How we percieve others often says more about us than it does about them

“It really bothers me that my wife doesn’t get along with anybody. She doesn’t talk to her mother she fights with all of her siblings she keeps friends for a short time and then finds that they are all takers so she drops them. It affects all of us: our kids don’t see their cousins we can’t have long-term family friends and I have to listen to her complaining about everyone all the time.”

People Lovers

Some people have great relationships. Whether they have a small close circle of friends and family or an enormous social network their relationships are almost all positive. Is it because the people in their lives are all kind well-adjusted and sensitive? Not entirely. It’s true that people-lovers often choose healthy people to be their closest friends but these people tend to have good relationships with those they didn’t choose as well: family members neighbors and coworkers. Assuming that all humans are prone to character flaws and that they all step on the toes of others in myriad ways what allows people-lovers to get along with others so well?

People-lovers are generous of spirit. They can afford to be; they like themselves enough to assume that others like them too. When something goes wrong in a communication people-lovers (PL) assume that whatever error occurred was just an error — not a fatal flaw. They realize that they themselves are sometimes the one in error and they feel okay about that because they are secure with themselves. They also know that the other person could be in error and that’s okay too because making mistakes doesn’t detract from a person’s essential goodness. In other words they judge themselves and others positively.

For instance if a distant relative neglected to send an invitation to her daughter’s graduation to a PL the PL could generate any of a dozen positive explanations for the act such as

• the graduation is a small affair and guests are necessarily limited
• the relative didn’t want to obligate the person in terms of time and money
• the relative didn’t realize how close the PL feels to the graduating youngster

People Problems

People who have a lot of people problems approach relationships differently. It begins with the relationship they have with themselves. Always harboring a doubt about their own value any insult from an outsider only serves to validate their own worst fears. Indeed the vulnerable person (VP) is always vigilant in social interactions combing communications for any sign of negativity or neglect.

Since such signs are so easy to find (people are never able to give complete consistent love and attention to each other) they will inevitably “prove” that the other person is hurtful. For instance if someone gets distracted in the middle of listening to a VP talking the VP — feeling unworthy in the first place — is likely to assume that the listener was uninterested and rude. The VP is generally not completely wrong about her assessments (i.e. a person who allows her attention to wander as someone is speaking probably is somewhat uninterested).

Rather she is wrong about the meaning of her assessment. Just as a hypochondriac is not wrong in saying that her head is hurting but is wrong in her conclusion that the pain must indicate a brain tumor the VP is wrong in concluding that the poor listener is a selfish mean person who doesn’t mind hurting others (rather than a nice caring person is who slightly distracted at the moment). The incorrect conclusions of the VP cause her to withdraw from social interactions feeling misunderstood maltreated angry and alone.

Soothing Vulnerability

Although vulnerable people will tend to have plenty of hurt and conflict until they get proper therapy family members who must deal with them can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Recognize first of all that what seems to be a people-hater is really just an insecure person. Although you can’t give this person inner security you can recognize that the string of broken relationships strewn about her do not indicate a bad attitude on her part but rather a serious inner vulnerability.

Instead of berating the VP try to offer understanding love and encouragement. “I know you feel that Cousin Etti didn’t invite you because she doesn’t think you’re important enough but I’m sure there must be another reason. I know for a fact that she adores you. And who wouldn’t? You’re so kind and sweet.” Consistent messages of this kind are a healing balm to vulnerable people — a powerful gift that family members can offer. Although not curative they can help reduce conflict inside and outside the immediate family.