Keeping communication on track when it starts to derail

Wife: When you use a harsh voice to me in front of the kids it really—

Husband (cutting in, shouting): I wouldn’t be using a harsh voice if you would just keep your promises for once! How many times have you promised you wouldn’t interfere with my parenting and then you barge in again and again while I’m putting Shaindy to bed. And that’s not all! You called my mother last week when I specifically—

Wife: (cutting in, shouting louder): Just wait a minute! I told you that I would be calling if—

Husband (cutting in, screaming): That’s just the point! You had no right to…

Why are these two talking about the telephone call to Mom? The topic of this conversation (go back and read the first line again) is the husband’s harsh voice. Why, just three lines later, are they talking about whether or not she should have called his mother?

Conversations between spouses don’t work well for a number of reasons, and this little snippet highlights three:

• • Neither person allows the other to finish speaking.
  • Each person escalates emotionally, speaking in louder and more aggressive tones with each sentence.

• Both parties wander off topic rather than discuss the issue at hand.

Let’s look at these communication errors more closely.

Don’t Interrupt

The first error is called “interrupting.” Cutting someone off in the middle of what they’re saying ensures that the conversation will feel bad and remain unresolved. People like to get their point out — in full. Even if you’ve heard the speaker’s point a thousand times before and even when you know exactly what comes next, you need to let the person finish speaking this time. The speaker won’t feel satisfied — and will harbor resentment — unless he or she is allowed to finish speaking.

Once interrupted, a person is very likely to counter-interrupt. But a more helpful strategy is to let the interrupter finish; then, return to what you were trying to say when you were cut off, ignoring everything he or she said after that.

Louder and Louder

The second error is called “yelling.” Conversations that contain yelling are normally called “fights.” Their toxic, destructive quality makes it exceedingly unlikely that the conversation will yield a positive outcome of any kind. Once one person raises his voice, the other person is very likely to do so as well — and raise it a few decibels higher! This makes the conversation get louder and more unpleasant by the minute.

A better strategy is to let the yeller yell uninterrupted and then answer in a perfectly calm, polite tone. Refuse to get louder no matter how virulent the other speaker becomes. It will be obvious only one party is emotionally unbalanced.

The Counterattack

The third error is called “diversion.” Often, a person who feels attacked will change the topic of the conversation so as to redirect the fire. A popular diversion strategy is a counterattack — making the new subject of the conversation a complaint about the complainer. The complainer will often fall into the trap and start discussing the countercomplaint.

Instead, the complainer should bring the counter-complainer back to the subject, steadfastly ignoring any and all new issues that are raised. Allow the diverter to finish speaking and then simply restart the conversation from the beginning.

Making Conversations Work

Correcting the errors in the above conversation yields the following three rules of communication:

• Remain silent until the other person has voluntarily finished speaking.
• Speak in a polite tone during the entire conversation, even when you object to what the speaker is saying. Speaking slowly also helps avert a fight by reducing the feeling of “emergency.” Use respectful words only.
• Address the point the speaker is making and resolve that completely before raising any other issues, no matter how seemingly relevant. Your own complaints can be made after the speaker’s complaints are dealt with (best done hours or days afterward).

There are plenty of rules for having good conversations, but these three will get you nicely started.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 611)