One would think that Shabbos would be a peaceful day of rest. And while it has its many lovely moments the reality is that Shabbos also produces abundant family tensions. The trick is to manage these tensions in such a way that the overall feel of the day is still positive warm and loving.

Before Shabbos Begins

The challenges of Shabbos start long before the sun sets. Sometimes the challenge begins with shopping for Shabbos foods and ingredients. In some homes a weekly battle ensues over the costs involved and the lack of available funds. In other homes the struggle is more a logistical one — who will run to the five different shops and when? At last when everything is in the kitchen and ready to go the work begins in earnest: putting it all together into three festive meals. And when that is finally accomplished it’s time to ready the house for Shabbos a particularly tricky undertaking when little children are underfoot.

While some people flow easily through the preparatory stages of Shabbos many others do not — and for good reason. These weekly stresses are real stresses. Entire issues of secular magazines are devoted to the stresses and difficulties of making ONE large festive meal once or maybe twice a year! Topics will typically include financial cost time management menu preparation food preparation presentation and other aspects of planning. We step up to the plate every few days and while this is our pleasure it is also a challenge. Jewish homemakers need top-notch organizational skills in order to carry it off smoothly and efficiently.

Since we’re not all equally gifted in the organizational department we can certainly take advantage of the books articles and human teachers around us to help us find a way to prepare for Shabbos that works well for our own unique styles. We can learn tips and strategies galore until we find the system and techniques that make this stage of Shabbos pleasant and peaceful for us. It is so important that children see Shabbos preparations as pleasurable satisfying and even fun. If they see us moan and groan under the “burden” of Shabbos it can Heaven forbid leave them with aversive feelings toward this holy day.

Throughout Shabbos Day

Cultivating an awareness of the Shabbos mood can help people make adjustments in their routines before destructive patterns set in. For instance what is the mood like during Friday night Kiddush? When the house is full of little ones there are bound to be wigglers teasers droppers and slouchers at the Shabbos table. Are misdemeanors handled calmly and lovingly? Or are there loud reprimands and altercations? When the family is alone is the atmosphere as carefully constructed as when there are guests with watchful eyes? Utilize books shiurim courses and professionals as needed in order to help establish peaceful order at your table.

Shabbos morning presents new challenges. Little slowpokes aren’t ready for shul when Father needs to leave. Big-enough-to-know-betters are still snoozing when they should be long out the door. Not all children have reached a level of piety and maturity that allows them to fulfill their Shabbos obligations properly — how can a parent handle this without making Shabbos a battleground? It is helpful to connect to one’s own feelings before attempting to deal with children’s recalcitrant behavior. When rage is aroused it is a signal that parental vulnerability has been triggered. This should be dealt with first (on one’s own or with professional help). Then a healthy parenting plan can be implemented. Remember: there are peaceful solutions to all parenting problems.

As Shabbos stretches forward into the day there are still more potential hot spots. Though she knows she shouldn’t Wife feels irritated with Husband’s dvar Torah: it’s too long too short too complicated too simple too infrequent or otherwise too frustrating. The children aren’t participating. They’re grabbing food. They’re fighting. They’re not helping clear the table. Spouse isn’t helping. Spouse finally steps in with a raised voice. It’s all wrong.

Actually it’s alright. It’s family life. Everyone is growing up including the adults. There will be time to reflect and correct; it’s Shabbos.

Shabbat Shalom

It helps to keep in mind that we and our spouses are human and children are children. Shabbos like the rest of life is a work in process. Each particular challenge needs to be addressed separately and over time with the overall goal of achieving a peaceful Shabbos atmosphere. When the goal is clear it becomes easier to see what is needed: more household help or better discipline techniques easier recipes or a better plan more marital communication or a better division of labor. Experimenting and fine-tuning are all part of it. The peace of Shabbos is more accessible when we are at peace with ourselves and our learning process.