Children experience the joy of Purim. They dress up and eat lots of treats — what could be better? Adults on the other hand may or may not feel the joy of Purim. The creative types may love the opportunity to create — costumes food baskets and Purim feasts. But those not so inclined may experience Purim as a series of stressful tasks. And yet we’re supposed to be happy on this holiday. We’re not supposed to go around moaning about having to sit through Megillah readings having to deal with relatives and seudahpolitics and/or having to deal with the high costs and intense efforts demanded by the festival. If nothing else letting our kids see us “suffering” on Jewish holidays can give them the dangerous idea that living the Torah life is too difficult.

But what if we do find it all too much? Should a parent just “fake it till she makes it”? Is she supposed to put on a good show for her family while she keeps her actual feelings under careful lock and key? Or will her kids be able to see through her ruse — especially when they’re a little older — inadvertently absorbing her true resentment? Can a parent ever really hide?

Authentic Joy

Even if a parent could hide her unhappiness she would undoubtedly prefer to remove it for real. No one wants to be miserable. Moreover when Hashem asks us to rejoice and be happy it is clear that happiness must be a possibility. Otherwise how could it be demanded of us? Hashem who knows us thoroughly knows that we are prone to stress and negativity. In asking us to be joyful He is telling us that we can bring that state about. We just have to learn how.

Brain Science

Neuroscientists are teaching doctors psychiatrists psychologists and everyone else that the principal of “neuroplasticity” allows for rewiring of our brains. Even though we have genes and habitual tendencies and enormous automatic brain processes we can — when we know how to — override all that to create new neural pathways that will lead to new ways of thinking feeling and behaving. We can literally change our minds.

Hebb’s Law says that “neurons that fire together wire together.” In other words any two brain experiences that occur at the same time become linked in one neural pathway. If someone thinks about Purim and feels overwhelmed the “Purim-overwhelm” circuit is formed. It becomes bigger and stronger every time its owner attends to it because attention strengthens neural pathways. Therefore thinking about Purim and sighing a big “Oy ” enlarges the Purim-overwhelm circuit. If one has sighed a sigh and thencontinues to focus on the issue wondering where the money will come from if the mishloach manos will be good enough stressing over the seudah menu and so on — giving it still more attention — the Purim-suffering circuit becomes a superhighway in the brain. Unfortunately the suffering circuit releases unhappy chemicals into the body infusing each cell with a generous dose of misery.

The Power of Attention

The good news is that a person has a choice over which circuits to build. By giving minimal attention to negative thoughts about Purim quickly turning one’s attention to a positive thought about Purim and then giving that positive thought plenty of attention one can build a positive Purim brain circuit. This new circuit will then trigger happy chemicals in the brain that will affect every cell of the body causing the thinker to feel genuinely happy. The more attention the person gives to the positive thought the stronger the circuit becomes and the more good chemistry it releases. Managing the brain this way allows the person to feel good about Purim. The process might look something like this:

1. Notice a negative thought: “Mishloach manos is just too much work.”
2. Move attention away from the negative thought to a positive thought: “I love how excited the kids get when they give and get mishloach manos.”
3. Give the positive thought lots more attention by thinking about it expanding on it picturing it spending time on it. “It’s really the highlight of their year. I can picture the excitement on their little faces as they march up to their teacher’s front doors! They’re so happy to give treats to their friends … etc.”

Rabbi Pliskin points out in his commentary on the first line in Tehillim that sitting in the company of scorners includes sitting with our own negativity while choosing good company includes choosing our own good thoughts. We have a choice. We can be happy on Purim — and every other day too — by leading our brain in the way we want it to go.