a part of ourselves that we prefer not to identify with, a part that may not be nice at all. Unfortunately, as long as we disown our inner monsters, we’re actually like drunk drivers who eschew responsibility for killing others on the road. “It wasn’t me, officer — I was drunk.” Okay. And who is it that got drunk, then? Lack of ownership means lack of power to change.

Undoing the Damage

Who it was doesn’t really matter, however. The bottom line is that someone who looks an awful lot like someone we know well has said terribly hurtful things in a fleeting stress attack. Now what?

“I told her I was sorry a hundred times. She’s refusing to let go. She claims it changed everything. This isn’t fair. She’s not so nice when she’s stressed either — she can get irritable and snappy, but she expects me to put up with that. Listen, if she wants to hold on to this, then fine. I know I’m a perfectly nice guy and I’m not going to be demonized by her.”

When we let stress get the best of us, we recognize our error but don’t accept responsibility. Some parents can blame their decades-long bad behavior on some sort of stress that was plaguing them at the time. “Sure I yelled a lot back then — I couldn’t help it. It was really too much for me. I did the best I could.” We’re not bad people. Why can’t our spouses and kids just understand this and move on?

Because those momentary flare-ups are like knives piercing their hearts — that’s why. Our loved ones may be severely wounded, sometimes permanently crippled, as a result of our words. Yes, it is only emotional, but it is not metaphorical. Emotions are invisible (like the soul), but clearly present. Moreover, it is the damaged emotions that ruin the connection between people, just as a broken bridge no longer joins two sides of the road. Is recovery and rebuilding possible? Yes. But there are special requirements.

The offending person needs to acknowledge that the behavior was wrong, hurtful, and inexcusable. There is no acceptable explanation — including intense stress —for verbal abuse. “I should have gotten the help I obviously needed so that you would never be at risk.” Acknowledging the depth of the wound is also crucial. “I know I have done very serious damage to our relationship.” Finally, there needs to be a request for forgiveness that acknowledges the real difficulty in giving it: “I know it might take you a very long time, but I’m hoping that one day you’ll be able to forgive me for saying what I said.”

Even all of this offers no guarantee of a complete healing, but it is a beginning. What is even better, however, is learning to manage our stress and control our tongues. However hard that is, it is easier than trying to repair severely ruptured relationships.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 283)